A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just read the things other people have said about being in an age gap relationship and it sounds like there are a few people on this site with some experience who could maybe help me with my dilemma. I'm 27 and my OH is 59. We've been together 6 years and are SO happy together. Only problem is I'm now starting to get quite broody but he doesn't want to bring a child into the world that he won't be there to support or see them grow up. To be honest when we got together I didn't think we would last long enough for this to be an issue but now it is. Only thing is I love him and don't want to give him up. And if I wasn't with him I don't think I would want a baby anyway. So I either stay with him and don't have baby or leave him and try to find someone who would have to be amazing to measure up. Neither of these options appeal so have decided to leave it a few years and see how it goes. Just wondered if anyone else has had the same experience or any advice. Thanks. (Sorry this is so long!!!)
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female
reader, valny  +, writes (18 September 2008):
Hi I lived through exactly this experience, and I'll tell you how it turned out for me.
I decided to "wait and see" and also did not want to give up my great relationship. Well, I did wait and nothing changed. His position certainly did not. He was much older and knew what he did and didn't want, and really was just letting me decide for myself if children were that important to me.
Turns out, they were. But by the time I figured that out, I was too old to have any. And he was not in my life anymore.
So...if you can really say that you would be OK to not have children ever, then stay with this man. If you are not sure, then I would advice you to walk away, even though it is hard, because then you at least have a chance to meet someone your own age who can give you the family you want.
Luckily I have met someone now who is my age, and I can enjoy being with his children from a previous marriage. But it still hurts me to think about what I gave up. Many people in your life can make you happy in a relationship; it's also about what you want from life and how compatible you are with your partner.
Whatever you decide, good luck and I wish you happiness.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): I am 22 and my husband is 56. We have been together for 2 years. I absolutely adore him. 3 weeks ago we had a miscarriagebut are looking forward to trying again. However, he wasn't always very excited about the idea of having another child (he has 2 that are older than me and a 6 year old) to the point where he flat out said no.
The key for me was understanding why he didn't want to have a child and making it a reason to have a child. How could we not? We love each other so much that it just makes sense to have this symbol of our love and attraction for one another that will be here long after we're both gone. A beautiful life that we have created...
I hope this helps in some way
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): How can you leave it longer...he is already 59 and will be more resistant to starting a family the older he gets, and it isn't a good idea now.....
I am currently with a man who is 59 . I am 61, yet he has two young children age 4 and 8. His young wife of 40 died last year after they had their family. He always thought he would go first..yet it happened the other way around...heaven forbid anything should happen to you..BUT if it did....where would that leave him and the children??? Sorry but these thoughts can become a reality...Maggie
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (14 October 2007):
Can you support a baby on your own? If not, you need to make a decision. It makes no sense to stay and become more broody, then break up mad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): Well, you are only in your twenties so you don't have to worry about this just yet - although you are right to find out whether your boyfriend wants to have children, a sensible thing to do before committing yourself to something more serious (I'm assuming he is serious enough about you to be talking marriage by this stage?). Does he have children already? This will usually affect a man's decision. If he has raised a family, then he may not want to go back into all the nappy changing days again. I'll speak to you from the heart about my experience. I was also with an older man (not a gap as wide as yours - but there was 12 years between us), and after being with him for three years and beginning to arrange our wedding, he told me that he had changed his mind about children and didn't want them. I respected his decision but decided not to go on with the wedding and we broke up some months afterwards. It was difficult because I also questioned whether I would meet someone as lovely as him - should I pick him or children? And don't get me wrong, I certainly wasn't (and still aren't) someone who is desperate for kids. But I have never regretted breaking up with him because it is far better to be able to make your own mind up about children than having someone do it for you. You say that you might not want a baby anyway - trust me on one thing, when you are with someone who doesn't want children, their opinions usually rub off on you. It's a slow process but I have seen it happen to myself and others. You have time on your side, so you are lucky, so can afford to think about it for some time before making a rash decision. However, if he really loved you, he would take your feelings into consideration (as you are taking his into consideration) and question whether this is something he should reconsider. He might be 59, but there are lots of older parents around, and, after all, we never know what's round the corner - being young is certainly no guarantee of being there for your offspring. Best of luck X
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