A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 28 years old female who already has a child with my ex boyfriend I have never been married , i am now in a relationship with a 37 years old man who does not have a child we do not live together and we are in a long distance relationship. He states that he wants us to get serious and have kids i told him i want marriage before having a second child he is of the view that marriage is just a piece of paper tho states he would still consider marriage but after getting kids he states that his views on marriage is that once he gets a child then he will marry the mother I really love him he is really a nice person we have known each other for 7 years though we have been serious just about a year now ..... I dont want to make the same mistake twice of not getting married and i dont want to loose him I told him i want another child before I turn 30 but marriage is a big deal for me .... i am considering to give him few more months to reconsider but if his views do not change I am considering to move on .... am i the only one who face this kind of ordeal????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2018):
 Uhm, I would not gamble on that. What if, after you have given him a child, he changes his mind and refuses to reconsider and to marry you ? As it is probable, too ; if somebody is so adamant against marriage which is just a pointless piece of paper, well, then it would be a pointless piece of paper either way, with or without children, wouldn't it ?
Of course you have done the single mother gig already- and you survived, maybe even thrived , but the point is not if you can, but if you want. It sounds like you really do not want it. It sounds like marriage is important to you . So, I would not risk it, I would play it totally safe. Unlickily, if you really wish to get married, and he really does not wish to get married... there's no good, sensible way to compromise about this. You come from very different places and have very different agendas and it may be time to aknowledge it.
Just out of interest ... you say that you are long distance; is he / was he planning to be a long distance DAD too, ? beside a long distance lover ??
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018): If marriage is just a piece of paper and he doesn't care about it then marrying you, who it is a huge deal for, wouldn't be a problem. He'd do it to make you happy. Having children is a huge commitment especially with someone that isn't taking you needs and wishes into account.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018): Move on now.
He is offering you bait on a hook and waiting to see if you will bite.
He is not fond of marriage but wants a kid...so tells you he will consider AFTER he gets what he wants. But once you have his child YOU are trapped in a situation with him as father whether he will be a support or not.
You already know this makes no sense. If he is willing to marry you he will do so BEFORE bringing a child into the world. This provides extra security for the child and everyone involved.
And what, so if you fail to get pregnant he no longer wants to marry you?
It seems like everything is his way or the highway. If he loved YOU he would want marriage with YOU first and kids second. Not you to be his baby-maker without providing you with any sense of security or commitment.
And do not expect you can evaluate a relationship which is long distance. You need to truly live together or live in the same neighbourhood to really know him on a day to day basis, how he responds to stress and trivialities. You would be surprised how important this is.
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