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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hiya,I've been reading about other people's experiences and hope someone has a few ideas for me. My girlfriend of 3 years went travelling last September for a year and we decided we'd try and stay together but neither of us realised how hard it would be (she was in a lot of remote places so email and phoning was tough). We spoke about 6 weeks ago and decided it was for the best that we broke up but while I think we both feel that we made the wrong choice breaking up, I'm not 100% sure how she feels.I've decided that she's the girl that I'd love to spend the rest of my life with (and I hope to still be able to ask her to marry me when she gets back, or before if I can save up the money to go and meet her somewhere), so waiting another 6 to 9 months is nothing but she keeps telling me not to put my life on hold for her. What is she trying to tell me? I think she was being totally honest with me when she said that she'd gone on a date and it didn't feel right and I understood what she meant as I'd done the same. I think that when we broke up we both thought that it meant we absolutely had to move on but I think that neither of us were ready to or actually wanted to. Recently, I've told her how much I still love her and that I am willing to wait for her but she still says that it's not fair for me to do that. I'm scared that if I keep pushing for her to commit to me that it might actually push her further away so needless to say I'm very confused, and any help or ideas what I should do will be great!Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys who answered.... I would love to hear any more views people have. It makes sense what you say but I wonder what might happen if I take the gamble the other way around.... I was going to ask her to marry me about a year ago (and had even picked the ring I wanted to buy her) which was just before she announced that she really wanted to go away. It wasn't a total surprise as she'd always spoken to me about other places she wanted to go and I'd always said that she should do it before it's too late (eg, before she had kids) and I thought that by me asking her then, I might cloud her dreams and she might make a decision she'd regret.... the thing I regret now is that I never gave her that choice. I'm seriously thinking of giving her that choice now and take the plunge to do what I really should have done then as I don't want to regret never asking her. I don't want to be with anyone else and I think I need to find out for sure whether deep down she loves me or not. If she says yes, I'll be the happiest man on the planet. If she says no, I'll probably be miserable for quite a while and then start to realise that I tried, failed and then I'll be able to move on with my life. Will I ever be able to live with myself if I never ask her?One of our mutual friends is coming round on Friday to talk about it and she's a great source of advice. She probably knows more about how my ex feels about me than anyone else. Are there any questions I should ask her?Thank you once again.
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (18 December 2006):
 Hiya
Im sorry u have to go thru a terrible break-up but this is actually normal, you love her too much to just let her go but u have doubts with her willingness to go along with this break. Let me give u few scenarios lets say she says its unfair for u bcos she is no longer sure about ur future together, it can be she wanted a break bcos she cant really trust u on the other side and feels that if u guys are meant to be together ur hearts will find each other some day so she made peace with it which means that’s the reason why she is so calm with all this, lets say she loves u too much but cant really trust herself if she will be faithful to you on the other side and before she hurt you she feels its better for you to move on, see there are so many scenarios we can come with but the truth is without getting any reassurance from her u will never be too sure of what to do to rekindle this relationship. Relationship is for two people which means the two of them need to make it work, but in this situation u seem to be the only one who is hoping for the best.
In your eyes, heart and mind she is the one but are u the one for her? Distance relationships are very difficult to fathom so trust is very important and u guys have lost it already, there are so many conflicts of hearts already, u accepted defeat when u decided to go out with other people although it didn’t work. I think it will be good for both of u to come up with another solution that can work for both of u, maybe try an open relationship considering that if she comes back u will either continue ur relationship or call it quits depending on the situation. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Kiama +, writes (18 December 2006):
hello, my brother was in the exact situation as you. When his girl went traveling they tried to stay together. She even suggested he join her. But then a few weeks later ended it. He was devastated, and i was seriously worried about him as he wears his heart on his sleeve and is not a strog person. I feared he would do something stupid he was so so broken. However 6 months on, and he cannot believe he was ever with her. Time does strange things. And people change. Youre hung up about this, but you must realise, that there is a chance she comes back, decides she loves you, and you actually turn her down. You do need to move on, and deal with the situation when shes back. Its easier for her cos shes travelling, seeing new places, meeting new people - her minds busy, active. I dont want to sound harsh, but she will be thinking less of this because shes doing so much. You need to find something to do, take up a new hobbie, get out more. If its meant to be it will, but while your miles apart, nothing can be done. Id give her the silent treatment, be cool, and if you text her, do so as a friend. you will push her away otherwise. If you remain friends theres a chance that friendship can blossom when she returns. Then again its hard to act like a friend when you love someone, and breaking all ties is best. 6-9 months is a long time, and im almost sure your feelings for her will be very different then. Move on, lifes too short, and keep smiling. All the best. x
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