A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello All~Thank You beforehand for taking the time to view and possibly extend me a bit of advice.I befriended an individual on an online dating site who I had come to trust at the highest level that I had ever trusted. With tour very first conversation and at various times throughout our friendship ((or at least that is what I earnestly thought it to be)), I expressed that one of the primary reasons why had minimal intimate experience was a consequence of my strict upbringing, personal morals and values, and a defense of simply being used and then tossed aside, as I am an attractive woman and since the time of puberty even up to this point countless women and men have actively and aggressively persued or are persuing me. By no means am I arrogant, but invariably I am approached daily and complimented on my looks and manner with which I conduct myself and all in the same breath asked out on a date, for my phone number, if I am married, etc...At anyrate, this combined with my strict upbringing and values and morals, always and continues to leave me asking, "Is it my internal substance that you are interesting in coming to know or is that you just merely want to merely kiss, lick, suck and fuck the physical capsule which resulted in your noticing and attempt to seduce me? With all of this, I have never been nor will ever be an easy lay....No one knows better than me to how to please me, if you get the point..BUT..I am human, and so long for the touch of a special other..AND..it is important to me that whomever I share all of me with is partaking because he is wanting to savour all of me, both inside and out, emotionally and physically.Now with all of this said, the individual whom I befriended indicated that he too maintained the same expectatons and agreed that I should never settle for less. I found much comfort and trust in him. I opened up to him, sharing interpersonal thoughts, wants, desires, etc..experiences with him that I had never sharted with anyone else. This transpired over 6 months. Then with the last week of the sixth month, he commenced phone sex with me. I was initially stunned, but wantingly seduced. Two days later I telephoned him, and he said he couldn't talk because he had company. Later that night we texted and he devasted me and told me that when I called he was in bed with the only woman he ever loved, didn't love me and that it wasn't like he wanted to date me but all he had ever wanted is to fuck me and nothing more.Yes. SCARRED.So tell me, if he was the epitome of my trust with respect to sharing with another so sacred how in God's name will I ever want, long, desire, yearn, stomach, not despise, and permit myself to trust intimately, when he always would tell me "I would never hurt You?" ~He kept his word. He didn't hurt me. HE KILLED ME~
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): I am so very sorry that someone broke your heart. A true heart is a rare commodity in our world. Please remember that you are so very fortunate to even have a heart... that can be broken. So many have allowed the diminished authenticity of others to dumb them down. Make their hearts hardened. Having a huge heart isn't an easy road, but it has bounties. You can feel. You have a conscience.
Sometimes people use others to create mirrors. They play act, creating a dynamic wherein they (because of the interpersonal exchange) can pretend they are whatever they need to believe about themselves. Women and men do this. They use other people to create an idea as it concerns the self. It becomes real through an exchange. Do you understand where I'm headed?
The first thing you need to understand is that it isn't about you.... and then again it is. Let me explain.
You believe you need to find someone who is like you... and when they tell you they are ... you believe them. Sometimes people tell you what you want to hear... because they enjoy receiving the affirmation from you that they are wonderful. You nod your head and affirm them and they enjoy being told they are so much better than everyone else in the world. This feeds their ego. And, at the same time you are blinded by it because you are seeking what they are portraying.
I think of people like this as parrots. Pretty polly looks in the shiny mirror and yearns for the mirror to tell them they are the fairest in the world. This was your girlfriend. She was probably hurt over the other woman she supposedly 'loves' and needed her ego stroked. You are a bounty of feelings... and deep aspirations. You yearn for the real deal. Someone who is authentic inside can fall prey to those who are simply bouncing off the walls trying to find themselves.
She hurt you when you discovered that she was wearing a mask ... and that underneath this mask was someone who was not as she presented herself.
From your point of view, she used you and let you down. From hers, she is most likely doing her thing... trying to find validation.... any place she can get it. She is with a married woman. Her ego takes a hit. There you are. Then there's her married girlfriend... a whole bunch of people who are seeking validation. It becomes a catch 22 of emotional vanity.
Married guys do the same thing with their lovers. Married women do it too...
Everyone selling out those around them just so they can feel better about themselves... instead of doing the hard work inside.
Don't let someone taking off their mask hurt you. Of course, you are dealing with the loss of the idea of her. Let that go. Realize that people walk around with big signs on themselves that say 'love me'. That doesn't mean that they have concern for you, it means that they need to receive it... not necessarily give it.
Reaffirm to yourself that you thank God above you are the real deal. Remember to be more careful about identifying those people who wear masks and yes... you can see beneath their mask... you can. In order to, you must stop yearning and searching... so that you do not fall as fodder for the next love vanity. You can learn to be objective and logical.
Perhaps there is something to be learned in all of this. Maybe your real mate is one who doesn't wear masks. But remember... someone who doesn't wear a mask lets their warts be seen in the light of day. They stumble and are not perfect. The 'perfect' is difficult to find... and your quest for 'perfect' has set you up for failure.
Hang onto your goodness. It is the ultimate prize.
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (30 October 2010):
 I believe you trusted him too much, too easily and too soon. It seems as though your view of other people (and men in particular) is so negative that the moment someone who doesn't instantly objectify you comes along, they gain your complete trust.
I understand how frustrating it can be to feel like the only thing people are interested in getting from you is sex, but the main thing you need to come to terms with is the fact that your outward appearance is all a complete stranger has to judge from. Your personality doesn't factor into initial physical attraction because they don't know you yet. It's definitely insulting to be degraded and valued only for your appearance, especially after someone has gotten to know you, but not everyone will do that. By taking it so personally it only affects you and your outward view of everyone else, while not affecting any of the people that have caused you to have such a negative outlook.
Luckily, you two weren't very involved when you found out what was really going on. Try not to dwell on it or let it consume you, otherwise more issues will arise the next time someone seemingly trustworthy comes along. Distract yourself as much as possible with things you enjoy doing. He did a terrible thing in betraying your trust, but to be completely honest, it's not as serious as it could have been. He led you on with phone sex, but you weren't officially dating and he didn't actually have sex with you, right? I know it's hard, but try not to take it so personally. He's an arse that probably would've done the same thing to anyone else he had an interest in, not just you. Letting it eat away at you isn't hurting him, it's only affecting you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): It might not seem like it now but this guy has done you a favour. Be grateful this didn't go on for longer than 6 months, you know what he's really like now.
You should feel sorry for this other woman who he claims he "loves" he obviously doesn't know what love is if he is so willing to cheat on her.
Do your best to forget this man and just chalk it up to a mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): buyer beware ought to be pinned up on any computer. Looking for love via Internet dating is fraught with danger. If you are such a well brought up lady surely you have a good circle of friends and people you work with, who respect you, who can introduce you to a similarly well brought up respectful man. Not One who never behaves like a sad boorish sexually starved animal. But sadly, for a lady alleging a prim moral upbringing your language ''lick, suck...'' tends to refute your alleged innocence. Get out into the real world, be a real person, have a real life, and courteously and diplomatically deal with a man who does not respect your boundaries. It can be done, and without rude language
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): There is also a male/female difference here that you may not be aware of.
He had an emotional relationship with you but not a physical one. From the thought process of most men, what he did was less harmful to you than if he had physically gotten involved with you without much chit-chat.
It is evolution differences in our brains. The long term survival of men's and women's genes are threated by different things so our minds weigh the importances differently. Men are more threatened by physical betrayal and women are more threatened by emotional betrayal.
I am not defending what he did. Not at all. It sounds pretty cruel to me. I am only saying that even though he knew what he was doing was wrong, he still probably underestimated the damage it would do to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Im sorry to hear about this. This is very sad, immoral, and just flat out heartless of this man to treat such a sweet, beautiful woman like you like this. Lol tell him you know an "internet" saudi who can bench press him and his large amount of stacked bullshit. Im sure he'll run away :)
Now, these days it is hard to tell if a person is being genuine with anyone, particularly with a man talking to a beautiful woman. This is why face to face contact is much more appropriate and can help one distinguish if someone is indeed being real. Anyone can be anyone online and that is why I discourage online dating sites for that single reason usually. Its just too much of a risk so why take it and subject yourself to some asshole like this? Yes, I am questioning your judgment however I understand your intentions with this man and that completely outweighs that as women like you often have nice, rare hearts. I say that kindly to you.
Face to face is better so that you can see nonverbal communication, as that is HUGE when attracting a mate and I have a rather interesting tale on that, a nice tale :)...and u can pm me if u wish to hear it as I find it relevant here. When youre online and establishing that "who is this guy?" thing, face to face and in person is a must!
This is def a big experience for you and the best part is you learned a whole lot!! Forget about the emotion involved cause that will make things difficult and possibly stop u from seeing the important things learned here. Go back, logically analyze why things happened and what you learned, then apply it to ur future. wAllah habibti this is the best way for you as I can see your heart torn to poor shreds, but if u let this guy get you down and dig into u like this, he wins and while he may go on to do the same to another woman, you, yourself, know that because of your strong upbringing and philosophies on life u can overcome what he did cause he was never even like u to begin with! Words, all words, and forget them...I dont take shit to heart until I see action and I advise you do the same cause you built reasonable expectations when you should have requested some follow thru from him so that you know he is indeed being genuine with you. Then, make those expectations. This guy was a serious asshole and I dont slam that down as heavy as my dumbbells usually...but he rightfully deserves the title and you rightfully deserve a wonderful man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Quiet Echo~Thank You so kindly for your valuable advice and support. I do agree with much of what you said, particularly with respect to your analysis of how my strict upbringing might have impacted my confidence and expectations of men. One major DETAIL: While I referred to the individual as MaleN the individual is FEMALE. And, so this contibuted greatly in my trust in her. Equally, she waited until after I informed her that I had fallen in love with her to inform me that she was in love with a married woman but had ended it with that woman. Certainly, that was a red flag, but she assured me that they were no longer involved on that level. AND, on a few occassions subsequent our addressing this matter, I asked her to please inform me if she were to become intimately involved with her again to inform me so that I could exit. Well, as I'm certain you know, she also was deceitful, as she informed me that she had been sleeping with her all along. I am simply beside myself. How is it thatShe always boasted and preached of Self Respect, Respect of Others, Honesty and Trust?
You know, I think it would be easier if I could harbor ill feelings for her as a result of her unveiling, but no matter how hard I try I am only capable of forgiving her and wanting for nothing less than complete and utter happiness. I don't know how not to forget or love her..BUT..I know it best for Me that I accept that Love is not hanging on for an apology.
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A
female
reader, Erinrulz1  +, writes (30 October 2010):
look thats most men 1 day ur going to find a man who doesnt look at u for ur looks or for sexual reasons only because he loves u its hard to find much descent men these days. keep ur head high and forget about that jerk u dont need him u can be a strong women who doesnt need a man so personally i think u should forget about him and move on the right man will come along
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): I am the OP of this question. More traumatic:
HE STILL HAS MY HEART.
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