A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've come here as I'm scared of what the answer will be if I ask my boyfriend or his friends and I know what my family and friends will say, but I want to help my boyfriend.I'm 24 and for the past two years I have been in a relationship with a great guy. I knew before we started going out he had used drugs a lot in the past. He was still smoking weed from time to time at the start of our relationship and he had promised to stop. He did manage this after 4 months and since then I've never seen him doing any drugs but I'm convinced he is by his behaviour and the all night stop outs, in which he then comes home smelling of weed and booze.He has a son with his former girlfriend and while she is very strict with his visitation due to his previous drug use, she is a lovely girl and I can always talk to her. She says his behaviour started like this before she walked out on him, they become parents when they were just 17.He works but as we don't live together, both still with our parents, we have no bills as such so I don't know what he spends his money on. All I know is that he is always skint and that he only pays minimum child support. He has mentioned booking a holiday together for the summer but I refused as I know I will end up having to pay it all. His mum has rang me a few times in the last month asking if I know where he is as he hasn't gone home. He stays with me over the weekend in my dad's house but never during the week as he has early starts and my younger siblings have school. He will end up texting me the following afternoon telling me he stopped at his mates who I know do drugs. He will let me go all day worrying about him to the point I have gone into his work to ask if he turned in.His car and his clothes smell of weed but he says his friends smoke it in the car which is why it is like that. He also says he only drinks with his mates or on a night out so I shouldn't worry about that.At first he was a well dressed, smart, hard working person who was fixing his life. He was playing an active role in his child's life and he was saving to buy his own house.He told me that he messed with LSD and cocaine after his sister died when he was 18 and she was 23.(They were in a car crash, and she died instantly. Their old brother was driving but they both survived with injuries. His brothers girlfriend was also in the car.) Instead of taking the offer of help, he just turned to drugs he said. He is really honest about it all, but he has started to hide things from me and his family. I want to ask him straight out but if he is using again, I don't know what I will do or say. He drinks a lot over the weekend so I have tried to plan things where he can't drink, but I can't do this every weekend. I want to help him and I know his family will too but I'm scared I'll push him away and further into the mess.The friends who do drugs haven't always been his friends, and the friends he had at the time of his sisters death don't see him hardly as he is always with the drug takers. I know in my heart of hearts he is doing them again but I want to help him. I just don't know how?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): Hi
I believe you've asked this before. I seem to remember that the advice given was 'you can't help him'. Sorry to say it's still the same advice. You are still fairly young and I don't mean this in a patronising way at all, but maybe you have yet to realise that you cannot change others. They will only change if they want to. You can run around in circles trying to take him away from alcohol etc but he will always find his way back if that's what he wants to do. You need to realise that you are helpless in this situation and to stop banging your head against a brick wall, trying to impose your will on him, even if you quite rightly think that this will be better for him. He has a life that is his and a free will that is also his. You actually don't have any right to keep trying to impose your wishes upon him.
In time, maybe he will want to stop when he realises it is ruining his life, but this is his realisation to make, in his own time. I think you should get hold of some Alcoholics Anonymous literature or look it up on the web. I realise he is not an alcoholic from what you say, but it holds good for all addicts of whatever substance and the people around them whom it affects. The premise is (and I won't presume that you know this otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question) that you are wasting your time and emotional energy trying to change addicts. The quote that is said either at the end or the beginning of every AA meeting is I believe 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference'. I believe this applies to you. In your life you will probably come across others who you wish would behave in a different way as well. But you have no right to get people to behave the way in which you believe is correct. This is controlling. I understand you want to help him, but learn this life lesson, YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO.
Imagine a situation where you are happy leading your life in the way you want and someone comes along and says 'Oh I think she would be much better to do things the way I think is best' and then proceed to try and change you and your life, but you are perfectly happy the way you are. They tell you 'But this way would be better for you' but you don't want to do things that way or you're not ready to look at things that way for whichever reason. You and everyone else in this world has the right to live their life the way they want to even if it's a way that will bring negative effects.
He is still young. He will probably grow out of taking drugs. Most people do. I did soft drugs for years. My family tried to stop me and I pretended I had for their peace of mind, but carried on anyway until I decided to stop some fifteen years later. He will do whatever he wants. You cannot change that.
Suggest counselling as his use seems to be emotional, but apart from that, he's on his own. He WILL find his own way. That's what we're here to do, to take our own paths and learn from our own mistakes. You can't do it for him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015): I think that you are very misguided to want to change the behaviour of this young man as it is a deadend course of action.
Only he can choose what he does or doesnt do.
You are trying to make a traumatised person into a non traumatised person.
You do not have the capacity to change this person into someone else and i think you should consider changing your partner rather than getting him to change his friends and habits.
You are still living home with your dad and it is naive of you to think you can change anything other than your own life.
Sweet and charming wont change it.
Kindheartedness wont change it.
Ranting and raving wont change it and nothing you say or do will change it.
You must go cold turkey from him and then you will quit your addiction to himand your need to change him.
You need to date a man who doesnt lie about his habits so that you have the experience of being someone who is treated honestly.
Then your younger brothers and sister will respect you.
His parents will respect you for knowing when to quit and your dad will respect you.
Even your ex will respect you for knowing that he doesnt have to lie to you anymore.
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