A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts,I'm in a situation where I really don't understand my own feelings, and I don't think that's ever happened to me before.There's this guy I'm crazy about, when we're together I feel in love, we have great conversations, the same sense of humour and the sex is great (we just click) and somehow I trust him with all my heart (although that feeling might not be based on rational thoughts). I lost my virginity to him a couple months ago, when I'm lying in his arms I feel safe and blissful, but I've been holding off a relationship. I really don't know why because I want a relationship, I'm just not sure I want it with him. Something feels off, like we're not supposed to be together.The only thing I can think of that could cause this feeling is that there's something in the way he talks, maybe his choice of words, that make me doubt that we belong together. It's not what he says, it's the way he says it. I really don't understand myself, but I guess my question is: is this nagging feeling a fear of commitment or intuition?
View related questions:
lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 We are of course in the realm of wild guesses, ..but I'd say intuition. You feel something is off, something sounds fake , or is too good to be true, or ,as you say, deep down you know you do not belong to each other, you are not really compatible.
This contrasts with the blissful feelings of peace and safety when you are in his arms... but, honey, those are post - coital endorphines. That's the oxytocine talking, and you will feel the same after ANY successful lovemaking. It's when you feel still blissful and safe out of bed, in every day life, doing normal, mundane things, like shopping for groceries together, that it means it's really working !
Why do I say that ? Simple, I don't believe much in " fear of committment " . Particularly for people who has not been divorced, has not got kids, ... people who DO need to watch their step in making choices. You ? Single, just 19, ... what do you have to commit to ?.. Just to date this guy , and not jump into bed with other guys, - and enjoy yourselves until life takes you along different paths as it so often happens with young loves.
Anyway, regardless of age... I can say that I have never ever met anybody, male or female, that was afraid of committment when they were totally, deeply in love. When you are deeply in love , committment is not a fear, it's a wish, an instinct . In fact, the only fear is that you don't act fast enough to seal the deal, someone else will come along and snatch your prize under your nose.
So, I think that , with very few neurotic exceptions, ... fear of committment does not really exist. It's just another way to say " I am not THAT into you ".
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): The odds that you "belong together" in a long term way may be low. But that's no problem. It sounds like you're in love, growing, learning, getting some support in your life and some great sex. Wonderful! Enjoy it! And in a year when it's faded off, let it go. You'll find it again with someone who can help you grow in a different way, to whatever your next stage is. No rush to cling to someone because you "belong together", and no guilt for not feeling that you "belong together" just because you get along. Let's call it intuition. Fear of commitment makes perfect sense, because it's scary, and may not make sense for you right now. Not all healthy relationships require commitment. So, calm your worries and enjoy your time together!
...............................
|
