A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,This is killing me.To make a long story short, my best friend and I were close for a long time... like siblings, and we shared so many experiences, outings and moments together and I was always his ''best friend.'' He wants to get into a relationship now, and he says that our friendship is going to change and that we can't be close anymore. I feel like the girlfriend STOLE him from me! Before she popped up, I was always number one, now I am cmpletely shut out.I care about my friend so much and want him to be happy, but the pain and loneliness of being shut out in the cold are more than I can bear. All the memories of his closeness keep coming back to me. I have other friends, but no one else is as special to me, and it is killing me that she is getting joy from him, and he is being loving and romantic with her.I am desperate for our old friendship and worried that it's ruined. How can I get him to put me first? I KNOW that I can't always be number one, but I am ALWAYS pushed aside when a guy best friend gets a girlfriend, all that I want is to be number one, just ONCE. It's killing me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): I agree it sucks, you are feeling a very real and tangible loss. But this is how life is. Friendships, like any other relationship, go through periods of different levels of closeness and distance. Friendships made in school or at work may be very close then you drift apart when you change circumstances and move on to separate lives in different places. That doesn't mean you're no longer friends at all, just that there's more distance in the friendship now which could only be temporary. But then maybe at other times in the future you may reconnect again, like if one of you moves to the other's city.And even if there's more distance in the friendship at a particular moment it doesn't have to mean a decrease in the quality of the friendship. I have friends whom I don't hear from in months (and vice versa I may not contact them in months). Yet every few months one of us will initiate contact and then there will be a flurry of updates and it's as if picking up where we left off. Some times depending on our present situations we may continue to be "closer" for longer before eventually moving attention to other friends that in the meantime we were not in touch with. I think, for me at least, it depends not so much on how often you see each other or how often you talk, but on the level of engagement when you DO talk and in how well you connect with each other, and also in at least some effort to reconnect periodically. My college roommate and I were very close friends when we were in college, after that we naturally drifted apart when we moved to different places and established different careers and families but we always would catch up every few months by phone or email and visit each other every couple years. When my marriage fell apart she was the one who was there for me the most, more than other friends that I was in more regular daily contact with at the time. Your best friend right now is going through changes in his life because he now has a gf. So that's going to affect his capacity to spend time on his other friendships. Hopefully he won't COMPLETELY ditch you as if you no longer exist. I don't think real 'best friends' should do that (more on that later..). But similarly real friends should also sympathize when the other person has other stuff going on in their lives that doesn't involve you. I think you just need to give this some time so you can adjust to the new situation and find the new equilibrium in this friendship. One of my friends has always been very close to his brother, but when the brother got married a few years ago they naturally stopped hanging out as much cos the brother now had to spend a lot of time with his wife. Recently, though, the brother got divorced so now my friend and his bro are hanging out more together again. But even when the brother wasn't divorced yet, they still hung out together, his brother didn't completely ditch him just because he had a wife. In your case there could be an added layer of complexity because you're a woman so his new gf may feel threatened by you. I also have another really good guy friend, we have been friends since kindergarten so we're like siblings literally. I call his parents "uncle and auntie" and he calls my parents the same. We were always close, my husband also welcomed him as part of my family like my brother. Then he got married and had a kid and so I really backed off from his life since he had other priorities. But he has recently started to make time for me again. See, his wife has always tried to stop him spending time with ANY of his friends (not just me) because she wanted all his attention on their family and would call him an irresponsible father if he wanted to spend time with his friends, and for the longest time he 'obeyed' and stopped talking to me, which really saddened me. Lately though, he has changed his mind about her right to monopolize his time and to be his only relationship in the world. but when he tried to reconnect with his old friends, they have ditched him since he had gone cold on them for years because of her. I'm the only one who welcomed him back to the world of the living. so he's been lying to her to make time for me now (which I'm not too thrilled he has to do it that way, but in a way I'm touched?) And by 'making time for me' what I mean is having an occasional lunch with me to catch up, like, once every few months! He tells me that I was his friend since we were 5 years old so he's not going to cut me out just because his wife feels that her status of being "number one" means he should not have a life beyond the four walls of their house.I hope your best friend will at least maintain periodic contact with you. And I don't think it is wrong or bad of you to periodically initiate contact with him, you should do that. I hope his new gf won't feel threatened by you and make him cut you out of his life completely. (if she does, then she's not a good partner to him)You'll be OK. Focus now on cultivating your other friendships. Spread out your emotional needs among different friends, so that no single relationship carries all the weight of your emotional well being. Hugs X
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 December 2011):
 You are his best friend, NOT his girlfriend. There is a difference, and he is doing what people do when they have a girlfriend or wife. THEY come first. I know it hurts you, but you need to understand that your best friend is only doing what is normal and natural. You need to find a way to accept this. If you start showing your jealousy and resentful feelings you are very liable to lose your friend altogether! You would be wise to start looking for a guy of your own so that you too can share closeness with someone who can give you all of their attention/affection, not just part of it like your best friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): You can't be number once with him, your NOT his girlfriend, she is and he should put her first. Your jealousy is what you need to work on, and get over. His girlfriend didn;t steal him from you, he wasn;t your's to begin with and he isn't an object that you own he is a person.
Instead of concentrating so hard on feeling betrayed by the fact he has found someone he loves romantically, try to get some counseling and work on these issues of yours. How would you feel if you had a boyfriend who wouldn;t put you first because he had a female best friend who he put first because she couldn't handle her friend being happy?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 The way for you to be number one would be to get into a romantic relationship of your own.
The girlfriend hasn't STOLEN him from you, he is not an object, he is a human with the free will to give his love where he wants. Wanting him to put you first indicates to me that you may have some problems in accepting the free will of others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): For any successful loving, adult relationship to work and to maintain fidelity, monogamy, you are now considered the LET NO ONE PULL ASUNDER marriage or not. You are now the forsake all others so in saying this; the GF has the 'rights' to being First.
How it works.
Man and Woman date and commit to one another, they are now a WE and they put the other First. It upholds the love, trust, friendship, honour of the relationship. Just as it is in marriage.
That is how faithful, loving adults maintain their Unity and Sanctity of their Love and Relationship.
I know it hurts but you need to seek counselling to deal with your jealousy, insecurity and set your perspective back to healthy and functioning and steer clear of obsessive, compulsive, destructive.
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