A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone, I need advice and words of encoragement i think. Its gunna be long please bear with me. My husband and I have been together about 7 years since i was 16 married for 3 years. We have lived together since 17 and had a baby at 19. He has always been my best friend, we have a decent relationship, day to day life we know how to handle. Its just eachother i think we dont know how to handle. We have always fought, he has always threatened to leave me since the first year of our relationship. I used to beg him to stay with me, litterally beg him like a loser. I thought he was the best thing ever and if i lose him I lose the world. So i did anything for him to stay, changed myself, give in to sexual demands, gotten a tattoo of his name for him, many many stupid idiotic things i hvae done simply so he would stay with me and continue to belittle me for years and years. He can be wonderful, he is a great father, takes care of buisness, helps around the house sometimes, hes funny, good looking, fun to be with and do things with. But we fight and when we fight its ugly. He has never trusted me - once when we were 16 i spoke to my ex bf on the phone and did not tell my husband about it. He found out b/c my ex called again even after i told him not to and my husband was with me. So i begged him to stay with me and told him im sorry millions of times, still to this day apologizing for that. He does not trust me because of this, he constantly asks if i cheat on him, if im seeing someone else, if i have feelings for my ex still. So this is where our trust issues come from. To me, it was not a big deal. I spoke to him b/c he called... i told him ive moved on and would not like to speak with him any longer - he still called. So to me I did the right thing by asking him not to call back and i thought that would be it - no need to tell my husband about it. but that backfired b/c the stupid ex called again. so here we are now - 7 years down the road. We have good jobs, nice car, nice house. but we still have that trust issue among many others i think. Last night he feel asleep on the couch and i shut the house down and asked him to come to bed with me - he grunted and so i left and went back a few minutes later. This time he yelled at me to leave him alone. I did, and went back about 10 mins later. This time he yealled again saying "this is BS leave me alone" so i really left him alone this time. I could not sleep and about an hour later he came in saying "what kind of wife are you, leaving me on the couch when you know my back hurts" i told him that i went over there 3 times and that 2 of those times he yelled at me. He called me a peice of SH** and that is something he used to call me alot and it hurts. He said it like 4 or 5 times that i was a peice of SH** and that "you really really are a peice of SH**" of all the things he has ever said to me this one hurts the worst. I truely feel like a pecie of SH** to him and it hurts. I was laying down through all this and he poured a bottle of water all over my head on my pillows blankets and sheets. I actually was naked waiting for him to come to bed (hinting so we can make love I never sleep naked. yes after he cussed me out i still went to bed and had plans to please him) He denies hearing me ask him to come to bed three times. He says i did not and that I am lieing. He really does not beleive that i went over there 3 times and he does not remember yelling at me. Thats scarey and i am scared of him. He has cussed me out in the middle of the night and does not remember it. He has pushed me out of bed and does not remember this happenes when we have a bad night and usually if he does not get sex/BJ. So this went on from 12 am to 330 am. He stood in the door with the lights on and a bottle of water telling me if I go to sleep im pouring water on you. SO i sat up and played his game saying lets stay up all night what ever point it has. He said "if you want me to leave just tell me to" He always says this for years and i always say i dont wnat him to leave and he continues to say it every time we fight EVERYTIME. I never say leave. He continued so i grew some balls and said he is the one who wants to leave so go ahead and do it. He said i'll stay at a hotel and he had a name of hotel and he asked about our schedule with our boy and he asked about giving me money and everything you go over when you split up. He seems to have a "back up plan" So i said you can leave you can go do this plan you have. He asked for my ring back and i refused like i always do (fight have been like this before where he asks for my ring. he has even physically removed it from my hand with me fighting for it) I told him he wants to leave me and take my ring. the thing that i treasure most. He said he wants to take it so i can show the world i am single and he hopes i find a guy and that this guy will give me another ring - that makes me feel like vomiting thinking of being with someone else. after another hour i told him if he wants to take the one thing i want the most go ahead and to not talk to me and i really have hate for him. He took the ring off my finger and left me alone. He came back i guess after he stashed the ring and said he wants a hug and wants to end thing on good note. I didnt I didnt want to look at him much less touch him. So he got mad and said F you and went to "flush the ring down the toilet". honestly i dont know if he actually did b/c he has done that to me before telling me that he did but then he didnt. But i havent seen my ring since he took it off my finger. My finger feels so empty today. Everytime i feel it is not there my first thought is that i lost it not that my husband took it away from me :( he woke up and our dog had gotten sick during the night so there was a mess to clean. He told me about it he gets up a good hour and a half earlier than me. I asked him to please pick it up so it does not dry. He would not pick it up. so i got up at 5 am to pick up the dogs mess (big dog by the way - gross) He was already awake and showered and dressed but he got me out of bed to clean up the dogs mess. we did not talk all day and then i get a text about 1130 am him telling me he is going to bring me food for lunch. Im sorry but im far from hungry today. I told him no thanks. He just took my ring away and wants to leave but he wants to bring me food?? I dont get it. SO WTH is this????I want him to leave b/c i know this is bad!!! but if he doesnt leave b/c he has said he will in the past and has not i cant leave?! i cant bring myself to do it. Please any advice would help me right now....if he does not leave what can i do to make him leave??? please any opinions please tell me be honest be brutal!! tell me the truth!!!
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best friend, ex called, money, my ex, split up, tattoo, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): It seems you have explained truth and it has been all due to your womenship behaviour from your past, do you know there is a loop hole in women's brain naturally and men must fill it,as under the hormonal effects women do such activities unconsciously and also consciously that are totally different from their routine beahviour. If u want to get rid of this trouble. hold please. be easy and try to start your husband's therapy yourself, actually you both dont want to split it up but you both are unable to deal the single matter of distress that is trust. yourtrust can make him your faithful and loving husband, but it demands patience,creativity and a bit technical dealing, deal the things slowly slowly and step wise.Try to discuss matters with him and give him preference in daily life decisions, Then ask him if he is not believing your sincere feelings, then let him give you aTASK to fulfill, if you will do, he will believe in you. I hope you are trying to understand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): You are being emotionally and verbally abused. It is no way for you or your child to live. Be glad your ring has gone. He can no longer take that from you as a form of punishment. The ring is worthless anyway if he doesnt love and respect you. Only you can decide when his bad behaviour outweighs his good points. It sounds as if that time is near. You could try talking to him when hes being reasonable and explain that if he doesnt get some help for his anger issues then he will have to put his back up plan into action and leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): This guy is mentally abusing you. If you really want that ring back, see if you can get him to give it to you. Tell him it means the world to you and see if he'll quit tormenting you. Then, leave. This guy is seriously messed up and he's messing you up. Get away and don't wait for him to leave- you leave. He's playing ugly mind games, which are breaking you down- it's like cults do to their victims, eventually they are so broken they can't think for themselves and stay in horrific situations that only benefit their abusers.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 April 2011):
 Why don't you just leave him? Its an abusive relationship, it sounds as though you married a six-year old who pouts and rants and stomps when he does not get his way. He is trying t manipulate you, all of it is just deceit, trying to make it seem as though he does not remember yelling at you, it is just a pointless game and now he is trying to draw you back in, trying to make you think there is hope of change but if he really wanted change, he would have seen it and acted on it years ago. So pack your things and leave that house.I hope that helps.
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