A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm really not sure how to proceed with a girl I've been hanging out with who I am very attracted to. She basically has a boyfriend whom she got back together with at the same time I began seeing her. So initially I was set on dating her and we have shared a kiss with me being the initiator but I couldn't do anymore since, I felt bad and it goes against my morals to break up a relationship.Fast forward 3 months and we have become very close doing a lot of things together, dancing, eating, yoga, walking, movies, as well as expressing love for each other but I know she has a boyfriend and part of me want her to leave him and part of me wants her to be happy with her choices and decisions.However I can't carry on like this as it doesn't seem fair on me, her or her boyfriend and is causing much frustration. She tends to put down her boyfriend in front of me but then they seem normal together, I've met him three times and he is a nice guy who does everything for her.I have a lot more in common including vegetarian diet, spirituality, exercise, views and humour but just can't seem to move the situation in any direction other than feeling like a 2nd boyfriend and this hurts because I value her as a brilliant friend as well. Any advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): You've become attached and the emotional ties will get you into trouble. You are her supplemental boyfriend. You fill in where he is deficient. You deserve better than that. You are honest and fair, and you have a lot to give a woman.It's time to stop playing second-fiddle, and move on. You need to find your own girlfriend. In this instance, you're not supposed to share. She shouldn't be putting down her boyfriend; because it is making comparisons that can be misinterpreted as her argument and appeal for you to step-in. It's her subtle way of asking you to makeup where he falls short. She's only too happy with things as they are. Having her cake and eating it too.You now need to back off, and give those two their necessary space. You also need to withdraw your feelings, which will now take time and effort. You've been unofficially dating, and platonic friendships don't have romantic ties. You're far too involved in her personally life.You're getting yourself in too deep. You'll break your own moral standards. It's only a matter of time. You need to wean yourself off this "friendship," and let it cool off. You're developing a co-dependency, and it's a weak substitute for a romantic relationship. Love-light, you might call it. I think you've gone a little too far for an outsider, and it may be having a negative influence on her relationship.Your time is all centered around her, and she's soaking it up. That means she doesn't expect anything from him, that she can get from you. She strokes your ego by making open comparisons. Not good.Take a little time off. Place your feelings on hold, and keep in touch now and then. Extend your best wishes to them as a couple. That's how real friends behave.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 "Any advice would be appreciated."
How about this one:
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/williamsha106104.html#s8pO7GoZeJFDSwtc.99
From William Shakespeare's Hamlet.
To elaborate, you are in a conflict with your self, because your actions and emotions are not in alignment with your moral compass. Happiness will come from following your compass.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I would walk away now before you get more invested in her and her life. EVEN if she ditched the BF for you, how long do you think it would take before she might start to "talk" to another dude? Could you really trust her?
If her BF is a decent dude, why is she doing this to him? Well, because she thinks she can. She knows you like her more then a friend, but she is "pretending" that that is all you are.. friends. And that is not what you want out of it. You want more.
I'd look elsewhere for a girl to date & hang out with.
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