A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I always manage to get the girl that want the opposite of what I want. I've tried meeting them at places where we have something in common like club or events and half the time they're okay with talking to me and I take them out to dinner and what I thought were dates and the eating get flirtatious with me and talk about sexual thing but then I end up being their sounding board and they pull away as soon as I try to get intimate with them even with making out. I have heard the line I just want to be friends or I guess I gave the wrong impression so many times I want to puke.my guy friends told me I'm too nice and too sensitive and while I'm being creative with my date like having an indoor picnic or climbing a wall, they see those as friendship things and say that I need to buy her flowers or touch her more and show that I'm interested in the beginning. that seemed to work I would touch her hair or the small of her back and take the girl on a date to a nicer restaurant but then after a while, right we were supposed to get intimate, the girls back off. it just seems like they want to be taken on date and be romanced but still keep me in the friend zone. my wallet can't afford super nice days all the time! I had one girl tell me she felt offended I invited her to my place after two weeks because it was too soon. this girl took one small kiss on the lips and told me she didn't want to be so intimate in public because she was taking it slow but she meant excruciatingly slow. she's the one who took two months to come to my house and was still uncomfortable she wouldn't take off her coat and stood in the doorway.when I broke up with her telling her she seemed uninterested, she started crying and said she liked me but she felt like I'd been stringing her along and that she just wanted to date for a year before she felt comfortable getting physical. she asked if there was somebody else or if I was just after sex like she was afraid I wasfinally I got sick of it and decided I would go the friends with benefits route. I amped up the flirting, gently teased and acted hurt that she didn't like me and I didn't spend a bunch of money on her nor do I take her anywhere but my place. it works like a charm, the third time she came over we actually had sex. unfortunately this only lasted 2 month because she was getting more and more clingy and sending me random cute text and telling people we were dating and trying to hang on to me in public. I had to tell her that it was nobody's business what we were doing and she needed to stop acting like we were dating. of course that made me the bad guy somehow. another girl did the same thing and she texted so much the people at work tease me about having a stalker and I had to tell her not to come to my work because it was going to get me in trouble but really I just thought she was annoying. since I never spent money on them and we only came to my place for sex and I brought her home after that, shouldn't it have been obvious?I used to want a relationship and romance but all the girls wanted was to be romance with no sex. now that I've tried sex only, the girls get all crazy and want a relationship. what gives
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 January 2016):
 You don't need to take them on expensive dates. Not all women want you spending your money on them. However if a woman feels like it is to soon to get intimate well then that is their choice. Some people will have sex the first date, others will wait until months until they are ready. No two women are the same.
However it sounds to me like you may not have been looking for a relationship, that you where going on expensive dates in the hope that it would lead to a sexual relationship. It sounds to me like you are the one that has commitment issues. Yes girls can get clingy after having sex because it is emotional for some people and offers a connection to you. If you want just sex from a girl then you need to tell her that, not just assume that it is obvious because you haven't spent your money on her, that is how people get hurt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2016): I have no hard and fast rule just depends on the person how they make me feel.ive waited 3months or 3days to have sex. In my mind the 'only after sex thing is stupid because well duh all guys you date want to have sex with you. That doesn't mean they can be faithful though or be interested in you as a person. I think it is difficult for women especially to keep having sex with someone and not get emotionally attached. I think it's a biological thing and for this reason I think friends with benefits is a bit niaeve. Not all women are going to make you spend a ton of money and wait ages to even go in your house but probably most will want to be sure you call back after if you know what I mean. Maybe think about the types of women you are dating if this keeps happening?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2016): What you do in the beginning of the relationship sets the tone for what the other person expects throughout. When you started off meeting girls through activities where you have something in common and you listen to them and advise them like a friend, that is what they expected in your relationship. When you had activity dates but were not really one on one, that also set the tone for friendship. So when you tried to become physically intimate, or invited her to your home where you were alone together those girls felt frustrated and upset because they felt like you changed the game! Up until then, they felt safe because you made no physical move on them. That is why they pulled away as soon as you tried to get intimate. The same thing happened when you took them on expensive dates and showed polite affection that is what they expected all of the time. Again, they felt you changed the game when you tried to get intimate. A lot of girls like to be treated like ladies, they like to be pampered, they want a listening ear, but they don't want to be pressured for sex. A lot of girls in your age group are mature enough to realize they can't have it both ways but unfortunately the girls you meet are not.I think some part of you still likes the romance and really does care for these girls, see you feel a bit conflicted about friends with benefits because you have a conscience. A conscience you are annoyed with. The girls see his conscience and they play on it and are surprised and offended when you reject the idea of commitment. Some girls simply refused to believe that some men only want sex because they are convinced that deep down inside every man is good and would never hurt them. Having a friends with benefits relationship is ok as long as you both are aware that it is sex only and as long as you are both okay with that. I would suggest that before having sex with a girl, before you even make out, you need to make crystal clear that you are not her boyfriend and that you are not looking to be. You need to set the ground rules and you need to make sure she understands and accepts them. you need to make clear to her then if she finds herself no longer okay with these rules, then she has every right and responsibility to tell you so that you can kindly bow out. she may think you're an asshole, but at least you're an honest asshole. if she accuses you of only being in it for sex, point out to her that that is the point. Don't assumes that she knows she is not supposed to show up at your work and don't assume that she won't text you at an opportune time. What worked for me was when my friends with benefits and I established that we were not even going to look at each other or talk to each other in public unless you absolutely had to. Then we said as little as possible and we did not mention each other to anyone except each other. we only contacted each other if we wanted sex in our case we would send a ? and the other person would respond with a :-) or a :-( if there was no response we went on with our day. other than texting for specific time and place there is no reason for communicating. friends with benefits is a hard thing to keep up because somebody has to want more. I would also advise that you not have more than one girl at a time because that gets too confusing. good luck to you
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 The girl version of this is, "guys only want sex, but if I make them wait they crazily pursue me. Once they have me they lose interest and become lazy."
That's the classic battle of the sexes. I am sure there's someone that doesn't act so extreme. Try to find girls who are not right out of relationships and reacting towards the break up. You can't really make generalizations of all women. There's no magic formula to relationship success. The cliché is true. Just be yourself and go with the flow. Stay clear of people who lay out rigid rules to protect themselves. You date because you have happiness to share. You don't date and them get paranoid about what can go wrong.
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