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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I broke-up with my ex two years ago. Two months ago I decided to return all of his things through a third party. I waited that long because I didn't want to talk to him or see him. I returned his things because I'm a christian and I believe keeping things that don't belong to you is stealing no matter how you put it. I'm not seeing anyone now but I would never go back with him. I believe he's not seeing anybody either. The thing is that he recently contacted me through email after a long time to thank me for returning his stuff and told me he would like to keep in touch with me even if it was only through email. In two years he had contacted me like 3 times by email and I have not replied. I changed my mobile number and he doesn't have the courage (I know him) to call to my parents' house were I live, to talk to me. That would have been appreciated when I broke up with him back in 2007. Back then I was suffering so much and he-a conservative/christian/professional adult-suddenly started facebooking and myspacing like crazy and befriending online lots of strangers, specially women, making me feel rejected and lonely. Also, he liked to appear as "single" on his online profile whe he was supposed to choose the "in a relationship" status option. He knows I don't like to keep in touch with exes or remain friends with them because it makes no sense. If you knew a person intimately as a partner and it wasn't a great experience Why would you want that person to be your friend knowing the way he truly is? I replied to his email nicely and he quickly replied back but I have not answered yet and it's been like 4 days. It's obvious he wants to know everything that's going on in my life. He pretends that I engage in constant emails back and forth with him to answer all of his curiosities about me. Living only 10-15 minutes from him I've tried my best to keep my private life a secret from him since he is the first and only person I've shared with so many intimate details of my past, present and future. When the relationship ended I felt I desperately needed to regain my privacy. Also, this guy failed to me when I needed him the most. Two years ago I was unemployed for a long time and he kind of was ashamed of me because of that. Because he desperately needs the approval of people and likes to make his family and friends think he is "the most succesful man" because he is so insecure. Now I'm unemployed again since February and I don't want him to know it. I know he'll eventually ask and I don't want the "email relationship" go that far. I want to keep everything superficial not personal. But don't get me wrong, even if I wasn't unemployed I wouldn't have been interested in keeping in touch with him, eventhough I don't hold grudges against him anymore. I really want him to be happy and prosperous. As a christian I don't want to make him feel bad or do anything to hurt him. I just want to keep that chapter in my life closed. When I returned his things I finally felt it was completely over And now he comes back?? In two years I've changed a lot and have matured a great deal in so many areas. He is a cool guy, a good friend although he has his defects and lots of people really like him. But he is not the best boyfriend. And I really hate the many impure things I talked and did with him back then and his subtle manipulations and light psychological games. I shared many good things with him but overall he was a bad influence in my life. For the past two years I've worked with my mind and spirit and have suffered a lot trying to become a better person both spiritually and emotionally. I'm proud of what I have accomplish and ain't no one's going to remind me of the way I used to be (Let's just leave that to my dysfunctional family) You know like my past fears, insecurities and stubborness. I see myself differently now. Back then I used to avoid my old high school friends and extended family members so they wouldn't learn I was unemployed and still unmarried. Now, I know my real value as a person has nothing to do with what I have accomplished or not. I have a much better self esteem and I don't think my ex has nothing positive to bring into my life. What should I do to conquer what I want with this individual? I want him to leave me alone and respect my privacy without him feeling that I hate him or that I'm a bad person or I that I feel insecure as I used to be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): Hi, Thanks for your replies. To GrimmReality Agony Uncle: I stated why I returned his things. In other words I felt guilty for keeping them. At the beginning I was unemployed and needed his fax machine and used it for a while and then didn't know how to return it without talking to him again. I returned it when I felt comfortable. He was basically my first real boyfriend and I don't know how to handle this stuff of implied rules you wrote about. Although I did felt a little weird returning his things after such a long time but I thought it was more important what God thought of me than what people thought about me.
I also tried to describe the relationship and the way he was just to establish that first of all he was a good friend because we laughed, had a lot of things in common and talked about everything and he listened, among other things. But as a boyfriend and when I expected him to respect the commitment he had with me he was a C-.
Haven't you ever met a person who everyone thinks is a great friend and such a "great catch" and then that person ends up doing things to their partner nobody believes? That was my case. He changed from the night to the day. He changed suddenly. I had to leave him and eventhough it sounds clear to you now at the time I was confused and didn't understand the things that I described.
When time passed and I analized everything and read books and online help forums about dysfunctional relationships I understood most things in mine where dysfucntional. And then and only then started healing slowly. Now I understand the creep he was clearly but I don't want him dead as I used to. I feel he owes me nothing.
Please don't confuse my description of events as resentment. When you say you are a christian is means you are trying to be a better person. It doesn't necessarily mean you are already there.
And when it comes to the part of being at peace with him it has to do with my personal beliefs and I don't pretend nobody to understand it if they have not had that experience with Jesus.
Thanks for your time and help.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 August 2009):
Just send him a polite email saying that you appreciate him saying thank you for returning your stuff but you have no wish to be friends again.
Tell him you don't hold any grudges but you don't think you can handle being friends with an ex.
Tell him to have a nice life and good bye!
He'll reply saying bye back, and then after that if he contacts you again just ignore them. You have said where you stand. You don't HAVE to tell him anything so just ignore his emails.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 Why on earth did you ever reply to anything he sent in the first place? why would you keep his stuff for two years, and then send it back and NOT expect him to contact you?
AFTER 2 YEARS? WHY?
You talk about not holding grudges and being "christian" yet in the very next paragraph you run him down as if you never had a choice in all of your life. Why would you send the things back to someone who had such a horrible influence on your life? Your rationale leaves much to be desired. You say he was a bad influence on you, yet he is a good friend? and a Good friend that you want to leave you alone?
You should have never sent anything back to him. After two years, its generally accepted that those things are inretrievable. You cant send him his things and then tell him to leave you alone and expect to be friendly with him or him not think that you hate him! That is simply impossible. May I add that part of growing as an adult is accepting responsibility for our own actions...thats what being an adult is all about.
You sent him his things back after all this time knowing from his past with you that drama would ensue, yet you did it anyway. So your only option is to completely cut him off. You will have to make the silence deafening, because you can't have this both ways, which is exactly what you are hoping to get.
Your Quote here:....
"He knows I don't like to keep in touch with exes or remain friends with them because it makes no sense. If you knew a person intimately as a partner and it wasn't a great experience Why would you want that person to be your friend knowing the way he truly is?"
Then what did you hope to accomplish? You answered your own question!
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