A
female
age
36-40,
*weetcatastrophe
writes:I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16, it's been 4 years now. We've never had a serious break up until last summer, and it lasted for 6 months. Ever since we've been back together things have not been the same. I have no desire to work for a future together, but when I tell him that he says it's all in my head and I need to "work on it". I don't know what to do, but I just feel in my heart that the relationship is over. We have a pretty unstable relationship with a lot of jealousy and extreme fighting.In the past months I have become a shell of my former self, isolated from family and friends. Whenever I try to break it off he just refuses to acknowledge my decision and I'm too timid to just walk out the door again. We have an apartment together, and he pays the rent, so he has taken care of me. But whenever I say I want to leave, he pretty much tells me that I'm obligated to stay because he has invested so much into me... I'm getting desperate and depressed, I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know how much longer I can do this.. how can I make him understand it's over and keep it civil until I can get out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): I think you are very brave and I am so pleased that you will finally be free and able to find new happiness.I wish you a very happy, hassle free life. Enjoy!
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 September 2007):
 I'm sorry to hear how vindictive he was when you left, but I am very excited you are able to start living.
Now there is a key to finding true love and happiness in relationships, and that key starts with you. Take some time, regroup, find happiness alone, before trying to match up. No body can make you happy, you have to all ready possess it. Then once you do it will be much more exciting to share happiness with someone special.
And don't let a guy treat you like this again, you deserve better than that.
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A
female
reader, sweetcatastrophe +, writes (20 September 2007):
sweetcatastrophe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice, the past couple of days have been really rough and we decided I should stay with my parents for a week. While I was here though I found out he went on my computer and got all of my passwords for email/etc. That's the last straw for me. I will be moving back home now, and hopefully be able to move on with my life. Thanks again =)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Some relationships just are not ment to be. You cant stay because he has 'invested ' in you or because you 'owe' him, thats what relationships are about love and support. It seems yes he has supported you but there is no longer any love. So why stay. Its time to think of yourself, reguardless of the threats or pain it may or may not cause.I think you both need to move on, you both deserve happiness.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 September 2007):
Relationships sure are hard. First lets look at your obligation to him. THERE IS NONE. People have relationships because they make a choice to spend time with the other person, not to become obligated to someone else. You're obligated to yourself, not to anyone else, and in a good relationship you'd be spending time with that person because they add something special to your life.
Let's briefly explain what has happened. You state your fighting a lot and the jealousy. Think of relationships as buckets. When you get together and those sparks are flying, the "good" bucket is full. Then you have the "end it" bucket. Whenever you get into a fight or he jealous, or maybe says or does something that makes you feel less of a person, you take from the good and deposit into the end it bucket. When you're end it bucket has more in it than the good one, your mind calls it quits.
As far as not hurting him, realistically it's going to happen. Relationships seldom end without some sort of pain, regret, or questions as to why it ended.
Instead of just telling him it's over, and I guess is fairly close to arguments, let's try communicating directly. You want to be direct, firm and strong. You need him to take you seriously, without room for debating your feelings.
Here's how I would handle something like that. "I need to talk to you for a minute, we've had 4 years together, some of which were great times, and others were not. I'm not doing this to hurt you. I deserve to be happy and so do you, and I just don't see us being happy if this relationship continues. I am calling it quits and I will be out on ____________." Then I would just turn around and walk away. If he begins to argue or yell, go to a friends. Or if it was me doing this I'd simply turn around and let them know "I don't believe I mentioned this being open for discussion."
I know you care about him and you care about his feelings, but you need to get to a place you can grow in a positive direction, gain your sense of self back, and be happy.
In the future, since you haven't had too much experience, remember this: The best relationships are those where both people are happy with themselves and in their lives, but they choose to share that happiness with someone special.
No body has the power to make you happy, that is up to you to develop and find yourself.
Take care
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