A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am hoping that someone can help me. I have noone I can talk to about this, and I'm so depressed I don't know what else to do. First, I am an unhappily married woman. I have only been married a little over a year but together for 6. I also have a 12 yr old child from a former relationship that my hubby treats as his own. Prior to meeting my now husband, I fell deeply in love with whom I consider to be my soulate. We had a relationship of sorts, but never a commitment. Our timing was never right, and he has serious trust/abandoment issues.Fast forward...I have remained "friends" over the years (10+) with my ex- and admittedly we've still been intimate. I never thought I'd be the type to cheat, but when I'm with him- my heart feels whole. It doesn't help that my hubby is emotionless towards me, although I doubt that matters anyway. I have not divorced my husband b/c I cannot destroy my child and his life and take away the only father he has ever known. I have discussed with my "friend" that we would be together one day when my child is older. He agrees.Yesterday, i found out that my "friend" has proposed to his girlfriend. He told me that it is for security, but that we will still be together one day. he says things aren't always so black and white, and that he has his own screwed up reasons for marrying her- even though he loves me. I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking. I cannot tell him not to marry her, while I'm still married, yet I cannot bear to think we are over. He said we are not. I will not see him after he gets married. He has no children with her, and therefore I cannot understand his reasoning. I thought we were are on the same page, but now I dont know anything.Can someone please help me. This is truly the only man I've ever loved. I want a future with him so badly- but if he marries her doesnt that end all chances of it ever happening? I feel like I'm dying inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): If your ex loved you that much, he would have married you instead of another woman. He is using that as an excuse to string you along and you are falling for it. You care more about that man than he does you...even if you guys did get together, he isn't going to treat you any better. Stop being a fool for this guy! Leave your current relationship b/c it's obvious that you don't love him and go seek therapy.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 October 2007):
 The reason I brought up the neglect is, which I know in my area I'm going to try it out in actual court charges with someone when I graduate, if the person is spending inappropriate time with someone other than the husband, they're not taking care of their child emotionally at the time, therefore (that period of time) neglecting the emotional needs of the child, taking part in behavior that can cause further detriment and distress on the child's behalf.
I did go through hell, but I remained faithful. Even though my daughter asked if I was still living because she though my ex killed me in my sleep. I did it because even though my situation was bad, I still couldn't compromise myself and who I am. The last I heard from her was she moved to a different city and got married. yea for us, but I have to feel sorry for the guy who said "I do"
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionangel~ you did not offend me, and I thank you for your replies & opinions. I was referring mostly to rcn's comment about "child neglect", etc....but now after reading your second comment , rcn, I can understand how you feel that way. You obviously went through hell, and for that I'm sorry. I assure you that I do not have BPD nor would I ever hurt my child or intentionally & repeatedly hurt my hubby. I am not a "serial-cheater" and I am not narcissistic.
Based on the replies, let me try to clarify a bit:::
First, tuatara, you do make a valid point about "timing"...and yes- obviously he hasn't chosen to marry me...so therefore maybe we really aren't soulmates. i don't know. i also wonder if everything really IS that simple and black & white...esp. when dealing with humans that have diff. needs & insecurities. This is what I'm here struggling with. This is what hurts me.
My "friend" has raised himself since he was 12yrs old. Mother died. Sister died. Father abandoned him. He has MAJOR trust/security issues that he sees a therapist for 2x a week for years. (rcn, he has also been told that he may have BPD- so I know I bit about that as well and it is VERY hard!!) I have known this man since I was 17 years old. I'm now almost 35. When I say timing was never right, I mean -first we were young and not ready to settle down, then I was...and he wasn't...then I had a child, & he has never wanted children. Still doesn't. Scares the hell out of him (stemming from him raising himself.) Lots more outside problems..but I could write a novel here. Regardless, he started as my friend...I fell in love...then he did...then we'd stop speaking for periods of time- but we always find each other again. We both feel truly connected to each other- I just cant explain it.
Well...during one of our numerous periods of not speaking cause we couldnt get our act together, I met a man who didnt have a problem with the fact I have a child. He is a great man to my son. And in the VERY beginning to me. I loved him- but I doubt I was ever truly in love with him. My friend also ended up getting a GF while I was busy raising my child. I ended up marrying for the wrong reasons. We all make mistakes. I'm working on ending my marriage, as I cannot take his abuse, and do not want to have my child hear us fighting. I might have been willing to work on things if it wasnt so bad here.
In the meantime, my "friend" has now been with this other girl for years. She comes from money. A big family. Has no children. Being with her offers the kind of security (not only financially) of always having someone around. He is looking for a "mother" and he is taking the next logical step after being with someone for a long time. He has called me crying telling me he does love me, and one day I'll understand. He says he knows its not over for us. But he has to do this and work through his issues. I dont know what the hell to think. It's so very complicated. I'm sorry it's so long- but in reality I could type here all day & not tell u everything. Sometimes things arent just about who you love and who won.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): I think he wants to marry her because he wants to be with her. He has chosen her over his fling with you.
You need to realise that if he was your soulmate you would never ever have the type of relationship you two have.
If you have been with him for so long and loved him for so long and if you have such a poor marriage which is how you justify yourself, why have you not left your husband and been available to this other man?
I laugh when the excuse is "timing", come on timing? I thought it was soulmates. This may sound harsh but I don't think you have really thought about what is happening in your life. I also can't see how things are changed for you.
Your married and he is soon to be. He says he loves you, you love him.
Why does it bother you that he is now getting married, after all he said it will all be just the same!??
Think about it. What do you want? Is it that you just don't want him to have someone else?
He did not choose you!
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female
reader, angelblueeyes  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 I did not mean to sound judgemental in what i wrote and for that I'm sorry, i didn't mean to offend you, i was offering advise that i thought was right, i have been down that path before i too cheated on my husband a few years back so i know how that side of things feels.
I think that your only way forward is for you to talk to the friend about how you feel and what it is that you want to do, if your marriage is basically over and he is not a nice man then why stay?
Hope it all works out well for you in the end
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 October 2007):
I don't judge, I've also walked in most people shoes that I have answered. I was with someone who has Border line personality disorder. That's a mixture of just about all abusive and self centered disorder. My ex-wife, cheated on me 7 times, that I caught before I called it quits. She took her cloths, I took the kids. I'm still overcoming major depressive disorder, and have been to point of a suicide level depression. I've been there, done that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok...to the two posters so far...1st, I appreciate you taking the time to answer my question and your opinions- thank you. Buttttt.....I already know that cheating is wrong. I already know I have to tell my husband. I am handling that- as I don't even want to save my marriage. He is an emotionless man who only seems to do well with children and animals. He is verbally abusive, and we've only been intimate a couple times since we've been married. In my defense, I wanted a husband- not a man looking for a roommate or mother. I understand cheating is never right, and I never have before, but you should really never judge unless you walk in someone else's shoes. I have only cheated with this man that I've known long before my hubby and with whom I want to spend my life with. I never intended to start back with him- but sometimes feelings are too strong to be ignored. As for my son...I am a great mother to him- and I assure you he is happy. I never take risky chances that might allow my son to find out my feelings.
What I am really looking for is someone who can answer me and my initial question and give me their take on "the other man", on different reasons for marrying, how I should handle things with him, etc. without feeling the need to lecture about how wrong infidelity is or imposing their moral judgements on me. If anyone else out there has ever been in a similar situation, I'd like to hear that as well. Is there anyone out there that can help me?
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female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (30 October 2007):
I think you really need to talk to your husband & tell him the truth because at present your marriage is a lie,
i believe the other man does not love you else he would not be marrying his g/f, if you really love each other that much why are you not together? staying in a relationship for the sake of children is wrong not only does this make your day to day life miserable it also teaches young children the way to behave and this can affect them later in life.
Why did you marry your husband if you loved this other man?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 October 2007):
You thought you were on the same page. It looks like you're going one direction and he's not in the same playing field as you are. Get married for security. Unless she's extremely wealthy and he's extremely poor, I don't see that being a valid reason. Part of song lyrics explains this fairly well "When playing with fire, you're bound to get burned."
This is a black and white situation. He wanted his cake and eat it too, and you let him. He told you what you wanted to hear and you believed him. Since he asked his bride to merry him, I assume he's been dating her during the period of this affair. As you know, those who cheat are generally not honest people. He lied to his girlfriend, He lied to you. You are living a lie with your husband and your son. You don't want to hurt your son. I don't know too many times where bad choices are made where someone doesn't end up getting hurt. This was your choice to cheat. If you're going to remain married for any period of time, it has to be an honest, upfront marriage. You want to begin feeling better. The first thing you have to do is come clean to your husband. You made the choice, and he being your husband has ABSOLUTE RIGHT to know this had been going on. Then it is HIS choice to decide if you two remain married or if it's not going to be able to be worked out. You owe it to him, and the way to raise and teach your son what's right and wrong, is to take responsibility for your actions.
Just remember this as well, when making your life decisions. I take it your son's biological father is not in his life. That allows at the time of divorce, if it comes down to that, your husband now, if taking care of the child for 24 months, can assume custody, if the judge feels your behavior is not of moral character, and finds he'd do better in your husbands home. Adultery is one area that really lowers your moral standing in court. That's one of those offenses that NO EXCUSE is accepted. Personally I believe parents who cheat and have children should be charged with child neglect, and affliction of emotional distress. But that's just a personal belief.
Take care and do the right thing by your child.
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