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female
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anonymous
writes:Hey everyone! A very happy new year to you all!I wanted your opinion on this dilemma i'm faced with. I'm 25 and my boyf is 3 yrs n 10 months younger than me. We're very much in love and have been for the last yr n a half. I come from a family where they expect me to get married soon..I'll be done with my undergraduate degree in 2008 when I'm 26 n then my parents will expect me to tie the knot once I'm working and everything. The problem is that my bf is still in university and will be for another 3 yrs at least, and he says that he won't marry until he's independent of his parents i.e. not financially dependent on them anymore, and I do totally agree with that. However, his parents would not want him getting married to someone older than him (his brother married a girl a few *days* older than him and they did not approve of it, they're still have an orthodox or old-fashioned mindset), so he's not sure how things would work out. While we are still together because we'll "see what happens", I sometimes think that when we do break up it will be easier for him to move on because he will still be very young n he'll have time (and he does admit this) and it won't be as easy for me esp since i won't have a lot of time. And already I do think about marriage and babies, I do want it all and I don't want it too late. Also, he has said that ideally he'd want me to be younger than i will be when we get married. But he does want to marry me at some point in the future if he can.We have been living together for the past yr but our families don't know about it; we're also thinking of moving out when this lease expires in august because we're getting too dependent on each other, and it's not totally right for us to be living together.His parents do know about me, but since he's just 21 they prob think tht it's just a passing affair and nothing serious. I speak to his mom when I call him during the holidays and she's very nice n sweet to me (even referred to me as his "better half" once when giving him a msg from me).Sometimes i think about breaking it off so i can open up my mind and find someone whom i know i can have a future with for sure, but I love him too darn much. I don't know what to do. Anyone have any advice for me? Thanks a ton, all of you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, I think you are right...these expectations have become somewhat mine too. But it has trickled down from my parents, well, my dad actually, a year ago he'd even started looking for boys like it is in an arranged marriage, I had to put my foot down n make him stop doing tht n told him if he tried to force me or even talk about marriage i'm not coming home anymore, tht's when he stopped. But even my mom, as "radical" as she believes herself to be expects it of me once I'm done with univ. I know I can hold off, but I'm not so sure if I do hold off til he's on his own n everything will his parents ever agree?
My bf's father is very ill, and he's not sure when it comes to the crunch if he'll be able to put up a strong enough fight. He says he will do his best to work it out, but he's unsure of whether they'll agree. We both come from a culture where you are supposed to make your decisions in accordance with the agreement of ur parents. If it displeases them or makes them unhappy, u don't do it. I know i can still convince my parents, but he doesn't know about his.
A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 Your bf is sending you subtle messages, that he is not planning on committing to you anytime soon, and that it's going to be some time (if ever) before he is ready to. You want a committment that will fit in to your scheduled life plan. Somehow the two of you aren't meshing both plans and compromising.
First, stop rushing your life. You have plenty of time to be married and have children. I'n not so sure it is your parents expectations that you get married shortly after graduation, but your own. Parents don't push thier children in to marriage because they are already aware that you can't force a relationship, and it must be right to make it work.
Your bf is telling you that his parents would certianly disapprove of him marrying someone older than himself (even if it is a few days). Parents don't determine who thier children marry and set up rules for them to follow... at least not in a free world.
The problem is not the "parents rules" here, it's you both using your parents "rules" as a cover for your own expectations.... both you and your bf have different expectations of what your future will be. They do not match and cannot be matched through coersion, threats of parental disapproval, or plain nagging. They can only be meshed with compromise and a single shared goal.
Unless the two of you can develop a shared goal for your future, I would suggest you move on and find a relationship that can do this.
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reader, Jovial  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 Happy new year to you
I think your situation is not complicated at all, face your fears and enjoy your life as you live it or live your life as your parents dictate. You are 24 he is 21 nothing wrong with that, you want marriage he wants marriage what’s wrong with that? i will tell you what is wrong; you are being selfish you know he is young and he is left with few more years to complete school, but because you have imagined yourself married before that you are finding it hard to wait. You need to accept that he is young and the possibility of you not getting what you want on your own terms is very high, let him finish school then get married if u want this to work learn to compromise or hit the road as simple as that. do you know the quote “true love waits” ? I know it is referred to sex after marriage but it I think it also fits nicely in your situation.
But if u really feel he is not worth waiting and fighting for then why wait? maybe the fact that you have all this doubts its because he is not your future husband; because your parents’ and his parents’ opinions were not going to matter at all and u were gonna consider his hopes and dreams in your decision. Anyway I can say all I can but at the end of the day its your happiness at stake here.
Make sure u don’t fall into a trap of marrying the wrong person to satisfy your parents and live with the scars for the rest of your life. Good luck
jovial
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Your talking as though your 40! Your only 25, more and more women are pursuing careers first and concentrating on marriage and babies later. Things were different when your parents were young, women didnt aspire to be high-fliers, but housewives. The guy is younger so probably isnt going to be in a hurry to settle down and do these things just yet. If you are doubting your relationship perhaps you should call it a day and find someone else.x
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