A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi allI need some advice.I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years come next autumn. At first she lived in the same country as me but after that had to go back home. We've been able to spend a few months each year together and she will come to stay with me for 3 months this summer. I stayed with her for 3 months last summer and also 1 month over christmas.The problem is, we have no solution to the issue of living together yet. I have to finish studying (3-4 more years) if i want to go and work there and she cannot find jobs here easily due to it being hard to get a visa. If we have to wait, i can wait. The problem is she is very changeable. one day she wants me to marry her this summer and the next she seems to think it wont work and we should just end it.I love her, she is wonderful and when i am with her i genuinely can't imagine being with someone else, but when we're apart, which is most of the time, its so difficult. I feel stressed.We don't really argue, its just the relationship is boring. its the same conversation every day, how are you, how was your day, what will you do tomorrow etc. She gets quite down sometimes and says she isn't sure if this will work out, her family always try to talk her out of it, and on those days i feel like she could dump me. However most days she isn't like that.As a result, i feel afraid to do anything with my free time that doesn't involve video calling her. Which is making me feel unhappy.She also keeps asking me to get engaged, or married and asking when we can have a baby. I think we're totally not ready for that as i think we should solve the distance first before any of that. At present i am concerned after she goes back again she could dump me on one of her bad days. I don't want to take the relationship to a higher step until i no longer feel that worry.I guess you can say I love her, but i don't love the relationship. I feel like i want to be with her, but just not rush things like getting married, but i also feel that if she dumped me although i would feel sad, maybe it would be for the best.She will spend 3 months with me this summer so i hope that will help clafify things, but it will probably just go back to how it was before when she goes back and i don't want to feel pressured into getting engaged or married too soon. I talked to her about it and i think she understood my feelings but its hard to disappoint her.What should i do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): Original poster here. I think i should clarify something based on the 2nd answer asking why i don't just move to her country.I need to finish my university, it would be a shame to drop out of the phd before I graduate and having it means its much easier for me to meet her countries immigration requirements.I enrolled on the PhD here as she planned to come here, we agreed it together. Then she changed her mind and wanted to start a business there. Now she isn't sure what she wants to do.If i leave the PhD i have to pay back all of the scholarship they have given me so far. I cannot do that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): Before she convinces you to start a family, before you even know if you want to marry her; remember the difficulty she is having getting a visa and employment. That places most of the responsibility to relocate on you.
That means you will have to immigrate to her country. Are you truly and definitely ready for that?
If you don't want to wind-up a long-distance father with a displaced-child; you had better use condoms. Each and every-time you have sex! She's getting impatient with you. I'd say rightfully so!
When some women can't make up their mind, or get anxious about marriage; they just might decide to use you as a sperm donor. She may not wish to share custody of the child. She could just decide to get a baby, and find another man.
Bear in mind. It would be her country that sets all the rules about child-custody. You said yourself; she goes back and forth about what to do. Her family is also influencing her feelings about you, and your long-distance relationship.
All your concerns are legitimate; but there is so much risk and opportunity for the unforeseen.
Marriage is not a commitment you make with hesitation or trepidation. If you rush into it with the slightest doubt, and something goes wrong; there will be bitterness, blame, and resentment for being pressured to do something you weren't ready to do. Immigration will give you all sorts of hoops to jump through and red-tape to establish citizenship for either of you. You'll have to find work in her country; if it doesn't workout for her in yours!
She's right about the fact you should be prepared by now to move together.
She has held-out for you nearly two long years. Males aren't usually that anxious about giving of our freedom; and we aren't watching a biological-clock. She also wants to know if she is biding her time wisely; or just wasting it, while you go back and forth in a state of indecision. All the while using the excuse that it's your goals and plans getting in the way. Well, she has plans and goals too!
Where do you compromise?
When will she be your top priority? Why can't you make the necessary arrangements through immigration to move to her country? Exactly how long do you expect her to wait?
I don't think your heart is as much in it as you claim. You simply want to hold-on to her. It just seems more convenient for you, than it is for her. Of course she's vacillating on what to do; because it's all so uncertain. You're not the only one stressed-out by this LDR!
Well, real love will solve the indecision; and you'll do what you have to do to be together. In simple-terms; you have to poop or get off the pot! She may as well find someone from her own country, without so many obstacles in the way of love. Sometimes love requires us to set them free!
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