A
female
age
,
*ancy Ann
writes:I don't know where to turn. I have been married for 24 years and the relationship has had more struggles than joyful times. The problems range from physical and emotional abuse, my eating disorder 10 years ago, my husband having an affair with another women, and his abusing drugs and alcohol. I am blessed however to have two wonderful children who are my joy in life. I hate to expose my younger son to our bad relationship knowing he needs a strong role model so that he may have a loving and strong relations in his future. Right now as I am typing this message, he is with friends, drinking and other being involved in other activities. When he comes home I know that he will not be able to hold any type of conversation, (I have lost my desire to communicate with him at all now). I know in my heart that this is distroying myself and my children. I feel the life has been drained and find it very diffulcult to pretend to others that everything is OK. What should I do? I feel so very sad about the situation and know that I should be strong and have the courage to make a positive change in my life but don't know where to start.
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female
reader, culeca +, writes (24 July 2007):
 im sorry to hear about ur situation....my mom went through the same thing with two different mean and yes u are right about not wanting to expose ur children to that type of environment...the only thing u can do is to leave him go somewhere where he cannot find u not knowing how old ur children are but in time they will understand ur situation and that it was an unhealthy and non the less possibly a deadly one...i know its easier said than done but if u have to get a restraining order to which he cannot come within a certain number of feet between u and ur children...as for my mother it wasnt easy for her she went for counseling and found the courage to live her life the way she needed and ended up moving to a whole different state...being very young and actually seeing the physical abuse her husbands including my father treat her in such a manner taught me that although u love someone and love hurts it doesnt have to hurt physically mentally or emotionally...when u make this transition if u make it give urself some time to heal before moving on to another relationship...there are men out there that are nonabusive they are hard to find but they do exist...i wish u well and u r in my prayers...hope this helps....
A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (24 July 2007):
 You already made the first step and don't even know it. Most people by nature are not fans of change, and this is especially so in marriage. It amazes me how people stay in a bad relationship even though every fiber in their body is screaming "GET OUT!!!". But you've made a small but important mental step. And that's posting it here. By doing that, you've implied (at least subconsciously) that you know this has to end, if not for you, for the welfare of your children.
So for the details... Where do you start? The first thing you have to do is start developing a strategy to protect yourself and you kids. This means physically, financially, emotionally and every other "ly" you can come up with. You have to ask questions like:
"Can I afford to leave now? If I can't how can I mitigate the risks - because no matter how hard it is financially, I can't spend another day like this." - Talk to an attorney. Consultations are usually free, and most will let you defer payment until everything is settled. In fact, in your case, your husband will likely be responsible for paying your legal fees.
Is he abusive now? Would he pose a threat to you and your kids if you left? If this is the case, then you want to do what you KNOW is best. I wish I could say that restraining orders and the cops were there to help, but with the number of crimes and domestic disputes, restraining orders are usually about as worthless as used toilet paper. This means you will want to find somewhere, or some person you trust, and go lay low if violence is a concern. Distance always helps. I know it's extreme, but your situation is already extreme and stressful now.
Once you start down the road of planning, it is inevitable that you will follow through. But you have to make the first few steps. There are SO many programs and things that are here to protect and assist women in your situation, but it requires a determination on your part to stop letting this person destroy your life.
If it seems hard, just rememeber this. The unknown is scary. But sometimes the "known" is much more dangerous. There is no "roadmap", no "recipe" to follow. You know your limitations and resources, and when you run out, it's up to you to seek new ones. If you make that commitment, you will one day look back on this time, and be so happy that you decided to make a positive change. Be strong, never give up, and do NOT look back.
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