A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a major problem and I have no idea how to fix this. I am only attracted to older men I can't have. For example, people in authority or married men. I don't express this to them and I end up beating myself up about it. I haven't been in a real relationship because I've only wanted two men, both of them being men I can't have. I know it's wrong and I hate the fact that I feel this way but I don't know how to change this. I want to be in a healthy relationship with someone who is available and it's making me really depressed.I guess my question is, how do I stop this feeling? How can I make myself want someone I can actually have?Thank you all in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the answers.
To be honest, I do have very low self-esteem. I'm the type of person who comes off as confident and has everything together but in reality, I'm the complete opposite. It's something I wish I can change, I just don't know how.
I do mix better with older men, but I sometimes take it to the extreme (unavailable men).
I won't ever get to the point where I get involved with a married man, but I hate the fact that I want them.
It's not that I am afraid of a real relationship. I want that. I want to fall in love, get married, and have kids. I'm not afraid to take the risk, I just want it to be worth it. I think that is why I'm attracted to older men, because I'm ready to settle, and most people my age are not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): As a middle ages woman who is now in love with a man ten years older than me, and a past relationship history that involved giving my all to men who would never be mine, only wish chigirl had been there to give me advice at your age! Go to counselling, maybe you have an older sibling who you have always come second best to, maybe you have low self esteem, ....whatever it is, you should try and sort it out now and save yourself a heap load of heartache. Be kind to yourself x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 March 2013):
You are attracted to taken and unavailable men because by turning to them you never have to take the risk of actually having a real relationship. You're scared of finding a decent, available man who you will love, who you will have a happy relationship with... because you might lose him one day. Perhaps you argue, you break up, perhaps he cheats on you.. You're scared of being heart broken.
And the best way to avoid being let down, avoid heart ache, is to never fall in love with a man who you need to put your trust in, who you will depend on... A married and unavailable man is perfect if you are scared of relationships, because for one you can't ever have a relationship with a married man. At best you have a life long affair. But you always know he isn't yours, so you wont have to worry about him leaving you... And he wont be there for you, so you don't have to worry about him letting you down. No expectations, no hopes for more = no disappointment.
Now, dating an available man is scary. You might fall for him. You might love him. You might want a future with him, marry him, have children with him, buy a home with him. But when you want so much with him... you'll be absolutely devastated if he should leave you, or if it doesn't work out. And that's scary.
But it wont kill you, even if he should leave you. And wouldn't you rather take that risk, and maybe find love and a great relationship, than never even try?
You decide who you fall for. You learn what is attractive to you and what isn't. Right now you might feel money and power and unavailability is attractive, but you can change that when you think about why these things aren't attractive. Think about what you actually want. Then these things will be attractive to you.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (24 March 2013):
Life is like that we want what we cant have it adds to the excitement.Its o k to go for older SINGLE men within reason of the age gap.But you would be hurt very much if you got involved with a married man.So quit while your ahead JUST DONT GO THERE.Hopefully you will meet some nice man in the future You will have to make a firm POSITIVE decision No older married men .Kind Wishes, Nora B.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 Try approaching this in a better way. You mix well with older men which could mean youre more mature than most women your age. Also its not uncommon or weird for ppl to want what they cant have ie women after bieber men after jennifer lopez etc stuff like that. Youre normal. Dont feel depressed or sad or get dramatic about this. Keep mingling n gaining experience socially with ppl. You will connect.
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