A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Does my bloke not have any respect for me or is he is just useless.....my bloke and I have been together 17 months he moved in 3months ago with me and my 10yrold son ...but even tho he is great with my son (he's disabled) but he's useless in every other area I feel like I have two kids .if I ask him to go shop to get essentials he comes back with any thing but ...I showed and showed him how to use the cooker and washer but yet 3 months on he still puts it on wrong settings ?? Everytime? ?? He puts his clothes on inside out?? He drops his meals down him EVERY MEAL?? BUT the most things is that if I ask him to do anything he does the opposite all the time ...he says he tries yet is it trying when he gets it wrong every time...if I cooked his worst food every night for tea is that nice cause 'at least I cooked' (tried) when I give in and just do everything myself it's ok but I want an equal not a child I have to look after But I love him but it drives me insane I scream at him a lot when he messes up
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 April 2017):
 Was he over protected by his mother maybe? When he brings you milk or wine do you appreciate him doing that even if it is the wrong type? Or do you continuously just put him down? I mean am sure this is a big change for him as well. You mention he is good with your son, so do you praise him for that? Or are you always just giving out? Try and look at it from both ends. He won't do laundry well then just leave his to one side and do your own and your sons. He will soon learn. When you are cooking food do so for you and your son and he can look after himself. If he cannot even dress himself them maybe he is a bit simple?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 April 2017):
 I'd tell him straight up that he isn't pulling his weight around the home. Simple as that.
Write out instructions for the washer and tape them to a surface where he can SEE it as he does laundry. I say that because I ACTUALLY know GROWN ASS MEN who "can't" do laundry. My BIL was one. When he divorced his wife his DAUGHTERS did the laundry because they knew how and he honestly didn't, he thought the dirtier the laundry the more soap you put in and the hotter the water! Imagine? lol He is now proficient but it took a while. Same with cooking. though he DID show up with a shirt for a white tie event, and asked if I could iron it as he was afraid to burn the shirt - I just set up the ironing board, set the setting and "bossed" him around till the shirt looked presentable. And my BIL is 52...
So it doesn't SURPRISE me that there are men out there who isn't used to doing domestic chores at all. They often have MOM do it when living at home and they FIND a GF who "shows" love by "mothering" them when they move out.
So write easy and clear instructions. And tell him to DO his own laundry. (to start with, that way if he messes it up it's HIS fault and HIS clothes he messes up...)
As for cooking... I'd find some cooking books for kids. YES seriously! and have him start on those. Don't let him "get away" with screwing up the meal so he doesn't HAVE to cook again because I think that is part of it. ANY GROWN (or even not grown) person can GOOGLE how long to cook an egg or how to make pasta primavera or whatever! It doesn't take a culinary education to cook an easy spaghetti/pasta dish or cook anything else. After all, you are not asking him to cook a la Cordon Bleu... If he REALLY can't cook then he can clean up BEFORE and AFTER the meal or COOK together, have him help prepare. Go take an evening class together in basic cooking...
Like the last anon mentioned, he MIGHT be doing it on purpose. My DAD was like that with my mom. He would either procrastinate SO long that she got tired of asking and waiting and she just did everything herself all the while being totally frustrated with it, yet he "claimed" that he had OFFERED help... *eye roll* My own husband have tried that too and I have learned when he OFFERS help I PUT him to work... which has resulted in my not HAVING to ask he just do things that SHOULD come "natural" like setting the table, cutting meat or whatever is needed. Other times he is just "smart" enough not to ask if I need help and do nothing (which is fine too). Our kitchen is small and he is a tall and big man so usually more in the way than not.
And lastly if all this hasn't helped and made him improve you might have to rethinking living together until HE can pull his weight around the house.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): It's a well worn classic tactic that men use when they don't want to be asked to do anything. Whatever you ask them to do, they do it wrong so in the end you stop asking.
This is well known! Ask any woman of a certain age who's had a bit of experience and they'll laugh that you're thinking he's clueless. He's anything but!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): Chigirl if I did what you suggested I am treating him as a child (shall I get him well done stickers)...by always doing the opposites if I asked for white wine he would bring red ...if I asked for greentop milk he would bring blue top..if I gave him directions say turn left he would go right he should not need help with simple instructions he does well at work he's a senior nurse ....as for the lady who said I should get S S Involved haha my son is not a problem ss won't help with partners haha but thanks
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 April 2017):
 PS. I had a boyfriend once who lived with me for a few months and he never took out the trash and he always only washed his clothes separate from mine etc. I cleaned, took out trash and did basically everything. He was smart and clever and all, but he just needed time to feel like he lived there too. He felt like he was just a house guest, and not living there. I talked to him about it, and it improved. But it really took a turn for the better once we moved into a new apartment together. Then it was "our" apartment, and not him living at "my" apartment. The difference was remarkable, he did his fair share of chores just by himself once he felt the apartment was also his. No need for any arguments or any division of chores, he just did things because he felt it was his place too.
So, try to make him feel more like he lives there too, and isn't just visiting? And give it more than 3 months, 3 months in I think he probably still don't feel like he actually lives there, more like he just visits for a long time.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 April 2017):
How can he do the exact opposite of what you ask?
Is he perhaps not on the bright side? I mean, no offense to him, but some people just aren't that smart and it takes them forever to learn something new or get it right. How about you write him a manual for the machines so he doesn't put them on wrong setting? So that he can read how to do it each and every time, rather than doing it wrong or having to ask you. And he needs to write down a list of what you ask him to buy, if he cannot remember. Write him a shopping list.
I mean, I think you expect too much! If he is indeed trying, then YES it counts as trying, even if he gets it wrong. Make the requests more to his level. Then see if things improve. Even if you can learn something new from just being shown how to do it once, doesn't mean everyone else can, or that they are lazy if they are unable. Write the manuals and leave them on the machine. Write shopping lists. Write house hold chores as you would when dividing them between children: hang them on the fridge or somewhere easily seen, with a name attacked to each chore and how often/on what days this should be done.
Try it. See if it helps. He might be a man-child, but that doesn't mean he can't contribute or do his part. Just make things more to his level until he starts to do it automatically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): Oh dear what a state of affairs! Out of the frying pan into the fire as they say!You already have your hands full! You really dont need a man who is as demanding as your youngster and as you find it stressful you should curtail the contact. Trim it down , cut it off or go for the lets be friends line!While you are feeling so drained and undesired and unsupported you cannot push this relationship to any greater heights!If it isnt working for you the he is not the correct partner for you.In fact I think you got yourself a Mr. Bean!Charming, madcapped fun but no map for the future so give a struggling mum a break and look for some down time alone to regenerate.Also seek maximum help from social services so that you feel in control!If you prefer to potter on as it is then thats your choice but I think most people would expect a busy mum to be allowed to demand some time for herself!
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