A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in and out of my sons life now for two years now, not by my choice but by the choice of his mother. She recently let me start seeing him again which I am truely grateful for. But she has a live in boyfriend who my son calls daddy, which is understandable since he doesn't know me and this guy has been there this past year, but now she has my son calling both of us dad, which I don't think is right since I'm his father. It would be perfectly fine for him to take the title of stepdad but the father role I feel should be mine since I am his father. I'm trying to be reasonable about the situation but its driving me crazy on the inside. How can I approach this situation to my sons mother without causing problems? And how can I convince her to see my point of view? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2011):
 Yep kids are VERY VERY adaptable. and they always have room to be loved by more than just mommy and daddy...
when my boys were 3 and 5 their dad and I split up. My kids learned that
there are rules at mommy's house
there are different rules at daddys house
and there are still different rules at grandma's house (as a single parent they spent a great deal of time at my parents house so that my parents had to enforce SOME rules
basically my point is that kids can't ever be over loved and the more adults that love them and set good examples the better.
a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): Names, stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Titles only hurt if you let them. It is the meaning behind a name that truthfully says how much some one can love another. Your son calls his stepdad dad or daddy so what to your son that is exactly what he is. My nepthew calls his dad Dean and his mum Jackie, i thought it really wierd at first but that is just something that happens. He calls his Grandparents Granma and Grandad but his Uncles and Aunts he calls by names except me for some reason i am Uncle. Not complaing i love it it makes me feel special. Whatever your son decides to call you it will be purely because he loves you and could you possibly ask for anything better then that.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 Yes, that's the problem. Your not thinking about what's best for your kid, your thinking what is best for you. Good parents put their children first, and if it means being called "shit for brains", if that's what makes the kid happy, loads of parents just say "yes". Kids are not selfish like adults, they got tons of love in their heart and are pure enough to be able to love everyone the same way. Your the one who is acting like a baby... "if he dosen't call me dad, he won't love me no more".... Nope, the child won't love you as much if you put your needs first, and refuse to grow up.
Child now has 2 fathers (for whatever reason) and that means 2 men instead of just 1 loving him. More love, more presents, baby stays happy. To force him to stop calling the other guy will confuse him, you have no option but to leave it alone. If you make up noise you'll just make everyone unhappy and that could threaten your visiting rights.
The child will learn to sort it out himself. If your good he'll still continue to call you dad, if you act like an idiot he will grow up and call you "asshole". This isn't about you and what you want, it's about what's the best way to bring up a kid who has been messed about by the adults in his life. Your child's needs come first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy son is only two years old so I know he doesn't understand the difference which is ok, but I guess in my heart I'm afraid he is gonna like/love his "stepdad" more than me because he is around more than me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): Any man can procreate and impregnate a woman. But what makes a man a father is whether he demonstrates the commitment, responsibility and work of raising the child and developing a loving supportive paternal bond with him.
If the stepdad is fulfilling that role in your son's life, I expect that your son *should* call him daddy. What are you going to say to the mother? "I know your bf is the one who picks Timmy up from school every day, helps him with his homework, plays football with him, takes him to the doctor when he's sick, kisses him goodnight.... but I dont' want Timmy calling him daddy, that title is only for me!!" ..that doesn't make you look good.
it's great that you're trying to be in your son's life, so of course your son should call you daddy too. But don't ask him not to call his stepdad daddy too, that's not fair to your son or to his stepdad, and it sends your son a wrong message.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): This is your problem, not your ex's problem. I think your ex has the right idea and you could do with a better attitude.
no one is telling your kid to stop calling you "dad", rather you're upset because your kid is also calling another man "dad."
But this other man is the guy who is there day in and day out raising this child more than you are. This other man is the more stable and reliable male figure in this child's life. It's only right that your son call him "dad" too. It wouldn't be fair otherwise. Yes I realize that this is not your choice, you didn't deliberately abandon your son, it was his mother's choice that things be this way and you're doing the best you can. No one is saying that you shouldn't be called "dad" because you are his biological father.
But the truth is that this other man is doing more fatherly work than you of raising this child. He's the partner of this child's mother. So they are also a family. So isn't it only right and fair and fitting that your son call him "dad" too? How does your son calling him "dad" in ANY way reduce or insult you, if he also calls you "dad" as well? it's not like anyone is telling your son to stop calling you 'dad', so your "father title" is still intact. You just need to learn to share because here sharing is appropriate.
It would be wrong if this child called only you 'dad', and called the man who is raising him by his first name, or something like that.
basically, you're just being territorial and seeing this as an attack on your ego. That does no one any good, not yourself, and not your child because you're taking the focus off what's in your child's best interest and making it all about you.
I think you need to focus on your son's needs, be respectful of the other man for his role in your son's life, and be thankful that your child has another supportive male figure in his life who has stepped up to the plate and taken responsibility for him. The more caring responsible adults there are in a child's life, the better for the kid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Im sorry that you did not get to be a part of your son's life until now. That is unfortunate for the BOTH of you.It sounds like your child's Mother made a choice for the best interest of your son by opening the doors to the relationship again.However, your son has been calling this other man "Daddy" before getting to know you. Your son doesnt understand DNA involved. Why seperate or start assigning rank? Just love him and make choices in the best interest of your son.DO not make this about YOUR feelings or trying to carve out some special place for yourself in your son's life. Simply be a GOOD Dad and keep an honest and open relationship with your son. One day he will ask questions and he will turn to those he earn his trust and respect. DO not demand to be the only Daddy in his life. Consider him blessed to have MORE people who love him and provide for him.Your CHILD understands that calling a man Daddy *IS* special! What makes you a Daddy is the relationship-not the title. Enjoy it and disregard the need for a label that sets you apart.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2011):
well son has to call the other man something...what suggestions do you have that will not INSULT or undermine this other man who has stepped up and generously is acting in some capacity as a father figure to your child?I am a former stepmom. I am also a NON-custodial mommy kids went to live with the dad and stepmom @ ages 5 and 7... I always felt that since SM was there more than me that calling her MOM was appropriate. Her name is Isobel and my older kid slipped up and called her ISO... MOM one day.. and it stuck... so she beame Isamom to my kids... they are 25 and 27 now and it's still a good name for her and she uses it as her email address.when I started dating my ex husband his daughter was 9.. she wanted to call me mommy but I was NOT her mommy.. so we settled on LOVEY...till the day I married her father then she switched instantly to MOMMY.... she's 19 and I am divorcing her dad she still calls me MOMMY.. and that is fine with me.... I can see that your son (how old is he btw) calling another man daddy upsets you... but we have to come up with something especially if the boy lives with this man and his mother...STEPDAD is not a good title... pops... or some other nickname that works will be fine...I think that children that have more than one set of parents that get along are the most blessed children around.
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