A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend keeps trying to push his children on me. I do not like children and have chosen not to have any of my own. He contacted me through a personal ad on the internet that stated how I feel about kids, so there was no surprises, he knew before he even met me. On our first date I reminded him again and let him know I will not play mommy to his kids. We agreed our relationship would be just us and I would have very little or no contact with his kids. I told him I have no problem if he needs to break a date or change plans because of his kids, they should and will always come first. I just get tired of him saying we can take them places and bring them along when we have plans. He just started getting bad about it in the last 3 weeks or so. I'm running out of excuses to leave them OUT of our relationship (that we already agreed on) and I don't want to come right out and tell him again that I don't want to take his kids to dinner and a movie with us. He told me our relationship was something he had to do to make himself happy, that it had nothing to do with anyone else, even his kids. Now he wants me to be mommy.He says he loves me more than anything but then he can't respect my boundries with children. I know what most of you will say but he already KNEW everything up front and told me it would be no problem. I never hid anything or lied, so if you're going to reply with "you're selfish" or "you have to take the whole package" please don't waste both of our time. I am not being selfish because he already knew I don't like children and I don't have to accept the "whole package" because we already talked about it. What it comes down to is he lied to me and can't accept that I don't want his kids. So should I cut my losses or try to get him to act the way he did when we first got together?
View related questions:
the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): I am in the same situation...My boyfriend of 2 years has 3 children. They live in another state with their mom. It's always been just he & I. With his job, he hardly gets to see the kids...his choice.
But now, dear old mommy has gotten into a bit of trouble and he doesn't think the kids should live with her anymore. He is suing for custody. Ugh! My son is grown...I don't want his kids full time. But he says I am a good role model and he wants them to live with us. I don't even know these kids! We have gotten into some heated discussions about this. I don't want to say them or me...it will be them. But I want to get to know them first...I don't want them as instant family. But he says it would be a waste of money for us to have 2 separate places to live. True, but this is my home...I don't want him to leave...but I don't want them here. It's a tough decision.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (8 December 2008):
 If you are so entrenched in your views about children, then what in heaven's name are you doing getting in between a man and his kids? They won't be leaving his side any time soon.
You chose this situation - no one put a gun to your head. But there is hope... you can always make another choice. There are many other men in this world who have just as much antipathy towards little brats as you do.
As you have shown an irrational defensiveness in your post before even hearing our counsel it's unlikely you'll be able to see beyond your perspective. Rationalize and justify all you want... you made choices and these are the consequences.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Yes you told him, but you should have made it clearer. It is impossible for a man with children to separate himself and leave them at home. They are more than part of a package, they are part of him, they are made up of his DNA, his sperm, they are like his right hand. If you don't like kids, you should never have considered him as a partner to date. He was being stupid when he thought he could leave them behind. Dump this guy, he's a father and his kids are as important to him as his heart, and definitely more important to him than you could ever be. Next time, don't just state you don't like kids, avoid any man that has them, and then you won't be in a situation like this ever again. Actions speak louder than words, if you don't like kids, don't date men that have them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): if you dont like his kids then this relationship is going no where, just end it. goodness dont bring him along for play,. either accept it or leave itt
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Dear Poster
This might not be what you want to hear, but you need to forget about this guy. To me there is already red lights flashing as you don't seem to be compatible. Secondly, his children will always be part of his life. You cannot wipe them away as if they don't exist.
I can understand your feelings and can also see what he is trying to do, slowly but surely bringing them in making them part of your lives. I think it is wrong as he knew your feelings from the start and he should have know better and respected your wishes.
You cannot expect him to give up his children, he was deceiving you to make you believe that you could have a life where the kids did not feature. I am sorry, red lights...are flashing; as you suggested, cut your losses and move forward. It will be difficult, but this is not a problem that will get better, in fact it will get worse. He will want the kids the be gradually more and more part of your life and your activities, hoping you will get use to it and get fond of them. Don't delay your pain and agony, do what you know what is best for you and your future.
This will be tough, but if that is your choice, good luck.
Keep smiling.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): well if he knew about it from the beginning then he shoud respect that, but maybe hes hoping that you can all get along. have you met his kids before? maybe they're not all that.
how about just meeting up with them for half an hour/ hour to get to know them? you dont even have to play their mommy - you could just try being their friend or be something like a big sis?!
if you really dont like kids and/or this isnt what you want then its probably best to cut your losses and find someone more suitable.
no matter what happens i hope things work out for you.
good luck xx
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (7 December 2008):
 I agree, I think you would suit someone that hasn't and doesnt want them either. Atleast you have been honest. We cant all like kids! My dads late wife wasn't all that maternal. But she did quite well with us ive gotta admit, and I always had a lot of respect for her.
C xxxxx
...............................
|
