A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit long, but I need help..My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years; I am 25 and he is 24. We went through long-distance for eight months and then he moved away from friends, family, a job he loved, and his home town to be with me in a state across the country. During that time, things were great, and we had zero trust issues. Just over a year ago we moved in together, and things have gone well for the most part.During the winter months of last year, things were a bit sour with us in regards to the fact that he was new to the big city, started a new job, and he made new friends who were younger than he was and weren't in serious relationships. He went out once without any form of communication and was out the entire night. He got black out drunk a couple of times and did stupid things that were completely out of character for him. It was just a lot of negativity surrounding us. He would get texts/messages from people constantly and say they were just co-workers, or his family, or his friends, but then would always keep his phone hidden and once snapped at me for grabbing his phone when he got a message, but I really didn't think anything of it as I trusted him completely.About eight months ago I came home on the night of the Super Bowl after my boyfriend had been with a few of his buddies watching it at their place. He had been drinking and was more-or-less passed out with his laptop open. I had called him several times after getting off of work to see if he had made it home alright, but no answer. When I got in, I sent him into the bedroom and decided to clean up a bit. I went over to check his phone to see if he had even received any of my missed calls, and wound up finding two texts and one IM from Kik Messenger on his phone from girls I'd never heard of. I couldn't read anything as his phone was locked and password protected, but it was enough to make me wonder what was going on.From there I checked his history on his laptop and saw the he was signed up on PlentyOfFish.com as Single, but mentioned just looking for friends in the area. I was furious and grabbed his phone and asked him to tell me who the girls were. He came to and fumbled around on his phone attempting to open apps, and I snatched the phone out of his hand. He immediately started screaming at me and flipped the whole situation around to make me the "untrusting girlfriend" and said that I could've asked him to see anything, but to never just go through his phone. He said that he had given up everything to be with me (an excuse he used a lot when we fought about anything that I had the right to be angry about), and that he could just go back home. The night ended with me begging for his forgiveness and that pretty much being the end of it. I sent him an e-mail a couple of days after that expressing my feelings towards what happened and asked that he get rid of the profile and discontinue chatting with any girls from those sites.Fast-forward about two-and-a-half to three months. We were great after that incident. We never fought, were always happy together, were lovey-dovey and affectionate towards one another, etc. It was great. Because he mentioned that he had been unhappy and missing his family and said that he felt that I had been neglecting him and not making him feel wanted (which I could see where he felt that way), but I had been sure to keep my end of the deal and strived to always make him feel loved and wanted after that night.Well, one day I came home after dropping him at work and decided to hop on his laptop to look something up. His Top Sites window pulled up first thing with the browser, and I noticed another dating website pull up. The box in Top Sites was too small to make anything out really, but I could make out his profile picture. From there I created my own profile on the same website and found his profile. It has been created a few years back (2011), but had been logged into and had various comments left from girls over the course of our relationship (long-distance and live-in). He mentioned chatting apps he had to other girls and his e-mail address. From there, I went to his e-mail and found an entire folder dedicated to nude photos from these girls as well as a couple chats saved. I called him in tears asking what I was doing wrong and why he wasn't happy with me. He didn't say much and told me to get off of his laptop and not touch it again until he got home. We didn't really talk about it that night. He closed up and got very quiet, but apologized for what he did.The next couple of weeks were almost normal. I did have bouts of sobbing here and there and closed myself off to do so. He opened up a bit more and apologized over and over again for hurting me. When asked why he did it, and what I had done to cause it, he said that he "just f*cked up" and that I was the perfect girlfriend and did absolutely nothing wrong.Fast-forward five months: Things have flipped 180 degrees. He's changed his phone number twice to ensure that no girls have his information. He's switched phones and carriers and is now on a plan with me. He's deleted anything and everything from his phone/e-mail and has erased any online accounts. He's given me COMPLETE access to everything of his: phone, e-mail, computer, and assures me that I will always have access. He's asked me to whenever I feel insecure or paranoid just to ask him to see what he's doing and he'll gladly show me. Any time his phone goes off for any reason, he'll show me or tell me what it is. He's become completely open with communication and goes out of his way to make me feel wanted. He doesn't watch porn anymore (although I've told him I don't mind if he does) because he doesn't want to. Our lives are completely different now.However, even though I have all of this from him, and even though I want to be with him more than anything and make this work because I honestly do believe it was a f*ck up and he really does love me, I cannot move past what happened. We've argued countless times and said the same things over and over and over again. He says he only wants to get better as a person and wants us to get better as a couple. He says he just wants us to be happy and look toward our future and no longer look at the past. It's just not that simple for me. Everything that was once innocent about us is now tainted and I have to second-guess every move he makes. The attraction I felt he once had for me is fogged by thinking he was looking for something else while on those sites or chatting with those girls. He and I are both (in my opinion) attractive people, and it wouldn't be difficult for others to find us attractive, but I don't want that at all. I don't want others to find me attractive. I only want him. And I could never disrespect him enough to warrant testing the waters to see how attractive I was to others. He put absolutely everything at risk with us to chat with multiple, random, nameless girls online. I couldn't care less about other men because I've got who I want for life. Why was is okay for him to lose me for the sake of girls online? My still head spins with these questions daily, and no matter how hard I try, I will never have answers. He's told me he's sorry for putting us in jeopardy, and that he never will again, but he can't tell me why he thought it was okay, or if he ever did.My boyfriend is horribly depressed now because of our constant arguing and being reminded of his mistakes. He's told me that he loves me and wants me for life, but that we can't keep going like we are, or it will destroy us. He says he's doing absolutely everything that he can to lessen my paranoias and build trust back, but that I need to let him build it, otherwise it's pointless (which is true). My issue is that I turned a blind eye to it the first time, and look where it got me.. Granted, none of the steps he's taken in the past five months were taken eight months ago with the first discovery, but I'm still scared to let my guard down. He won't talk about the incident with me anymore, because there's nothing new to talk about. He said he will, however, still talk about paranoias if they arise.I need help. I need someone who has dealt with infidelity (in any form) and has come out still happy and in love with their partner years after the incident. I need advice from someone who's still healing but has found a way to cope and still move forward despite not being able to forget. I'd like advice from people who have seen a definitive change in their partner's behaviours without truly compromising happiness or willingness to be open. In other words, their partner WANTED to make the change to better themselves and the relationship, and were happy doing so. I want so badly to move forward and make this new relationship with him far better than the last one, but I just don't know how to forgive without forgetting..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): You can either let it go, or you can't. To say you forgive him, then hold it over his head everyday is as unfair as him cheating, IMO. It's certainly just as damaging to the psyche. It seems he did everything he possibly could have done to be completely open now, so to still have the same fight everyday is a waste of time for both of you. You will never know the reason he cheated, but it wasn't because of something you did or didn't do. He may have just been trying to "be sure" about you, people do strange things. It's something in him that he needs to work through, and it sounds like he's trying. He literally can't do anything else to be more open. He can't take his actions back, you decided that was okay when you stayed with him, so let it go or break up with him.I think overtime the trust will come back. You may check his messages daily now, but over time, it'd probably go down. And if it never does, that's okay too. I'd suggest for you to vent to someone else when the paranoid thoughts come to your mind. My sister calls me when her minds starts to wander(her and her bf have had some trust issues in the past, but both want to move past it), or if something odd happens and she needs an opinion on if he's possibly up to something or not. I can tell her if she's being paranoid about something that seems innocent, or if his actions seem weird to me too. Maybe you someone who could fill this need for you, or just a therapist. After this, there probably will be times you over-react about anything that seems off in your relationship, because "he's cheating" will immediately be your first reaction, but you will need to fight that and not assume the worst automatically. He will have to deal with it while you work through it. But you both have to make a real effort, if you don't feel like you can let it go, then save yourself the time. I do believe it's possible to come back from it though.I hope you find the peace you're looking for!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2014): My best advice to you is short and simply. Move on. Your boyfriend has the tendacy to be a silent abuser. He will continue to cheat and ask for your forgiveness. It's time for you to no longer accept that abuse and find a guy that will love and respect you. Be polite, help find a place of his own, or give him time to sort things out to move back. But let him go. He is not worth the stress at an early age, believe someone better will come along, and he will. Maybe tomorrow.
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