A
male
age
51-59,
*lperuano
writes:Today is Monday .. saturday we got a big fight with my wife and she took my two children ( 5 and 11 yrs ) to a friend's house, now I dont know what to do, mainly the fight is for always the same,for money, I work she does not, she and my kids just came to the US since september 2008, I dont want to keep living this situation, I found out,like a year ago, she was cheating on me on a online relationship, but I decided to gave her a second chance and we continued, but now I think is time to move on, what I need to do , is this consider home abandoned ?? what about my kids, she does not drive, neither have a car or money ??please help I need this nightmare to finish,,,thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (23 February 2009):
 Ooops ... there goes my initial theory out the window ... LOL
The reason I asked is that I have I know a number of western men who married Asian women, either after meeting them online or in person (through working in their country). To many of these women, the marriage was a meal ticket to a better life (I am not being judgemental here, as I truly believe that pursuing after a better life is human nature). In other words, a marriage of convenience. For both parties. Sometimes, in the worst case scenario, the couple get a divorce and the wife basically takes the husband to the cleaners (especially when children are involved and a certain standard of living involved, and greedy lawyers are recruited by the wife).
But regardless of how you met your wife and reasons for marriage, I have a few comments/suggestions for you.
=Money= It takes time to find work, and of course, skills. Money does wonders to one's self-worth in a capitalist society. Your "fights" may just a manifestation of something more fundamental, like, feeling "independent" (or lack thereof) for some things in her life, or feeling that she has something to contribute to your family and to society.
=Cars= one can always use public transportation, or bicycle (or both) to and from work. Tedious and cumbersome, may even not be applicable if you lived in a rural area.
=Pride= if she does not have professional skills, or there are work permit challenges (as a foreigner, unless she has a green card already? in working in certain professional field (medicine, technical, management, etc etc) she might have to swallow her pride and accept menial jobs or jobs she was overqualitifed to do.
=Online affair= there remains one question to be answered: why? Were you frequently away from her, physically and emotionally? 2001-2008 (7 years) is a long time to be away from your family. Is this something that could be - presently - rectified with clear, frequent and communication with cool head and open mind? There could be many reasons why she had an online affair, and you need to discuss this with her. You may not like her honest answer though.
I have only one online friend whom I met "serendipitously" in a chat room. He is married with two teenage children. When we started chatting a year ago, we both realized that we were looking for something that was lacking in our lives. He from his sexual intimacy with his wife, I was pretty much living too much as a workaholic at the time (hence no social life). We are still friends, and still chat, but his wife also knows that we just chat as friends now (talking about his children, his silly fights - followed by his even sillier ways to make up to his wife - etc etc). I have cut down on my work now, so I chat less frequently with him as I socialize more in real life.
If you wanted a divorce, I hope you did not do it based on a retaliation against what she did to you, instead of a "simple" falling out of love or "irreconcilable differences". Remember, she gave you two children that you love. Yes, you still have responsibility toward your children. She may also gave up a lot when she left her country to be with you. I hear (and witnessed) that divorces still impact young children, however amicable the divorce was.
Some couple chose to stay together - and be civilised to each other - for the sake of the children to continue to have stability in their life. And only split up after the children are safely in college.
If you are going to have a divorce, perhaps you should do your own research for a divorce lawyer with integrity before hiring one. That way, you can use one lawyer who would be fair for both of you, and will ensure that the children will be well cared for, both financially as well as ensuring their wellbeing by having equal quantity and quality time / access / with both parents.
Whichever decision you make, or path that you would like to take, I guarantee you that it would not be a "quick fix" to your current problem. So, cliche as it may sound, communication is still a valid key :-)
Good luck, and all the best to you. And to your family.
Cat
A
male
reader, elperuano +, writes (23 February 2009):
elperuano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cat : I met my wife in Peru in 1994 and we got married on 1997 then I moved to US in 2001 and she just followed me with my kids on september 2008
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (23 February 2009):
Where did you meet your wife? Is she not from the US? Was she living in her home country (that would be where?) before coming to the US?
I think I have an idea on a certain "theory", and would like to put my two cents worth of thoughts on this, but a little bit more information as I put in the above questions would be useful.
Cat
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