A
female
age
30-35,
*incerely Yours
writes:Help. I waited.. i've been waiting faithfuly since Jan 09. I sent him packages, took good care of our daughter, was nice, honest, affectionate. But then he came home, and he says he's too different to love me anymore. He says the only person he loves is our daughter and I'm heart broken. I did everything right. He's was one of three people deployed who everyone knew had a faithful, loving wife. That's it.. out of hundreds of guys.. only three. I'm incredible crushed.... i knot know what to do.
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male
reader, Razed +, writes (1 March 2012):
I came back from Nam and our problem was very simular. I was diferent from war, She was diferant from the afect others had on Her. The diffrance She had been influenced a lot more and had found someone but wasn't quit sure. I was to quick to argue and not let her know how much it hurt. Well I feel you need to not give up if your heart realy needs him and if your religous talk to your Paster use every way you can to make sure He doesn' just need time to clear the crap out of his head even if he says differant. I can't say how long you can hold out but you two need to realy look back at what was the bond that you had before and if the marriage was truly love or just infatuation. Someone told me something very true and I now can help you. Life is to short not to realy give your union with him as much time as God alows for you both. Be Honest with him and yourself. Take Care, Razed
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Face grabbing, pinning and forced sexual acts, YES that is abuse!
If you want to talk to me offline, just send me a private message. Sometimes helps to talk to someone that is not directly related to the issue.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 June 2010):
 You always hurt the one you love right... they are the only people who accept you as you are...
I do hope with all my heart that this works out.. and you know how I feel, I'd feel safer if you and him lived separately so there would be less chance of this anger hurting you..
You can live separately and still work things out.. poor guy, he'd be a damn fool to divorce you. :)
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (7 June 2010):
Sincerely Yours is verified as being by the original poster of the question That is a good suggestion. I will look into Miamine. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 June 2010):
ah... ok.. I understand now about the abuse and why you stay...
Again.. drink has to stop, and then he needs counselling.. Is there anyway you can contact someone in the military for help. I know the USA usually have military groups for wives and they will help you and will have the same experiences as you.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (7 June 2010):
Sincerely Yours is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCounselling.. I have thought about it. I have an inability to talk to counsellors though. My mom tried putting me in in HS, but he refused to see me after 3 weeks because he knew I couldn't talk to him. And hub would never go for it. He's far too stubborn. I can't change his mind about it, I've tried for other things, like private counselling for him.
The abuse.. if that's what you'd call it, is... I don't know. I would never let him do anything to our daughter, and with my it's just some face grabbing, throwing down on bed, pinning down by wrists, yelling, insulting.. small stuff.. except the forced sexual acts were kinda bad.. I wish I had someone to talk to about it.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (7 June 2010):
Just be careful! You have a child now, so dont want your child involved in any abusive relationship. He is obviously going through a lot of emotions in dealing with his life in the army, but abusive whether drink related or not is not acceptable.
Have you thought about counselling? Would you be able to bring it up in conversation?
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (7 June 2010):
Sincerely Yours is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo divorce here. He's kind of become a little abusive.. But it's mostly when he drinks too much. He says he loves me now.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (10 May 2010):
Sincerely Yours is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPartly why I am in shock is because he needed me and loved me so much while he was there. I wasn't the kind of wife he sheilded from horror stories. He confided in me. Today he discussed who would get what ina divorce. I told him I dontt care if you leave me with nothing. I told him that no matter what he does, I will always wait for him. He started crying and I asked why. He said he feels horrible for doing this to me. I tol him its not his fault he shouldn't feel bad. Staying with me out of guilt will make him snappy and miserable. All of youur insights helped me to handle this. I hope I'm doing iy right. Its hard cuz it breaks my heArt
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): It's good he still can love your daughter.
Do you know if he loves himself? Or at least likes himself...
I can see how you'd be crushed by his feelings towards you, I hope you can see it's not anything you did wrong. He may be unable to feel that kind of love at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (9 May 2010):
Look, the bottom line is there is no guarantees, but his head will be really messed up. And I mean, really messed up. He doesnt know what the hell he wants just now, and Im sure its a case of he needs to learn to know you again, and he will need to learn about trust, honesty and all those necessary things again. Dont give up hope, its still early days! Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (9 May 2010):
Sincerely Yours is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for that little twinge of hope. I will read your post over and over as needed, to help me get through days. I hope he loves me again. He is the one for me.. he's it. Without him, there would only be me. And that's not really good enough.
Thank you a lot. I will write back to you if this happens to me. Then you will have two stories to tell.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (9 May 2010):
Man, these are always difficult things to help with. I dont have any personal experience with this, but know of one person who I worked with that was in the same boat as you.
She was 21, had a newly born son, and her husband had been deployed for an original 6 months, but it went on for 2 years. Eventually he came home and told her that although he loved her, he was no longer in love with her, but he would be there for their son. I know she had been faithful to him, she never went out with friends, never put herself in a situation where she may be wanting to stray or anything like that. Like you, she was absolutely gutted! And thats an understatement!
She did everything she could like send packages, send him photos of their sons birthdays etc, I mean she would have done anything for him, and then this. He went for psych evaluations etc, and all they told her was to be patient.
Its been almost 9 years since then, and they have been back together for almost 7 of those years. It took him a long time to get over what he had seen and for him to readjust to his family. He eventually fell in love with her again and they have in fact had more kids. All I am saying is that although he has said this, just be patient. Be prepared for the worst, but back off, give him some time to readjust and see if things can be rekindled! Dont give up on him! He needs you more than ever now. He has probably seen things that you and I have only read about and so has lost a lot of faith in the human race! There are no guarantees, but if you love him, as I hear you do, time, space and a lot of listening!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): You need to talk to him, remind him of why he fell in love with you in the first place. If there is a reason he isnt in love with you anymore, youve done all you can. Find someone else, keep in touch with your daughter and its his loss. He may simply be too traumatised, its common after troops come back. Give it some time, he may come back to you, and snap out of it. If not, move on, theres someone out there that will appreciate you for who you are.
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A
female
reader, GettingHelp  +, writes (9 May 2010):
This is common and is not something that is your fault.
You cannot image how hard it is to see someone die, to kill for a living. That is what war is. You see the worst horrors ever and you live through it, "protecting" the rights and freedoms of the people you love at home. You see some of the worst things humanity can experience and you come home to your loving wife who has not seen any of it.
You feel tainted by your experiences and a brotherhood so strong is formed with the men you served because you went through indescribable horrors together.
It must be very difficult for your husband to re-intergrate into a society that knows nothing of the horrors he has experienced and he will always feel tainted and different. Men who go to war come back harder, less feeling and shocked despite what they may tell you. He doesn't want to expose you to the horrors he went through and he doesn't want you to be tainted by how he has changed.
War changes men, they come home different people and sometimes they change too much. He loved you very much but war changed him drastically and he will have many things to go through that he may not ever come to terms with or deal with. War changes you. You kill people for a living and you see others die. It is hard, nerve-wracking and traumatising.
I have no idea what to suggest to help you as I don't honestly know.
Reading poetry from men who were soldiers will give you a tiny insight. Wilfred Owens is a good one (I think that's who I mean)
It is hard especially as many men feel like the cannot go through therapy.
I'm sorry that you were so loving and honest and such a patient wonderful woman that was rewarded with this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! War does this to men. I am so so sorry it happened to you.
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