A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I worry a lot. I've never been in a relationship before and I've been dating a guy for some weeks now and we both have feelings for each other, he's tried to kiss me but I didn't go for it and I don't really want to till I know more about him. I don't know why, maybe I feel insecure, but I worry about his ex's, like what did they look like, what happened to those relationships etc. and I feel sort of jealous and anxious. I'm not usually a jealous person, I'm never nosy, but for some reason I stress over his past relationships and I feel - angry. It doesn't make much sense and I asked him if he would like to tell something about these relationships and he was like he'd love to. I'm thinking of bringing it up next time we meet but I don't want to seem paranoid or too nosey. I guess I'm afraid he misses his ex's or is not over them or something (he's not really shown obvious sigs of this though).
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his ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I agree with the first anon poster, you should NOT ask for more info. You might think you want to know, but you are going to drive yourself crazy. Retroactive jealousy can kill your relationships completely and make it impossible to feel happy with someone.
You want to know because what you're hoping is that he will tell you about these horrible mean women who were very ugly and bad in bed and used him and that he had no feelings for, but it's not what you're going to hear. Whatever he does tell you is going to feed your jealousy and you will constantly need to hear more (hoping for the key that will remove the jealousy, some indication that she was actually a monster, despite the fact that no such thing exists).
Do yourself a favor and stay away from this topic. I know right now it's hard to ignore, but the more information you get from him, the harder it will be to ignore until you wreck your relationship.
I know this seems really melodramatic compared to what you're asking, but we have had thousands of questions about this topic and I promise you, the only way to feel better is to try to ignore the insecurity until it isn't there (that will happen eventually).
Look through the answers from Yos:
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2012):
 You list all sorts of paranoid/nosey behaviour, then ask "How can I NOT appear paranoid?"
Best I can suggest is that you have someone ELSE look at you. This guy you are "seeing" can't miss it....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): You are already showing signs of retroactive jealousy. It is a huge mistake to find out specifics from his past, trust me. Everything you learn will fuel the jealousy. How do you think you will feel when he says he dated a girl for a year he was really in love with but she dumped him? It's a high possibility something like this happened in his past. If you are jealous already at even the concept of him dating someone then finding out he was in love is going to be devastating... I wish that someone had warned me before I asked a lot of questions about my husbands past. For a year it was all I could focus on. And I was only able to get over it because he said he never felt in love in the past, he just had a lot of relationships he never put much effort into. If he had told me how he loved a girl I don't think I could get past it. Even with that I was told some of his sexual history which stuck with me and I thought about all the time. It still comes up to this day when I get a trigger from anywhere. I always wished I never knew this information, I could've been blissfully unaware of his past as I should be.
Look into retroactive jealousy on this site please. You will learn a lot. And the less you know about his past the better you will be able to handle the paranoia and jealousy. Once you get some facts it will likely destroy you, cause you to hammer him with questions, and ultimately ruin the relationship. I'd advise only to know the number or partners and that's it. Knowing how they looked is NOT going to help you. Knowing any specifics of his feelings or sex life is ONLY going to hurt you. You are hoping to hear things to make you feel better, you want to feel like you are the only one who has been important to him and need to hear him confirm that no one else mattered. It will only make you feel worse, you can't guarantee anything he will say. Try to focus only on how your relationship is in the present. And if you are determined to ask about the past then tell your boyfriend beforehand that you are worried and feel jealous about it, hopefully he will be smart enough not to give you anything hurtful that you can't handle ( like how an ex was amazing at sex and broke his heart). Just be careful. Asking too much will show your paranoia anyway.
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