A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I want to ask you about a very sensitive topic for me. I've been with my boyfriend for many years now and we've never really had a sexlife. For the first two years we were together, we constantly tried to have sex, but it was always too painful and uncomfortable for me and we had to stop. I was a virgin and knew the first couple of times would be painful, but this was crazy! I couldn't feel ANY pleasure from it. The whole saga would end with me crying, feeling like a failure, while my boyfriend held and comforted me, telling me it's not my fault. I had been to see my GP, who put this down to anxiety (nevermind the fact smears had always been unbareably painful for me).. and my gyno just TALKED with me about it.. also assuming it was anxiety and never gave me a physical exam. Because I am an anxious person anyway, and my boyfriend and I were stuck for privacy at the time, I just put it down to that too. We would go on holidays and try in the hotel room, but nothing worked. It became an uncomfortable, awkward part to our relationship and in the end, the intimacy faded out altogether. We'd go to sleep together cuddling instead. Life was easier for us without the sex. I know this may be hard to understand, but when two people truely love each other and want to be together all the time.. the guy doesn't want to see his partner in pain and the girl doesn't want to feel like a failure.. it's surprisingly easy to continue on and be happy without the sex. I've been to see a psychologist about it over the years and she said that even men are able to disconnect their thoughts and feelings regarding sex if they feel their partner will be hurt from it.Anyway, one day I decided to go to my gyno for a smear and told him about how painful smears were for me. I thought this was just normal, afterall, if I'm anxious about sex.. of course I'd tense up during a smear. He examined me and told me I had a thick band of skin in my vagina and needed a minor op. Well, of course I booked and had the op ASAP and I'm now all fixed. I wish more than anything this could have been picked up YEARS ago. Now I'm doing the best I can to rekindle the romance in my relationship. The years without sex have affected both of us much more than we realised. Now, I just want to get busy getting busy, but my body isn't cooperating. I still feel like a failure as a woman and my boyfriend still feels like he's "raping" me when we try and I end up in tears.When we try and have sex, oh and believe me those feelings are STILL there.. it's amazingly intense between us.. like from a love movie! But no matter what, it just ends badly again. I dry up and literally feel my thighs turn into steel rods. I tell him I want to try more than anything, but my body senses the threat of pain and I just seize up. He can't even get inside! It's no different or less painful than it once was, but this time it's pyschological.I wonder if any of you have had the same or similar issues? I really want to salvage the romance in our relationship and I think it's pretty damn special that we've been together and in love for many years now regardless of the fact we haven't been able to have sex. We've remained loyal and faithful to each other all this time.Please help. Any ideas on positions, ways to relax, foreplay.. just ANYTHING would be helpful. Thank you.
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female
reader, jrunlucky  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 like the person who said before me, warm yourself up to it. maybe use a blindfold so you dont know when he'll enter you. or try sex toys. start with smaller ones and work your way up so you can do it with him. from what you tell me, "thick layer of skin" should i assume that to be your hymen? if so -ouch- i applaud you for even wanting to try it again.
i suggest during sex or before, think of your favorite things or places that make you feel peaceful and calm. put on ocean music you hear at the spas. make him give you a massage! the point is to be relaxed. deep breaths and calm feelings. i hope it works out.
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