A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:** For a Friend **I have a friend who has been divorced for 5 years and is single. A year and a half back, she fell in love with a married man. She started to have an affair only after he was able to convince that his marriage was already broken and he would leave his wife. 6 months later, he left home and started living separately. It’s been a year now. However, he has done nothing since then. He goes to his home to be with the kids after work, and stays there until the kids are in bed, sometimes as late as 10pm. He spends most weekends in that house as there is always some commitment with kids, social or something else. His wife started to work since she came to know of his affair. But financially, he still supports the family. Between mortgage and other expenses there is practically nothing left for him. He does not know how much his wife makes (given her background it should be around 60K). Now my friend is getting impatient. Nothing has been done and he is obviously comfortable in his position. Even his wife said, this situation is working for all of us so why divorce. She also mentioned she is pretty sure he will go back to her. He on the other hand is trying to assure everyone he means to separate from his wife. Every time my friend brings anything up, he does something very little – like go see a lawyer, clean up her yard, etc. Though she does not see it as anything concrete does not know what else to do. He also counter attacks or misinterprets her frustration by saying she does not want him to spend time with his kids. As a friend my advice to her was to give him a hard timeline and break up if possible. But she will have to deal with her emotional situation there after and I will always be there for her. She is intelligent and totally understands me – but unable to make a start. Need some ideas.
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affair, divorce, fell in love, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): While I agree with most of what Red says, don't leave your friend alone. This is possibly a difficult time in her life and as easy as it is to say that she is being stupid etc, don't just leave her alone at it. And yes, ask her to leave this man. She is going to get hurt in the long run in any case, the sooner and the lesser it is, the better.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Yeah it looks like this arrangement is working for every body but your friend that is. If she stupid enough to allow herself to be the other woman, sloppy seconds, then there really nothing to be done. And as Red said, It really isn't any of your beeswax anyway.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Ok, this is going to sound harsh.
It really is none of your business. It his her dumb and dysfunctional choice and she gets to own her consequences and frustrations that come with it.
Do not go borrowing trouble for yourself.
If you have already expressed concern for your friend and her choices, your job is done.
You can choose to hear her complaints and woes about her situation, or you can say "Dear Friend, I love you, but I can not engage in this conversation. It upsets me that you continue this relationship. So, for us to remain friends it has to be a topic we do not discuss together"
It sounds like a mismatch. One guy who is in tranistion and the relationship was established on lies and infidelity.
It is also none of your friends business to judge what the man does with his time or money towards his ex or children.
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