A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm needing advice about me in my relationship. To make a long story short.I have been with my fiancé for almost 4 years. We've had our share of trouble, but there is one that happen a two years ago that still haunt me.My fiancé cheated. It was one time and I honestly have forgiven him. As hard as it was. I wanted to push past that. I firmly believe that when one person cheats it's because something is wrong in the relationship itself.Well, after our build up from there we have run into some issues. For some reason (at least this is how I see it) my fiancé can't get over what has happen. It's like he has trust issues with me when he committed the crime. For example, I have/had this really great male friend from the past. I stopped speaking with him cause of an ex I had before my fiancé. Well I got in contact with my friend again. and we, my fiancé is pretty tickes about it. He finds anything I say offensive in some form. (threw fb between me and friend) to be honest, I don't see where it's mean. I watch what I say and respect the boundaries between male friends. I hide nothing from him.Now, I know my fiancé loves me. There are many things he does for our daughter and myself. That I never doubted he didn't. I also have faith that he won't cheat on me. I mean.... This is hard, I never have put up w/someone who has cheated on me before... But then again I never loves the person as I do my fiancé.Another example is a male coworker. His employ. Who has a gf which I am really good friends with. We will call the employ Jay. If Jay looks at me or I him for to long. My fiancé gets a lil agitated. Now, i can't help what people say or do. and Jay said something about how I was talking with his girlfriend about 3somes and I guess automatically makes me want to be a swinger.Now, please... His girlfriend and I talk about sex. She asked my opinion on the subject 3somes. I told her what I thought. Of course she shared what we talked about to her boyfriend. So when my fiancé gets a whiff he asks me "very rudely mind you" what have I been talking about with Jays girlfriend.Personally, when I'm being accused of something I can fart it off. Cause I know the truth and boo whoo if you don't. But when it comes to my fiancé doing this.... I break down and start crying. I feel sick and disturbed. I didn't have sex w/someone else he did and yet I am the one who must be watched..... What is this? I'm so lost, I feel like an emotional wreak.He cheated a year ago and I moved on. But yes I still feel the pain. Everyday I do. and yes to be honest with myself and y'all. I have thought about what if I just go off and do it to him. Butt in NO WAY will I ever. EVER. Do that. Just... No. Also, my fiancé has this problem of "talking" down to me. Not very often but when he does it gets under my skin. He deals with much stress for a young man his age. He just takes it out on me. Is there anything I can do to point out this hurts me?Please give me some advice. Also, I have read much on here. My fiancé does have some anger problems, but he is nothing of a monster from what I have read. We are just as far as normal as we can be couple. I want this to work. We are to wed next fall. I can't if I am dealing with this every other week. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): Hello, I am the originally post person. I'm sorry about my confusion on the whole year thing. It was ONCE two years ago. (I use my phone to type & sometimes skip words I'm sorry).
I should explain, that he did not lie to me about it. To be very honest there was no way when you walk in on them. (We were at a "friends" place.) Now a few months before then a guy kissed me. I really was shocked & just didn't do anything. I dropped contact w/that guy & told my fiancé immediately. It was harsh of me to even be in that position.
I have taken yalls advice. We are to start counseling next week. I'm hoping this will be solved. Whether or not it's staying together & moving on w/our future or taking different roads.
I'm a big girl & can handle what I musy have to do if it comes down to it. Thank you all for your advice & opinions.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2013):
 Lets’ start with he is who he is. You are not in love with HIM you are in love with what you WANT him to be.
It’s very hard for folks who are “in love” to accept and understand that they are not in love with who the person currently is. You are in love with the past or the future. Neither of which you can control.
A person does not always cheat because something is wrong in the relationship. You are saying that to take the blame off of him, which is where it belongs. HE cheated. That was HIS choice. This shows he’s able to lie and cheat. I am not saying he will cheat again. Or lie again. Only that he has the ability to do so. And there may have been NOTHING wrong with your relationship when he did the lying and cheating. But you need to NOT put him at total fault (which he is) so you come up with this cock and bull story about “something must have been wrong in the RELATIONSHIP” so that you can OWN the bad behavior for him. That’s how you are able to forgive him.
HE has trust issues with YOU because he KNOWS that he can bald face look YOU in the EYE and LIE to you. He figures YOU can do the same to him.
You know he loves you because of the things he does for you and your daughter. Well buying you things does not mean love. Accusing you of cheating is not being loving towards you.
You fiancé getting agitated when another man looks at you is a huge red flag… and you seem to know this. You being punished for what others say and do? This is loving? This is acceptable to you?
If he’s RUDE to you how is that loving?
You’ve been with him for four years. You first say he cheated two years ago. Then you say he cheated a year ago. So has he cheated ONCE two years ago, or a year ago or has he cheated TWICE? Because there is a huge difference between cheating once and cheating more than once.
Then at the end you say he has this “problem of talking down to me” well see that’s NOT a problem… it’s the fact that he DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. You make excuses for him saying “he deals with much stress for a young man” Well that’s an excuse. And as he ages he will have more stress and therefore more excuses for his bad behavior towards you.
You say “I can’t deal with this ever other week”. I can promise you, if you stay with him, you will deal with this more and more…
If you want to stay, I would say counseling is in order. Not only for you alone but as a couple.
Counseling for couples is not saying one is wrong or right… it’s MOSTLY about figuring out how to communicate with each other. If he won’t go to counseling, then what’s the point in staying?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): He is projecting onto you, trying to make you feel guilty, so that he can relieve himself of feeling guilty.He cheated on you.These two things are sure-fire signs of immaturity/inability to deal maturely with emotions and with responsibilities that come with adulthood.He will continue to do other things that show he has not matured yet, and this will include projecting his wrongdoings and his guilt onto you, to make you feel responsible for sorting out whatever issues he creates. But the point is that the issues should not arise in the first place and, if they do, he should be doing everything to take responsibility for them. He may well love you in his way, but many people who 'love' intertwine loving behaviour with very destructive behaviour. Right now he is destroying your self-esteem and this is why you break when he accuses you. He will keep trying to break you and you will keep returning to him because he will mix this with 'loving' you. The more he hurts you, the more you will become dependent on the sweetness of his love to take away the pain he causes you. The cycle will go on and on.I suggest you don't marry him.He's making you feel responsible for sorting out HIS mess that he made. Please don't let him.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 Id say your fiance has some issues that he hasnt worked through, him accusing you when you have done nothing to warrant this suggests deep seated guilt issues which he hasnt worked though, if he has anger issues then maybe he has been cheated on, maybe he has deep seated commitment issues etc.
The point is here you seem to be taking on all these issues and have dealt with your side in the sense you have forgiven him etc but he hasnt dealt with his, it doesnt sound like he even ackowledges he has any which is a bad starting point because the first step in dealing with an issue is recognising it exists. I think the only solution is to talk to him about this because whether he realises it or not he is projecting his issues onto you and sincere although I believe you are, it is also only a matter of time before something happens and you snap or the relationship does.
So, I think its time for you to sit down and have a long and in depth talk with your fiancee to see if you can start working through this and if he is willing to do something about his side of the relationship because I dont think you can carry on like this and you know it, hence why you have asked the question in the first place. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): Man…constantly being accused by someone when you have no ill intentions and try to be open about everything would get old really fast.
I agree that this needs to be straightened out before you wed, because it could drive you crazy to be walking on eggshells your whole life, not knowing how he'll react when you talk to another guy.
I think the two of you could benefit from couples counseling…his controlling behavior stems from his insecurities, which are a result of his low self-esteem and confidence.
Good luck :)
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