A
female
age
41-50,
*ot My Name
writes:I'll apologize for the length up front coz I know what a yap yap I can be and expect this will be long lol, so dont read it if too long for ya, but dont complain if ya do coz U have been warned ..lolBefore we got together, he knew I wanted another child, ... and I knew he had a vasectomy. We both went in to it tho thinking we'd probably have fun, shag for a while, and move on. As it turned out, we fell for each other big time and can't bear the thought of being apart. So now his snip job has become an issue. BTW - we've looked in to it and it is not the easily reversable type and due to the length of time since he had it would not be likely to be successful if he could reverse it anyway.Basically, knowing I wanted another child (I have a 2 year old) he is feeling so bad about it, that he rang me from work early last week, extremely upset, feeling like he is hindering my life and is useless to me. In short, he said he would love me till the day he dies, but that he felt he should cut me loose to give me a chance at finding another partner who I could have a child with before it was too late to be an option. (I don't doubt it plays on his mind at times, but I think it was provoked to the fore because I have had 2 (fertile) ex's pursuing me in the last fortnight - he mentioned them as potential fathers during this anyway)I explained to him, that yes, I want another child, but wanting something does not mean that I can't be happy without getting it, and that at least I had one child so was not missing out on the whole motherhood thing. I also explained that him walking out on me was not a guarantee that I even would have another child, coz I would not want to have a child to some random guy, I had been there done the scene with the ex's and was not interested in going back to either of them, and who says I would even get in to a serious relationship in the next few years where that might be an option anyway. It ended with me saying I did not want him to leave me over this but that I would leave him alone for the rest of the day to think about what he felt he needed to do. (It would rip my heart out big time, but if he is getting hurt over this I love him enough to let him go if that is what he needs to do to not feel like shit. I'd rather find a way to solve it tho) By the time he knocked off work tho, he rang and said he still thinks he should, but just could not bring himself to walk away from me and now felt selfish for his decision. He tempered feeling selfish by telling me that tho he does not want me to, that if I met anyone else, although he would be hurt, he has no right to tell me waht to do and that he would not stand in my way of spending time with them and seeing how things went. The next couple of days I could tell he had a bit of a wall up, ... he usually treats me like a princess, but he wasn't swooping in the door hugging and kissing me straight away, stopped stroking my hair and face as he normaly does, stopped telling me I was beautiful, and started calling me by my name instead of my angel, honey, etc. I know he is doing this to try to distance himself from being so hurt.I decided I would use a psychological tactic and just smash that little wall of his back down. I always treat him like a king anyway, but for a couple of days went that little extra, made sure not to bring up anything with a hint of negativity attached (like the actual issue) and was so super awesome, super fun, made him feel super loved and super good about himself, ...and in the process made myself irrisistable to him which of course got the exact reaction I expected. The wall tumbled back down, and he was even more loving and attached to me than usual. Something slipped tho half way through today. In the afternoon we were at the supermarket, ran in to my besty and her hubby, and stopped to chat. He is there looking at me with adoration, deferring to me to constantly in convo, finishing each other sentences and laughing, then announces to them how much he loves me and thinks I am beautiful and that we are so close he feels like we are a married couple. Then a few hours later, boom, he is building a wall again and comes out with, 'if I met you before I had the snip job I would have tried to hold on to you forever'. Obviously the implication of that statement is that, he didn't meet me earlier so is not going to try to hold on to me forever. I know I can break it down again, ... but that is a short term fix, it woont help him feel better in the long term, and I dont want to be going around in circles on this and repeatedly having him drop his guard and let me in, then try to back off again. How can I get it through his head that I really do feel blessed to have my child and can be content without another one? Any idea's, ... or is this just doomed to fail? I could envisage spending the rest of my life with him, but if I can't resolve this and the pain it causes him, I am gunna be haunted by the one that got away for the rest of my life instead.
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female
reader, gurunikki  +, writes (17 January 2010):
i am in the exact situation you are. What i think you need to do is sit down and be absolutely honest with him and tell him that spending the rest of your life happily in love with him is more important to you than having another child, i think that him feeling the way he is, is because he is wracked with guilt that he had the snip and feels he cant give you what you want. sit him down and explain that this is not the case. If this doesnt work then i suggest that you suggest counselling, however i hope having a frank conversation with him will do the trick. I wish you all the luck in the world. let me know how it goes.
nikki
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