A
female
age
30-35,
*oveanddrugs
writes:So I'm here to just get advice on how to get my ex back... I think I'm making pretty good moves so far lol but sorry this is so long! We broke up three weeks ago after nine months... he made a lot of excuses on why we broke up like he didn't have 'those' feelings for me anymore, but I know that the real reason is because he still has feelings for his other ex who was also his first love. He has that weird attachment to her that I've realized a lot of guys do with their first love. She dumped him a year ago and now her and the boyfriend that she left him for just broke up and she's pursuing him again... they've already been on dates since we broke up and he told me that. I'm smart enough to know that they won't last... the main reason that I'm sympathetic with him is because I had a 'first love' that I almost left him for, but I finally got closure from it... this girl has never given him closure and he has to figure it all out for himself. His other reason for breaking up was wanting to do his own thing and needing space, which we did hang out all the time so I understand that. Anyways, he made a big point that he wanted us to be friends, always. Some people said maybe he's just being nice, but he doesn't act that way... he's texted me when I don't text him and (for example) I texted him today and reminded him that I had his air mattress still and he kept me on the phone for ten minutes... and when he picked it up asked me to sit in his car and talked to me for thirty more minutes! Not just small talk, like about everything going on in our lives. He even gave me one of his old digital cameras because mine broke. I've been doing good so far about not texting him for days at a time... making him wonder and think that I've moved on from the relationship and am happy with just being friends. I always make sure to look really good when he sees me too... and every time he's seen me since we broke up he has told me how nice I looked. And tonight while we were talking he made eye contact and got out of the car to hug me when he left... and his ex that he left me for texted him while we were talking and he didn't even read it, he set it aside. So... basically I need opinions? Lol. It's obvious that he wants to be my friend, so do I just keep acting this way until he realizes this thing with his other ex won't work? And once he does realize it, what action do I take? Whether it be weeks or months, I'm very much convinced that this guy is some form of soul mate whether just as a friend or in a relationship, we always get along. One fight, in nine months of dating is pretty good I think.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): He has broken up with you and this must be difficult to accept, especially as he is being nice to you and staying friends.
You don't say how long he was with his ex, but he is obviously not discouraging her and could be back with her. It's easy when you want someone to read things into what they say and do.
Whatever the case, it is not a good idea to carry on like this. If you want him back, you need to think seriously why, when he said he didn't want you. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but I think it would be better if you found someone who appreciated you more and wanted to be with you, and only you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Interesting question. On the one hand, it is thought that being friends is usually one of the best ways to lose an ex forever. If he can have you as a friend whenever he wants, why would he need you as a lover, with all that pesky commitment?
However, another theory says that, while women tend to have separate categories for "friends" and "potential partners", men are more likely to see a female friend as a potential partner.
If you want to risk it, go for the test of time: no contact, an REALLY no contact. It will either force him to be honest with you, or maybe pursue the relationship with his other ex and fail, which will then bring him back to you... if that's what he wants. Otherwise he'll find other friends.
If you don't want to risk it, it's fine too. I've read cases of people who have gotten back their exes through the "friends" route. It's rarer, though.
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