A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been with my girlfriend for over 5 years now and we have had mostly a very good and happy relationship but there has been one thing that has been missing and that is us living together, I asked her after 2 years if she would move in with me and she said she wasnt ready.I love her so I told her not to worry as I love her and will wait for her when she is ready, I moved closer to her parent's home as I thought it would give us an oppurtunity to spend more time together and have been living close to her for more than 2 years now but she has still not moved in.Since I moved closer to her home she has never spent the night with me (she used to before as we lived away from each other), I love her and she tells me she loves me and she wants to be with me as she sees a future with me but what I want is some sort of commitment and I don't know what she can do to commit to me as I just want some reassurance that is not words but actions to make me feel like we have a future but don't know what to ask for apart from moving in?
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female
reader, scythe  +, writes (17 October 2008):
 Well done mate, that takes strength. I hope you find the answers you need.
Take care and keep us updated
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter a lot of soul searching we have decided to separate for a while as I need space, I know it may be a mistake but after 5 years I have decided that life is something that i want to share and as much as I love my gf there must be other reasons why we are not together apart from family.After talking and asking more questions I realised that her mother has only been working away from home since May this year, so its only been a couple of Months but it has been at 3 years before then i asked her to move in with me and there must have been other reason before and now mum is working away that is a convenient answer until mum works closer then i wonder what will happen?????...I have told her to be patient with me until I am confident in my belief that we will be together as i cannot see it unfortunately but I hope I am wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have helped her family out a few times, taken her brother and sisters to park, taking them mcdonalds for a treat, i have dropped them off school as well sometimes when my gf has to go ot work early, but she told me the last time i took them to school that i dont need to do that as they are not my responsibility. i told her i did it for her.
after talking she ahs told me that her youngest sister next summer will be old enough to look after herself as she is going to go high school so that will make things easier for her and their is a good chance that she will move in with me then but after so many letdowns i dont wanna get my hopes up too much just yet.
I asked her to write down where she sees us in two years time and she has told me she will write it down and get back to me soon....
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (12 October 2008):
I'm happy for you that she finally told you a decent reason for her actions. However, you are still stuck waiting for her...
It might be easier to wait now that you know the reason. Give it a go. And maybe ask her for a compromise about the 'staying-the-night' issue. One night a week (perhaps not a school night?) should be reasonable for her to stay overnight.
Good luck in deciding how to proceed!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question....UPDATE.....
I spoke with my GF that evening and we have spoken in length over the last few days and maybe now i realise more than i ever did before but hse has told me the reasons and has left me with the decision whether our relationship carries on or not.
she told me that as her mother works away from home in a different city during the week she feels responsible for her younger brothers and sisters as she is the eldest and she encouraged her mother to go out and find a job that she was qualified for rather than working a low paid job closer to home where she would have to work double the hours for less money and would not enjoy it.
she has told me that once her mother gets a job closer to home then she will move out with me straight away, It has given me a lot of erassurance that i was looking for but she has still not moved in with me and she knows I am not 100% happy with that.
I have asked her whether she would consider living with me and then every morning we would go to her mothers house and take all the kids to school, help make lunches etc, then pick them up and make dinner for them during the evening and then she would come home with me, she has said she doesnt think that would be practical and has told me that if i am not happy with the situation then that is my decision and i would need to move on.
so the ball is still left in my court but as i love her so much i am going to see how things turn out with her Mum and then see if she can find a good job closer to home soon..
I guess at the moment there is more waiting in store for me if I want to be with her( and i do more than anything else in the world)
S
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, tongiht when she comes back from work i will go to her parents house and we will talk, i have done the 5year plan before and we will wait and see how it goes, last time we did it we did it for 10 years and we both saw us together settled with at least 1 child if not 2, it was good as we agreed on a lot of stuff unfortunately that didnt materialise so tonight i am going to ask her for a 2 year plan and see where that takes us....thank you everyone for your advice i just wanted to make sure that i wasnt being unreasonable and that i am normal in wanting to live together and be a proper couple as sometimes i dont feel like that...
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female
reader, josien  +, writes (10 October 2008):
5 years of in a relationship................moving in might not be the thing she expects you to talk about at that time i think thats why even when you moved closer to her parents house she couldn't spend a night. i think she love you but there might be some thing more than moving that she is expecting from you. .............. are you engaged????????????may be thats the kind of commitment she will feel connected to you more other than moving in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni say i want to be with her and to become a family, she says she is not ready....this is our biggest point we cannot agree on...she says when she is ready she will let me know but she has been saying that for a long time, i told her that sometimes i feel like she is with me until she finds someone better but she says that isnt true....i find it hard to know what to do am i am confused as it does feel like there are mixed messages from her
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies so far, to answer a few of your questions.
Has she lived with anyone else before, or would it be the first time she moved out of her parents house? she has never lived with anyone before so it would be the first time she moves out of her parents house. I think I have been patient and their is a good chance i will still be waiting but I cant wait forever.
Personally, I'd be insulted if I'd dated a guy this amount of time and the best he could come up with was moving in together. I'd probably wonder where that ring was! If she's not even to that point yet, I'd wonder what issues she had with me or relationships in general and I'd want to find out. ..... I have proposed to her on her Birthday 3 years ago and gave her a beautiful ring(she said yes but the more I think about it the more i think it might be becuase she didnt want to hurt my feelings), as far as i am aware she has had no seriuos relationship before but the only other thing I could attribute would be that her parents do not get on and always tell her negative things about relationships and tell her not to tie herself down..
I'm with AskOldersister on this one... perhaps SHE wants some form of commitment too? Perhaps talk to her about what each of you consider commitment to be (ie: you = living together) and she might surprise you with her answer. Talk about it!...everytime we talk about it we disagree and then get angry and it is not good for our relationship that is why i am looking to see if there is anything else that i can do because i am tired of arguing and disagreeing as it is not helping apart from causing us both stress...
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (10 October 2008):
I'm with AskOldersister on this one... perhaps SHE wants some form of commitment too? Perhaps talk to her about what each of you consider commitment to be (ie: you = living together) and she might surprise you with her answer. Talk about it!
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female
reader, Faybelline +, writes (10 October 2008):
 You need to speak to her about why she doesn't want to move in. To me, 5 years is a long time to be with someone and not be ready to take it further in any way.
Has she lived with anyone else before, or would it be the first time she moved out of her parents house? She might just be scared about taking that leap; it will be something new and something that will test your relationship a lot.
Just try to discuss with her why you would like it if you lived together and then let her tell you how she feels about moving in and why she doesn't seem so keen. Maybe you could ask her if she wants to move in for a 'trial period' and see how that goes; that way she isn't fully committing to it.
If she says that she loves you and sees a future between the two of you then that's good but she needs to be prepared to let the relationship progress but you might just need to be patient with her.
Good Luck :)
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