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female
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anonymous
writes: I am really confused at the moment. This guy and I have known each other all his life (our parents are best friends) but recently we have started to see each other as friends. I really like this guy; he is a breath of fresh air compared to other guys I have encountered. Normally I would have no hesitation in pursuing a relationship with such a sweet natured and attentive guy but he is 21 and I am 9 years older than him. I think he’s wonderful, but I am at an age when I am thinking that I would like to settle down and maybe have kids and I think it would be unfair to expect a 21 year old guy to settle down at such a young age. I think he ought to experience life and live a little. He may actually feel the same way that I do about marriage and kids, but how many 21 year old men want to be married with kids?So, how’s the best way to gauge a man’s seriousness regarding relationships? - I don’t want to get too deep too soon and scare him off. The mere mention of marriage and kids to men over 21 years old would, I am sure, be enough to send most of them running for cover, let alone one of 21!!!I think partly it’s this age gap which is stopping me becoming more involved with him. I would absolutely love it if we kissed but my head would be saying ‘you know, it will never work because of the age gap’. He briefly touched my hand last night and it felt electric. With the very few guys that I have had a physical relationship with, I’ve always felt that I rushed into having sex too fast and haven’t allowed the relationship to develop enough first. With this guy, if our friendship does develop into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship I want to establish whether it is serious before anything physical occurs but how do I do that without the possibility that I will scare him away? I am desperately trying to ignore my physical feelings for him for as long as possible but I am finding it very difficult. How do I put off anything physical (so that I give this friendship a chance to hopefully become a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship - if I can get over this age gap thing) when what I would love to do is kiss him!?!I think some of this confusion I am feeling stems from the fact that the last guy I had a relationship with, I believed would be the one I would marry and it didn’t work out - it seems to have left me with some very strange ideas that have prevented me getting close to men since; that I can't have known him very well because I believed we would get married, and if that is the case then I shouldn't have had a physical relationship with him.The other problem with regards to the guy I am seeing as a friend relates to the fact that our families have been close all my life (our parents are best friends since childhood) and I would want both families to approve of the relationship because I respect them a great deal. It was actually one of his parents who got us together but they did say ‘just as friends’ because, at the time, I think they could sense that I was initially abit taken aback when they asked if I would go out with him. I’m also concerned of the repercussions through our families if the relationship failed - I couldn’t bear it if it jeopardised the friendships our families share. I have asked some of my closest friends their opinions on this age gap thing, and, surprisingly, they have been very encouraging and told me to go for it (I thought they would tell me to be cautious) although they don’t know how close our families are.If it came to the stage where we became boyfriend/girlfriend then at what point should I tell him I am only after a serious relationship? I don’t want to have a physical relationship and then find he isn’t into anything serious. Or should I just let things develop and see what happens? I would like to be involved with him but I seem to be putting these obstacles, albeit sensible ones in my opinion, in the way. I don’t do flings so that isn’t an option. I guess, in some ways, I have strong morals, but I sometimes wish I didn’t care so much! Despite the seriousness of all these questions, we are enjoying each other's company alot.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (16 February 2006):
 gosh the age we settledowmn at seems to get older and older!
is that really a good thing?!
i was 24 when i settled down my husband was 17 and while he is fulfilled and positive i have so many doubts in our relationship as apposed to when i first fell for someone over 10 years ago , i envy him for not having gone through all the disaster relationships i had to endure before finding him, a hundred years ago you would be on the shelf at 21!
i hink you would be doing something very positive in being together, my husband is 19 married with 2 kids and he is SOOOO happy !!!!
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (13 February 2006):
 Good grief girl, you really think about things to much, I bet you are a worrier in all aspect of your life, stop stressing and read your letter again, it holds all the answers if only you would let your heart have a say in stead of that lovely but very sensible head of yours.
Stop thinking and start dreaming, the best relationships come from strong friendships.
Send him a jokey valentine card, ask him out what ever but see if there is anything other that friendship in his mind, if not well leave it there, nothing ventured, nothing lost.
If there is well go for it, you said yourself when you touched it was electric dont let obsticles stand in the way of happiness.
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