A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:For the last 2 years I have had this crush on this girl from my job and she has had a crush on me as well. Recently she ended her relationship with her long time boyfriend due to some ongoing problems. I really want to date her but I am being told that it is a bad idea because she works at the same organization as I do. However, she only works there once a week and only for about 1 or 2 hours and when I am not even working. I beleive that if we really like eachother and we are professional then this shouldn't be a concern. Do you think that this is a bad idea?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): Yeah dude, I have to agree with what everyone else is saying. This is major weird for your mate to be so controlling and frankly jealous!I have been in a somewhat similar situation recently - my best friend never had a girlfriend ever until he was 26 - confidence problems mainly - he looks fine! So he is you, and I am the friend who has had a lot more experience with women. However - he just started dating a girl, and is even gonna move in with her! I have my reservations, have voiced them (so has he!) but I trust him to make his own mistakes. And I wish him luck that it does work out! Never would I resent him for dating anyone and make him feel bad! But then it sounds like I have had more life experience than this other dude. You are male friends - you should be able to smack each other in the face and still be friends after! Male mates take each other's feelings into account for sure, but you guys sound, almost like a couple! No offense of course.I reckon your mate is jealous that you'd be "taken away from him" so is trying to derail your chances. That is frankly pathetic - and you should tell him where to go (nicely). He can like it or lump it - it's up to you to make the choice and see how things go. You should say what Tisha says first... if he still is being a bitch after that tell him to go insert expletive here and leave you alone. If you are truly great friends he will not be angry, indeed he will respect you for standing up for what you want.If he doesn't - then maybe it's time to distance yourself from him. You outgrow even the oldest friends eventually... So keep dating this girl if you want! Don't let him interfere or HIS weirdness may drive her away, and you don't want that!RLondon UK
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 December 2009):
 No, it's not wrong to want to keep some privacy from your best friend. He's not your spouse or a parent, you don't owe him every detail of your life. I'm sorry if his feelings are hurt, but he should be thinking of YOUR feelings, which are growing towards her and he should be thinking of YOUR happiness, which might be enhanced by entering into a dating relationship with a wonderful girl.
He should trust your judgement enough that you would pick well and not fall in love with a bitchy woman. Is he in a different socio-economic class than she is? I'm wondering if that's why he might think she was a snob. He might be feeling defensive and judged by her somehow, and his ego isn't strong enough to handle it. That, by the way, is HIS problem, not yours. And don't let him make it yours.
Look, I'm not advocating that you suddenly get hostile toward your friend, what I think you need to do is just kind of shut down any discussion about her with him. Don't let him try to guide you or advise you, or if he does, just say mildly, "thanks for your input, I'll take it on board," then go and do whatever it is you were going to do in the first place.
I'm concerned for you that this seems to be a source of conflict between you and him, in that his boundaries of what constitutes friendship and appropriate interactions seem to push toward controlling your life. It's frankly weird, okay? He should be ecstatic that you've found a woman you want to date. If he has reservations about her, he should keep them to himself. You might need to actually say those words to him. "If you have any reservations about Cindy, I'd appreciate it if you kept them to yourself. I trust my own judgement with her and I rather hoped you'd be happy for me." You say this all with a very benign expression and a neutral tone of a voice. You're not challenging him here, at least not yet.
What does this man do for a living?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am stuck between these two sides of people telling me to go for it and others telling me its a bad idea. In the mean time I am hurting the girl that I have began to deeply care about by not talking with her as much and I have hurt my best friend by telling him that I had already been seeing her before I told him about her. Is it wrong for me as a best friend to not tell my best friend that I am talking a lot with a girl I like and hanging around with her a bit in a secretive way? Is that lying? I'm not in a sexual or loving relationship with my friend by the way. I just have been through a lot of hard time and good times with this friend. Is it wrong of me to not take the advice from a best friend? I have been in a rollercoaster ride of emotion. I hate conflict and I hate hurting the people I care about. I know it is ultimatly my decision but I am so lost.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 December 2009):
No, you shouldn't have to make that decision. Tell him you appreciate his input but that you have done your apprenticeship long enough and are ready for the dating world.
What does this guy do that he's so controlling? I'm curious. And would he be considered a handsome guy? Sorry for being nosy but I'm trying to understand his motivation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell this guy has been my friend for over 10 years and during that time I have not had one girlfriend. He has had a few girlfriends. He thinks that I am going to fast into this dating relationship. He is giving me advice and I am listening but I truly like this girl and don't want to see her go. If it came down to it I wouldn't know who to choose. I don't want to make that decision. I shouldn't have to make that decision.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 December 2009):
Why is this guy so invested in your love life? That seems awfully smothering to me. It's your decision, right? So why is he giving you a hard time? Have you picked badly in the past, and this guy is watching out for you?
Just being 'stuck up' doesn't seem to be enough of a reason to get upset. He's not giving her a chance, and he's trying to control your behavior. Very strange.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually went on a date with her here recently. It made him upset, when i asked her out. He is willing to give her a chance but I wonder if he has already made up his mind and is just humouring me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 December 2009):
Is your friend willing to be wrong? I mean, would he be able to give her a chance? Or has he thrown up his walls and will not budge?
At any rate, this is all moot if she doesn't go out on a date with you.
I don't know how much interaction she and he have had, but it's easy to label someone 'stuck up' when in fact they are shy or reserved. That can change as they get to know each other. I would say you should ask her out, you're not dating your friend, after all. He isn't so stubborn and pigheaded that he would cause a problem, is he?
She still has to say 'yes' to a date before this even becomes an issue, right? So go for it.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe thought that she was stuck up.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2009):
What didn't he like about her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am glad you approve! It gets a little more complicated though. The one that does not approve of me dating this co-worker is my best friend. He has met her briefly before and did not like the first impression he got from her. Now that I am wanting to date her things have been complicated with my friend and I. It has also made things complicated with my crush and I. My friend is willing to meet her but I am worried as to whether they will like eachother. I don't want to loose my best friend and I also don't want to loose the chance of any posibilities with my crush. What do you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I think it would be fine to date her as long as your company does not have a policy against co-workers dating.
The only thing is if she just ended a long term relationship, now is not the time to be starting a romance with her. You don't want to be the rebound guy. She needs time to heal and get over her lost relationship even if she was the one to end it. You might just want to start with friends and lend an ear and take things very slowly or you may find yourself caught up in her emotional fallout.
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A
male
reader, mnman3487 +, writes (6 December 2009):
 Not at all. As long as you can keep your professional lives and personal lives separate, I don't believe there would be any problem whatsoever.
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