A
female
age
41-50,
*aria13
writes:Ok so here's the situation! I've been with my man going on three years and 2 months! It's been a heck of roller coaster I'll tell you this! Although I should have seen all the signs and signals to leave him in the beginning but being in "love" and convincing myself I needed him and loved him was the only thing that made me stay! He was in a common law relationship prior to us getting together to which he claimed him and his "ex" weren't together for a long time! They had 2 children together at the time! Anyways I got into the picture after a time when I was emotionally vulnerable or just needed a person to numb my pain from a break up already! But anyways we started to see each other and everything was great! We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we fell in love faster then we thought! I took care of him and he took care of me ! Months went by then his ex started getting in the picture , harassing me and telling me that he was bothering her and saying he missed his kids ! I questioned him on that and he told me that he wasn't trying to be with her but only talked to her to try and see his kids ! I actually told him if that's the case then I don't want to be in the middle of this situation and that we needed to cut ties then and there cause I ain't no home wrecker to do that stuff! And that he should just go back to her for the kids sake! He cried and said he loved me too much to let me go and that he found his true love why would I just do that to him! That there's a reason he left his ex and that there's a reason he found me ! He made up a pretty believable story and I felt sorry for him so I tried to help him! I told him I understood that he wanted to see his kids but also that I knew he would be have to communicate with his ex to do it ! We're all adults here let's figure something out ! I gave him a chance! I'd stick with him on the days he'd be lonely for them and couldn't see them and I noticed it ! But I continued to help him ! Our relationship was good ! But in that time his ex kept harassing me and saying he was doing this and even said that they had slept together a couple times when I'd be at work he'd sneak over there on his lunch breaks ! I confronted him on it and he denied it saying that all she wanted to do was wreck out relationship cause she was jealous that's all!! I believed him again! Thought she was a crazy person from the awful things she said to me , even called down my children ! But anyways our relationship was so awesome he'd help me with my son and was a father figure to him ! I had fallen unconditionally in love with him! Almost a year had passed and we had fell into a rut, we ended up breaking up because his ex was interfering too much and was at a point where she was becoming suicidal! So he had to help her and be there for his kids ! They ended up being together for about 3 weeks , in that time I had cut off all communication from him and didn't respond to texts or even talked to his family ! I was upset and lonely but just learnt to deal with it and try move on. I accepted the fact that he went back to his family and forgot me! I was doing great until he got a hold of me one day and made small talk with me ! I have to be honest I was ecstatic to talk to him but also very cautious as I told him he shouldn't be doing this if he with his wife again! As much as I still loved him I kept the convo short and that was it! I didn't lead him on or anything ! Even though he said he wasn't with her anymore I still didn't want to talk or have anymore connexion! Weeks passed and I was invited to a volleyball tournament in the area where his family lived! Me being still on good terms with them I said yes to playing on their team but also told them that I didn't want to go if they're brother was there ! They assured me he wasn't going to be anywhere bear there because he was working ! Weekend went well we ended up winning the vball tourney and had a bonfire and drinks afterwards !! Well I ended up getting tipsy at the place we were at and guess who shows up? Yeah well you know the rest! We ended up back together and felt more in "love" more then anything ! The next day he wouldn't let me leave he made me feel so wanted and needed and begged me to stay with him ! I reluctantly disagreed to him doing anymore with me because it was all out of comfort and habit that we ended up together and forgot why we broke up in the first place because I knew he'd always go back to his ex! He told me that he wasn't with her anymore ! But I just told him that don't matter I ain't gonna be the other woman again! He cried for me and told me he thought he could live without me but he couldn't and that going back to his ex was a big mistake ! I told him I didn't wanna hear it because she's a person too and she has feelings too so I don't wanna hear it and there's always two sides to a story! He assured me that he was done with her and that spending those two weeks with her made him realize that he couldn't go back and that he was thinking of me the whole time ! Soooo what happens after that , I caved and gave into him !! We started a new fresh relationship and talked everything out beforehand !! It was good again I was happy and he was happy and we were so in love again like before but more open with eachother it felt like paradise and like I had found the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life !! Well that being said I had spoke too soon again, about a month after we were back in our bliss his ex gets a hold of me again! This time to tell me she's pregnant !!! With his kid!! I ask him about it and he said oh that's the reason I left her because she said she was pregnant but that it wasn't mine ! I looked at him and thought who does he think I am ? Just a run to person or rebound because his ex pretty much dumped him and told him that just cause they fought And she said that to hurt him? I looked at him and told him wow so just cause you were hurt that your ex did those things to you , you thought you could just use me to take your mind off it and use me as a rebound ?? I told him no way get out of my life !!! So we fought again and of course we broke up! He ended up going back to his family 4 hours away and I stayed in my area! 4 months had past and I was doing great !! I just kept busy with my kids and job and making a new life for myself even went on a couple dates ! I started to get sick and have breathing problems and chest pains and my doctor told me to change my birth control so I did! Well one night me and my buddies went out to a bar ! I wasn't drinking but volunteered to be a DD !! Went to a bar and guess whose there ?? Omg I freaked out!! I literally almost ^^^^ed myself because I though why the hell would he be out this way? So anyways we avoided eachother the whole night. Finally at closing my friends were so drunk that I had to help them out if the club and one was even trying to fight lol so I was baby sitting and come to find one of my friends hooked up with his friend and it turned out he wasn't drinking as I wasn't either lol we ended up talking and exchanging numbers again that night to just be friends !! Although I was secretly still in shock I felt kind of worried !! As we text I come to find out that he wasn't seeing his ex and that he was single that whole time we were apart! Our texts eventually turned into phone calls then dates and by 2 months later we were seeing eachother again but I didn't want to be serious as I thought I would be! We ended up sleeping with each other again one night and continued to do so after that ! He was even staying at my place most of the time ! Month later I find out I'm expecting !! I was so distraught and scared and didn't want to believe it! I was taking my new birth control but wasn't consistent because of how confusing it was ! There was no way I could be pregnant in the unstable situation I was in and no real commitment !! I was so upset and disappointed in myself !! I had to tell him but how?? He was already supposedly expecting from his ex already not he said it wasn't his ! But she claimed it was and after calculating the time they were together it seemed to add up! I was all ready to terminate this pregnancy although I did not believe in it I did not want to out my child through an unstable relationship with the father ! He ended up talking me out of it ! Months passed and his ex had her baby , turned out she was telling the truth and that he was the father as the child looked exactly like him ! I was so humiliated and thought to myself why did I get myself into this situation now I'm really stuck! Well we ended up staying together and finding a home for us and of course going thorough harassment all over again and his ex telling me stuff that he says to her and that they'd meet once in awhile ! Nothing I didn't hear before but just wanted to have a stress free healthy pregnancy so I just "ignored" everything! We were happy but I always had doubts and worries with him! I ended up having my baby girl and I was ecstatic and he was as well! We were happy but I always had a feeling of worry but just tried to be happy! Well things ended up getting worse ! We fought constantly , I went through the baby blues so bad and I picked a fight with him constantly thinking he was still messaging her to be with her !! I ended up pushing him away !!then come to find out I got pregnant again only 2 months after after my daughter !! Omg !!!! My daughter was eleven months when we broke up , I told him I didn't care what he did and who he was with (although I did and only said that out of anger) well turned out he ended up sleeping with this girl one night when they were both drunk I was already 8 months pregnant by that time again and I was hurt beyond anything !! I ended up having my son a month Early due to stress!! He came back into our lives but I still don't trust him!! I feel angry at him all the time and I feel hurt but I still have feelings for him! Just the other day I caught still texting the woman he slept with and he said he was only doing it for emotional support that he doesn't know what's going on with me and him now?? That I don't love him anymore and that I changed !! He says he wants to be a family bit that he's scared of what will happen but that he doesn't want to lose out on his kids ! He still loves me but we'd have to take it slow to be the same again! I feel te exact same way and I am scared but I do still love him but I think it's over because of all the trust I lost from him! And also what I did and said for him to do those things !! So my question is what do I do??? I want him to help me with my children, who are now 3 weeks old, 1 year old and 5 years (from previous marriage) and I do need his help but I'm so scared ! He says he might still text this woman but I told him if he's gonna do that then I em don't want him in my life !! I'm so hurt and lonely for him that I would take him back , but the that also means I'm desperate trying to hold onto a man who has started to move on ! I'm so confused and feeling depressed again ! Help please help what can I do or who can I talk to about this?? We have kids , how do we go in with this without having feelings and not doing stuff or having sex !! Please :,(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 You are in your 30s and now tied to a man who is not a good partner, provider or father.
It's time that someone takes the brave step of being the advocate for the children and as you are their mother, that will fall on you.
Go to the website of the province you live in and find the resources that will help you cope financially.
For example, in Ontario, this one: http://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/divorce/support/default.asp
You could also ask your obstetrician/gynecologist for help in getting a referral, or your children's pediatrician.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 There's no hint of a positive outcome in this situation in fact the gamble involves piuting children "at risk" ergo the safeest avenue I can see is to seek a permanent break from all this confusion and look for some path other than reuniniting with this guy. I wish you all the best but you MUST place the kids ahead of any vauge feelings you may have here. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): I honestly do not know where to begin.You had not 1 but 2 children with a man who cheats on you and has dodgy relations with the mother of his other 2 children?He is not a good partner for you.Forget your feelings, they don't matter anymore. You need to start thinking about the children's well being. They need a mother who is strong and not causing drama / fighting / playing games with a man. That is not a good environment for children AT ALL.You have made some terrible, terrible decisions so far. But you need to get it together and start acting responsibly. You have 3 children dependent on you. So you need to be stress free for them.That means no sex and no romantic links with this guy at all. Either take the children to his house when he sees them or you have supervised visits when he comes to your house. Ie. have your friend there to make sure that the discussion does not get flirty and he doesn't try to get sexual, until you are strong enough to say no.I really hope for the sake of the 3 lives you've created that you get your act together. They really do not deserve to be part of this mess. They did not ask for this and you have to do right by them.So what if you love him? Tough. Let him go.He's proved to be an irresponsible man with 6 children (can he even afford to look after all of them financially) that he is not looking after and the women do everything.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 December 2013):
 Your's is a gut-wrenching story..... A man who is exquisite at playing you... and you craving to "make" him your man and have a REAL "family."
Unfortunately, while YOU are participating in HIS charade; he isn't even paying lip service to your's....
First thing: STOP having sex together. THAT is not the mortar that holds together a REAL relationship. It is more the duct tape that is used to attach the bumper to your car so that it won't drag on the highway....
Then.... seek advice and counselling from someone nearby.... a clergyman... a therapist... a psychiatrist.. and get a hold upon YOURSELF... and "who you are"... AND "who you WANT TO BE". I'm guessing that - when you plow through this tragic story you've posted - that you can read it and say to yourself: "Damn... I've made a handful of bad decisions... ESPECIALLY as they apply to this guy... and I'll be well to excise him from my life."
THAT will be "the beginning" of the "new" you... rather as if you will finally be starting "with a clean sheet of paper" to describe yourself, and PREscribe for yourself a roadmap to a MUCH BETTER future. (I assure you.. you CAN make things a darn-site better than they are!!!!!)...
I hope you will get lots of (other) good advice on this site... and that you will sincerely read and follow that advice... AND that, six months from now, you can post a follow-up that says: "WOW, things are 'way better for me now... and it wasn't all that difficult to make them so."
Good luck, and God bless.....
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