A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone my sister is 31 and unable to have children without ivf Soon she will be trying with ivf but the doctors say there is a very small chance of it working as she has lots of problems in her reproductive area.We have known this for many years but over time it has got worse.I am 22 and engaged to my partner of 2 years, I have always told my sister that if she is totally unable to get pregnant herself I would carry the baby for her. but obviously it would be her egg and her husbands sperm I would just be carrying the baby for her and going through the pregnancy. We are the only sisters in my family so I am her only hope I love her so much and if I can help her I will.But there's a problem my fiancé says if I do this he will not be happy as he wants my first experience of pregnancy to be with him and it be our baby. I do understand where he is coming from but me and him do not want to have children for at least 8-10 years as we are still young and want to enjoy life and fulfill our life ambitions aswell as save money before we have children. He also says he may not be attracted to me if I get stretch marks and it wasn't for our creation!So if I do end up needing to help my sis I do not want to tell her to wait 10 years and see me have babies first.I would do anything or my sis and my fiancé any advice appreciated thanks for your tome guys.X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): im in the same boat on this ! i would love to give my sister a baby i have one of my own and we are waiting for the time to be right to have another. now my sister has 3 children to some 3 may be anothe but she is pineing and willing to pay out up to 20 grand to have another child . but i want to save her money and help her not just for her to be happy but for me to see her happy and give her something she wishes for i have not told her any of this as yet but each time i said to her ill do it she laughed i dont want her money i just want to see her happy and to bring a child in to this world knowing it would have great parents ,.. but having only one of my own i dont no how much i would bond with the bump to give it up and again i say to my partner i want to do it and really now have my mind set on it he laughs and says "yeah ok but you wont give it up "
but knowing all the things that happens in the pregnancy i still want to do it . i love my sister dearly and i no she has 3 children already i want to make her family complete.
for you ...
your first born on the other hand weather it be for yr sister or yr self is sooo special and i am srue u wont be able to hand it over cus u bond sooo quickly ! and as soon as u see yr scan and a new life you will fall in love with it so as u never been throw pregnancy yet is it truely what YOU want to do knowing your have a life growing in you that wont be yr child .. as yr your parnter 99% of women who have children get stretch marks how flamin rude is he .. if he loves you he wont care about stretch marks !! does he no any one and every one can get them even if they are not having children they just turn up will he love you then !!
it is for him to decide too so you have to give him his say
but its something you realy do need to read up on and talk though in every detail ... xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Does your boyfriend also stop you going swimming because it might bleach your hair, or playing netball because you might break a nail? "Not attracted if you have stretch marks" -- what an insult.You should remind your bf that your first experience of pregnancy will be with him. Even if you are carrying your sister's child.I can well understand a bf having concerns about surrogacy, But the reasons your bf is putting forward give the impression that objects because he believes he owns your body. You may want to introduce him to a quaint 1960s social movement called Feminism.It is fair that your bf gets a say. If this all goes weird than the two of you will end up raising the child. But you bf's current objections are so skin-deep that it does make you wonder if he is in love with you or in love with your body (and once you pass 40 the body, it ain't so great anymore, so what are your bf's plans then?).
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (16 May 2010):
 On the infertility issue, I hope that your sister has been getting a second and a third opinion on her medical condition. The reason I say this is because various doctors told me I would never have a baby when I was in my late 20's due to reproductive abnormalities but I did give birth to a healthy boy who is now a bouncing toddler without any medical intervention. I think the motto is never say never! I think you should receive specialist counselling before you do the surrogate thing. The reason is that the child will grow up in a family that is very close to you. When they discover that their biological mother is in fact their aunt then it could have huge emotional consequences for them. It also means that you would have to see the child growing up - most surrogates leave their babies in the maternity ward and walk away. I can understand why your partner is not happy with the arrangement - he may say he won't fancy you with 'stretch marks' but I hope he is joking. I rather think he has looked at the potential emotional strain on you, your sister and himself and that is why he protests.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 I presume you have read up on all the complexities of being a surrogate. Pregnancy ain't easy, especially the first time. Also most mothers to be claim they bond with the unborn child. But it won't be yours and you will be expected to give it up afterwards.During this pregnancy, you and your fiancée will be going through all the problems but it won't be yours. To be very blunt, his bride to be will be getting fat, stretched out down there and possibly be unavailable for sex for months and for what? He proposed to you, not your sister.Yes, you could call it selfish but guess what, most people are. Including you. You are after all wanting to do something against his wishes. Selfish bitch ;) There is no easy answer here. There are two people in your life you want to be there for, who do you pick? Your sister wants a baby, probably sooner rather then later, while you and your fiancée do not. Yet. Both motivations are selfish, asking a huge sacrifice from you. And both sides got a point. Surrogacy works but it puts an enormous mental drain on the carrier. And most men really do not look forward to having their bride to be carrying another men's child, even if it is also another woman's child. Sometimes in life you can't please everyone. Sometimes you got to make a choice and accept that someone is not going to like it and not like you for it. Why are you so determined to be a surrogate? Your sister can adopt children after all, there are plenty of kids waiting for adoption. Why do you at 22 want to have a baby for someone else. And if your only answer is "because she is my sister" then that may not be enough. What about YOU.That has been missing right now. You don't say what YOU want. Really, deep down. Because if you REALLY wanted to do this, you would tell your husband to be that it is not his business and accept that he might dump you because of it. I get a feeling you are a girl who always tries to please everyone. Well as said, you can't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): that's pretty selfish of the guy ... but i can sort of see his point, his girl having someone else's baby however it is for a good cause. Well, its your sister and your life and if you want to do it then he'll just have to get over it. Screw him, sisters are for life and if he loves you then this won't stop him from being in your life too.by the way - you sound a little unsure about whether you want to go through with the pregnancy for your sister ... do you really want to or did you offer thinking you never would have to fullfil the promise? Forget the boyfriend, but is this something YOU really want to do???
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