A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am going crazy because of his sexual past. I think its because it happened while we were broken up. I feel as though, if he hadn't messed up the way he did, none of it would have happened. We wouldn't have broken up and it wouldnt have happened. The part of me that is crazy, wants to track down those girls husbands, and boyfriends and let them know the disturbing detail I discovered. I am genuinely thinking of doing it because I just want THEM to have to cope with the jealousey and resentment I do.Even though 'it wasn't cheating' and 'the past is just the past' all that logic doesn't take the pain away.If you answer please state whether or not you've experienced this before. People who haven't find it so easy to tell you to put the past behind you.So, my question is: why does my nice side say this is a bad idea?I want my revenge. I know guys are jealouse, I know definitely that more of their partners will be bothered by this than not, and that is what I want: to cause them the same awkard pain and discomfort in their relationships that they have caused in mine. That's what my crazy side says. My nice side says not to, that this will cause me more trouble than pleasure, but its not telling me WHY? What kind of trouble?So, what I want to know is: what's the worst that could happen?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 No, it doesn't change my mind. I don't care about technicalities; I care about moral responsibility and respect. Clearly you do too, or you wouldn't be this upset. I have yet to meet a man or a woman, who does not feel betrayed and cheated on, when their partner bangs someone while on break. I don't care how terrible the fight was, if your partner can turn his back that quickly on you, it's a huge slap to your face.
"I feel as though, if he hadn't messed up the way he did, none of it would have happened. We wouldn't have broken up and it wouldnt have happened. "
Exactly what did he do? And did you break up with him, or he broke up with you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
I am loving everybody's answers, I just need some time to process this.
"Perhapsnot" I just want to clarify, he didn't technically cheat. It was before we were married and after we had broken up... just wanted to know if that would change your answer at all?
Thanks a million guys & gal...
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (25 March 2012):
It has been a week, so you will naturally be still very upset. You have every right to be angry, but if you go through with your plan, it won't cause any pain to your husband. Think about this for a second...Why would he feel hurt or devastated if you tell these women's partners? You'll only hurt these innocent, male bystanders, who probably don't know that they're with cheating women. How is your husband impacted negatively here? The only negative thing that could happen is if one of the men tracks your husband down and beats him up. That would be it. Still not even remotely evening out the plain field, right?If you want to hurt him and make him feel the same, you would have to cheat on him with someone. That would be the only way to get back at him in a similar fashion, but my bet is that he won't be hurting as much as you because YOU have stayed faithful all along and he did not. You're more invested in this relationship, you're more respectful and more moral. There is no winning for you really unless you chose to remove yourself from the situation.I am glad that you will consider divorce if you cannot forgive him. There is no reason why you should feel the way that you do indefinitely. And judging by many women, they never quite get over it even if they choose to say. Dougbcll suggest to kill him with kindness, but it is a pretty empty tactic. It doesn't make you feel any better. When someone shits on you, it never feels good to sit idly by and smile. You rarely ever command respect with that tactic.
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (25 March 2012):
 Perfect. I can answer your question with accurate honesty. That feeling you're having. You know, the sinister emotion that tells you "Why shouldn't they feel the same pain I feel?" I've been there. I've felt the pleasurable thoughts of inflicting the same pain unto others that was hurled at me. It's an enticing temptation. But take it from me, it will only fill your heart with regret.Once you do it, you might feel a sense of relief and justice well served, but wait until the other feeling settles in. THEN you'll feel dirty and somehow no better than the people you wanted to hurt. If you're truly a good person then you will not benefit from this manuever. It will eat you up inside to know that you caused misfortune to another person's relationship, no matter how justified you believed it was. You can be the bigger person and walk away from that nagging temptation. Work this out with the person you had broken up with. Leave all others out of the quarrel.My situation: My girlfriend cheated on me with the married neighbor. When I found out, I got jealous and told the neighbor's wife. I thought "Good, justice served." but for some reason, I just couldn't move forward. I somehow felt. . .wrong. Like I was the one who cheated. The thing with revenge is, it's a double edged sword. You're hurting yourself as well as the person you intended to cut. I couldn't move forward because I didn't get closure. I didn't get closure because I chose to do a wrong to match hers. Once I figured that out. I called her, apologized for my actions and we came to an agreement that there were no hard feeling about it. I move on. Now I'm as happy as a bird on a cloudy day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU so much! Its so relieving to have some one know how I feel... Especially as the situation is so similar. It was 3 months into our marriage when I found out. He casually shared oral sex, gave it to these girls, not even to someone "meaningful"... It tears me apart... Disgusts me sometimes.. Then I feel sorry for making him feel bad about what happened when we broke up. Then I get angry that he even married me... And the cycle starts again. I only found out about a week ago...Thank you... Thank you so, so much... This is so relieving to share. Its hard to have so much pain and know everyone would tell you you dont have a right. Its so much better to know somone else gets it.So it hurts after 29 years? Does it hurt with the same intensity? Why did you stay? I'm trying to work on our marriage but if I can't overcome the pain I'm leaving!
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (25 March 2012):
 yes i have been , and am were you are at. it happened to me with my wife we have been married 29 years and it still bothers me. we dated , we broke up. she went out with guys and gave it away. yes it still hurts. going after his ex's want bring you any satisfaction , you could go have more sex with more people than he did you still would not feel satisfaction. you can go after , and get back at but you will only feel a different guilt. the best thing you can do is set down with him and talk it out in a nice controlled manner , tell him how this makes you feel. my question is does he regret what he did, if so the best thing you can do for yourself , and your relationship is to extend forgiveness to him. get back at him with kindness. hunting down the other people want give you any relief of the pain you are feeling. revenge will not even the score, it will just leave you feeling guilty, and hurting more. i know how you feel, i can say that.
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