A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi i am 26 years old i had and lost a child when i was 16 she passed away from complecations and ever since then i have always felt the need to have children. I was marred for 2 years and he left me to be with the bosses daughter. I am no with i guy who is my everything, my best freind , my family, everything to me we complete each other in so many ways. Except he is afraid of children, not that he does not like them he is so fear full of everthing like money, food, clothes, birth defects, what happens if they grow up and cant give the child everthing thay want. i ve tried to talk to him and so has his father. But to no evail, what can i do, i ve tried to qunich my want with pets, who are my children ( the hairy kind). Help please!!!
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female
reader, kaysha  +, writes (22 January 2008):
id say he needs to wake up to himslef. you sound like a wounderful and caring woman. and im sure he will come around one day and relise children are a wounderful thing. they not only give you a place in your hart but they are live everyday to say mummy and dadddy .. please say these words to him once you read this:...
hunni i have found what i have been looking for and im not letting go. im missing one peace inside of my hart and you can only fill that specail place me both of us. will make wounderful children, im ready for kids not to sure why your not they are a wonderful thing that fills that last place in our harts .
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (15 January 2008):
There are several things going on simultaneously here. I don't know how all the pieces fit together for you, but perhaps describing them will help you complete the picture.
If your B/F is truly sincere, his reasons actually show that he understands the responsibility a child brings. Give him credit for this; it's a sign of maturity. It sounds like you two can have rational, mature discussions - under what circumstances would he be willing to father a child? When he has finished school? When he turns 30? When he has stable employment that can support all 3 of you? When you two are married (to each other!)? When the house and the Lexus are completely paid off? When medical tests show that neither of you are likely to pass on some genetic disease that appears in your families?
Any of these situations can represent a reasonable concern - and any of them can be a socially acceptable excuse - and any of them can be a mask for selfishness or egotism. Surely there are no certainties in life and even the most unemotional evaluation will never find a "perfect" time to have children. Suppose the house burns down, you must care for a bed-ridden parent, the employer goes bankrupt, or your partner is crippled from some street crime? These events can be devastating and can happen whether you have children or not. The plans for dealing with these possibilities may look different when kids are involved, but are they really any more difficult?
On the other hand, some people use children as a status symbol or fashion accessory, too. Watch the U.S. political advertising - when a candidate has no viable answer to poverty, or war, or healthcare, or rush-hour gridlock, he'll pull out a picture (mental or physical) of his happy family with the darling children and tell you that he'll fix everything for their sake. Does having a kid REALLY make one a more valuable, or even more capable, person? Do you want a baby just because a child nursing at his mother's breast looks so warm and loving? Those little bumbles-of-joy become six-foot-two-inch food processors who leave for college and never live at home again. I know! And I'm glad - for them and for me!
Are you being peer-pressured into having kids? When I lived briefly in the southern U.S. it seemed that a lot of women had the goal of being grandmothers before they were 40 years old. You still have plenty of time - being a new mother at 40, or even 45 years old is not uncommon. (My wife was 38 when our youngest was born.) To be fair, medical risks increase after age 35 or so but the odds of severe problems are not stacked against older mothers! Check with your OB/Gyn doctor to get the latest information on this.
In your case there are two other factors. First, you were still a child when you had a child. I've never known a woman who went through that and didn't regret it as a significant mistake in her life. Some recover from the setback, others don't, but all seem to be marked by the event. How much do you want a child to raise and mold into the mature, achieving, obedient, person that you weren't? That's NOT all bad! You SHOULD want to give your own kids the benefits of your experience - they probably won't live long enough to make all the mistakes themselves, and learn from them. But please don't try to live or re-live your own life through your kids.
The second factor is losing your child. I have been through a similar experience. My wife and I were 27 when she first became pregnant. That ended in an emergency C-section, and a daughter who lived for only a day. It devastated my wife. As soon as she had the medical OK, we set out to start another baby. In the midst of grief, disappointment, general unhappiness, and a Caesarean scar that she loathed, we tried to conceive again. For over a year I went through that, and the accompanying monthly disappointment. She was determined to "replace" the child who was taken from us, and "prove" that she was indeed a mother. We had started to discuss adoption, and fertility treatments, when she became pregnant after 14 months. But to this day - almost 30 years and THREE grown children (including a daughter) later - she feels guilty for "losing" our first child, and being unable to "replace" her. If you are similarly motivated be aware that another child may NOT satisfy your need.
I should add that, perhaps like your B/F, I was not eager to start a family. Not opposed to the idea, but not driven to father a child. After our daughter died I realized how much I actually DID want children. My wife wasn't the only one who grieved the loss . . .
In closing, I have to ask: Why aren't you two married? It's popular to say that "children are adaptable", etc. But it seems that the most adaptable children, the ones who do best in school, the ones who most easily become self-sufficient, come from stable families where both parents are committed to each other and have unified their financial, personal, career, and family goals. Providing that kind of support will do more for your kids than any financial security, "quality time", or social status. I'm NOT suggesting that getting married will make you great parents. Quite the contrary, unless you can reach some consensus on the matter of being parents it may be better to NOT be married. But before you two become three, consider the value of first becoming one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Normally I would advise the two of you to go your separate ways since no compromise is possible. However that would be if he simply didn't want children. You say the only thing keeping him back is fear, maybe you could try foster care. Actually caring for a child may help him overcome his fear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If your bf doesn't want children you should respect that. I don't know why you are in a rush to have kids anyways because you are so young. Having children is something that you should both want together. And it is a HUGE responsibility that he is not ready for. So if he's not ready, he's just not ready. Perhaps all he wants to do right now is be with you and just you, without all the complications of children and family life. I can't blame him, especially if he is as young as you are. Live your lives and enjoy yourselves and above all respect his feelings on the matter. One day he will definitely want to have kids, probably. In the meantime, let things happen more naturally and try not to force the matter anymore. Leave it alone.
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