| A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am 23 and my girlfriend is 21. We have been together 7 months and we love each other very much. She has a two year old son.I knew this from the beginning and we get on well. We both like spending time with each other even though he can be a bit of a nuisance at times as I am sure all two year olds are.My girlfriend and his father broke up after their son was born - the son was unplanned and currently the father has him about two nights a week. This was on quite a sporadic basis but this was causing too much of a disruption so we spoke to him and requested that he let us know the days he would have him in advance. He has - to an extent - stuck to this arrangement. It really winds me up when he doesn't.I am finding the situation very difficult to deal with and I am not entirely sure why. I have 100% confidence in my girlfriend. I know she loves me and I know things are over with her ex. Yet still the situation gets to me.Obviously I would prefer it if she did not have a son but there is no point dwelling on the impossible. In any case I knew what I was letting myself in for at the beginning however I had no idea what it would be like. We don't live together but I do spend the majority of my spare time at her house. It can be a bit tiresome having a child's noise and mess around the whole time but it is also pleasurable to come home from a day in the office and relax by playing with him. (I notice I am refering to "the child" and "him" a lot, which is not through disrespect to him - purely because I am not going to mention his name). Perhaps I am an insecure person - I am not sure. I like to be able to plan ahead. I like to be with a partner and see a long term future together otherwise I do not really see the point in being together. Both me and my girlfriend would like a long term future together but we, probably I, need to overcome my problems. One day I would like a family, and I am quite happy for her son to be part of that. I think I treat him in the same way I would treat a child of my own. Maybe that is the problem. It angers me when he goes away for the days with his real dad. Originally I thought his father only came to see him when he felt like it, and often cancelled on him. I am not sure if this is stil true, and I have no idea how good or bad a father he is to him. I know he has convictions for random assaults on strangers so maybe this influences my thinking. He also treated my girlfriend badly and was violent. I don't understand why I feel like this. I think that I look after him when i am there. I play with him, feed him, cook for him, look after him, take him out, pay for things for him. And why? What do I get out of it? Well I am doing my girlfriend a favour so she gets some peace and rest, I am getting pleasure out of it in the main and hopefully I am contributing to bringing him up to be a decent young man. But it feels wrong him no being my own child. If he was my own then I would expect to dedicate large parts of my life to doing these types of things.Another thing I think that gets to me is I want to purchase a house before too long. It is hard enough to do as it is but to live with my girlfriend as we will do before long will involve buying something bigger. I am quite happy to do all this but it will mean that I pay for it all (my girlfriend is on benefits and although she is looking to work now the child is a bit older, she is not really going to be able to get a full time job). I am happy to pay for everything - I earn reasonably good money for my age and would like to live with them. I resent the fact that I will be paying for someone else's child when he only contributes £35 a week - which really doesn't pay for anything. If we lived together her benefits would stop so I would effectively have to pay for everything.I am desperate for this relationshi to work. I never want to leave them and I want to look after them and care for them and have a happy future. I want my own family in a few years and this is something we could have together. My girlfriend wants more children when the time is right.I am scared that this will not work. I am scared that if her ex has more children first this will further effect things. I am scared that my future life will be dictated by decisions they make now - choice of schools etc. We would have to treat all the children the same so the way in which I will treat my children - discipline, money spent on birthday presents, other things liek that will have to be consistent with the decisions they make now for the first child which are those that I don't play a major part in.I think I am also stressed by other things in my life. I have ongoing exams which I have to worry about for the next few years, the money situation is a worry especially as I want to be able to buy a property before too long. My girlfriend has suggested I am depressed - I have had family history of this. But I am not convinced. I think that is a seprate issue anyway. Perhaps I am making mountains out of molehills. Perhaps there is nothign wrong. We are in a happy relationship and I should just accept the situation as it is, bite my tongue and carry on as things are and accept I am not always going to be happy.In an ideal world I would be with someone equally perfect but without the child. But I do not ant to leave them and I do not see myself ever finding anyone else as lovely. I have never experienced a situation like this before, and I am not sure many people have. It would be scary enough to become a parent, let alone sort of having to be there for someone else's child.Maybe I should just take the good parts - playing with him etc - and leave the rest of it to her and not orry about it. But I can't do that because I feel attached to the boy now and I am also looking to the future where I see a family for us.I really don't know what I am saying, this has all just sort of come out. If there is any advice for me or if people have been in similar situations I would apreciate other viewpoints. I am determined to make this work I just don't really how to go about it or really what the problems are. We argue a bit about this and I feel that I am not coping with the whole situation and not being good enough to her and getting stressed too easily. I have also got very stressed with the child playing up recently and probably lost my temper too quickly. I am not sure this is related though. I don't resent the child at all - none of this is his fault. My girlfriend thinks we are good with each other and I am good to her. I don't want him growing up like this - constantly moving between two houses. When he grows up and has friends and toys in one place and not the other this will cause further problems and be disruptive for him. So to sum up - I just need to learn to accept the situation as it is and try to cope the best I can. I need to be the best possible role model for him whilst continuing to support my girlfriend and eventually be the best father I can be to our children when we extend our "family".I'm going to stop rambling on now. Thanks for listening.
View related questions:
broke up, confidence, depressed, her ex, insecure, money, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 It is nice to hear of a man that is willing to be a man and raise anothers child as if he were his own. This is what you should do, and continue to do. The time, effort, love, and financial contributions you are making make you MORE of a father than this guy ever thought of or will be. And it will be appreciated by "your son" when he is long grown and out of the house.
I understand your frustration with your sons father, as you feel he is not taking his role as a parent seriously. It is simply because you love, and are concerned for your sons well being. In a perfect world, it would not be like this; every child would have both parents getting along and living in the same house.
I would suggest that you continue what you are doing. There may be a time in the future that his father would be willing to sign over parental rights and allow you to adopt 'your son."
In the meantime, understand that your son does separate his fathers, and your actions. He knows the difference in how you care for him. He knows you love him. Many, Many children grow up this way (between two houses) and 'turn out' just fine. They turn out even better if they know they have someone who cares about them as much as you do.
Continue on in your girlfriends and your sons life. You sound like a great addition to thier family, and you should be very very proud of what you are doing: being a man and being a true father.
|
