A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm afraid of being in relationships. And I'm now at an age where I think I should have gotten past this already. Please bear with me because I'm going to tell you stuff I haven't discussed with anyone, ever.My self esteem has been low from a young age. I was badly bullied throughout most of elementary school and all of high school. I got beat up, my stuff ruined. I had no friends and classmates frequently told me I was ugly and that the world would be better off without me. I got suicidal and my grades suffered. My parents never knew and I never did attempt to kill myself, but I thought about it a lot. I had the feeling my parents were disappointed in me but didn't want to hurt my feelings, so I went through community college first before finally being able to go to an university. The student life was better, I wasn't bullied anymore. But I was a very serious student. I wanted to prove to someone that I could accomplish something. At the moment I finally became comfortable enough to try out the social scene, my parents got ill and my dad lost his job, so I moved back home to help them out. I did get some friends, but I see them once a week to once a month, if that. I don't do well in big groups of people. I don't know what to say, I fidget, I can't dance and I'm very self conscious. Guys who are interested in me make me nervous. 3 years ago I took the plunge and went on a date with a guy who seemed very nice, and almost got sexually assaulted in the process. I was able to tackle him and get away, but I was lucky. I know there should be plenty of good guys out there, but I don't really trust my gut in figuring out who they are anymore.I've been hurt so much in the past the risk of getting hurt seems too big to outweigh the possible positive outcome of getting to know someone romantically. I don't know how to change my thinking on this. I signed up for self defense courses to increase my confidence and it's helping, but I still don't know how to open up my heart basically.Does anyone have any advice? Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 December 2013):
Dear OP,
First of all, I want to tell you that I really admire what you've already done to make your life better. You've accomplished many good things!!
- You were able to survive all the bullying
- You made an effort to improve the grades and you finally got to university
- you helped your family when they needed you
- you made friends
- you were strong enough to escape from a harassment situation
- you are increasing your confidence by doing a self defense course
This all tells me you're a strong person at heart who doesn't run from her problems forever, but tackles them when it's time to do so. I think it's awesome you fought for yourself. You are a fighter, a stand-up kind of person. I got sexually harassed several times and I never fought back, just froze out of shock, didn't move, didn't defend myself, nothing. It's plain luck I got away without being forced into sex. I still only have a limited amount of trust in men - which I think is completely okay! - and I guess I learned to be more cautious without being paranoid. But it's good to not be all naive. Most men are okay or even very nice people, but there IS a substantial amount of jerks. Let's say about 15%. It's good to watch out for those, at least that's the number I'm guessing.
You are not too damaged to learn how to love and trust again. You can heal from this. It takes time and patience, and maybe it would be a good idea to have more support. Could be therapy, could be just a close friend you can trust. Those scars that are left on your heart, they will be there, but there will be a time where it doesn't hurt anymore.
I really feel for you, some of those things remember me of me (as the other OP). Wish you all the best and a lot of energy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): Thank you for poating this question. I have same experience, was bullied since elementary school, got assaulted by guys, and now I have no confidence at all. I am in college now and I have only been in abusive relationships. Even these days people chicken me out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): You sound like a really sweet person and remind me of myself a couple of years ago.
I hope you are proud of yourself for how much you have overcome and accomplished. You've had a lot to deal with but you've still left your comfort zone to pursue your dreams, so well done.
How did you meet the guy you had this awful experience with if I might ask?
I would suggest you don't go on the first few dates along. If a guy asks you out for a date you tell him you can't make it on that day but that you are meeting up with some friends a few days after that and it would be great to if he came. This means you will be relaxed and you will feel safe enough to be yourself with him. When you feel safe enough / confident enough alone with him, you can have lunch dates or activity dates in public where you are completely out in the open.
Hopefully this will give you enough opportunity to weed out the guys that are too pushy from the patient guys.
A great way to meet people is through friends. Let them know you are looking or jokingly ask if there are going to be some eligible young men at your outing and they will recommend someone they can vouch for. This way, the guy won't be some random person who you know nothing about.
So you don't like crowds, that's fine. I'm better in a one on one situation as well. So when I'm out at a gathering or whatever, I talk to individuals rather than groups. Just make your rounds getting to know everyone like this.
Keep up with the self defence classes or whatever else makes you feel good and confident. Predators or nasty men have a raider for vulnerable women. If you have low-self esteem you will attract people who want to dominate, manipulate etc. their partner. So really work on accepting yourself as you are and not being apologetic about your past or about being quiet. Everyone's tastes are different and there will be someone out there who loves the way you are.
Love yourself and have faith in yourself.
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