A
female
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anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i had a little disagreement over a simple thing. we should have dropped it; but didn't and so to shut him up, i told him he's never given me an orgasm and that i've faked all of them so far. it's true that i have faked them; i would Love to have them, and when we go thru the motions i tell him what i like and what seems to work, but then nothing happens. so i fake it to stop the waiting and move on to his pleasure; i do love him and i miss him when he's away, i can't imagine being without him --yet at the same time i want to really know what it is to be *fulfilled* by my guy. now he is Really upset and hurt. and i want to apologize but don't know how or what to say? please help me!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):
Thanks anon female. I really dont try to be brutal but I do keep in mind that we are only hearing one side of an issue in these questions. Running as fast as you can in the wrong direction wont get you where you are going, so I try to make sure that we are framing things correctly to start with. "You go grrl"-ism wont help if you are heading in the wrong direction.
When I was a teenager I used to scoff at the expression "making love" thinking it was a totally biological function and whatever relationship you had existed outside of the rutting. However thats all changed (although its still a ridiculous expression). As pretty as a girl is, she looks even greater when you look down at her and her eyes are bright with excitment and she is blissed out with pleasure... and you get a great feeling knowing its from something you are doing. It really is the greatest feeling in the world to give someone you love pleasure. Its like having picked out the perfect present for your wife, the one she'd never expect, and have it so perfectly wrapped even the seams lined up.
So if someone told me one of the most important things in my life was fake... wow, I'd be, to use the British expression, gutted.
The scenario where I could see you guys getting back together is if knew you realized you were wrong and had really changed to you arent the same person anymore.
I think you might be right that he may feel the need to date a couple of other girls before he gets to the point where you can work it out. Thats ok- its easy to find a girl but not so easy to find a friend. Eventually you'll probably look better in comparrison.
My advice at this point is to stay in contact, but stop the begging and pleading. Examine yourself and fess up to any mistakes you have made. Send him packages of cookies or brownies (that you bake) every couple of weeks- eventually the pain will fade and the associations with you will become more positive. A box on his doorstep or a note in your handwritting means good things. Eventually you'll have a talk where he vents a lot of anger at you, just take it and make sure he knows you have heard him out. When the anger is gone, he'll have room to let you back in.
BTW, I was out with some friends a couple of weeks ago, and the conversation was all about the one guy who had been dating a massage therapist. If women all want to date a doctor, a masseuse hold the same facination for men. You might consider taking a sports massage class and letting him know.
Sincere best of luck, and remember this may not be a quick fix but eventually our brains tend to remember the good and block out that bad events that have had closure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. Especially, anonymous male reader (you should not be anonymous --your insight was a bit brutal and yet dead-on. you deserve recognition, i would definitely seek your advice again, sincerely i say thanks) My guy and I have been communicating, tho we agreed to live apart and work some things out by ourselves and certain issues--we can work on together.
I would have hoped to be together forever, but this was a big wake-up call, and now I can't say if we will still be a couple in a year. regardless of what my big mouth is capable of saying, I did love and respect him very much and will wish him only the best with whatever happens. thanks again
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006):
One last time.
Its not that "I really just need to keep my mouth shut next time". Thats not the lesson.
You should have opened up your mouth a lot earlier to tell him that you needed his help to get off. Before you had a fight. Especially since you were living with the guy- you need to show some trust in your guy to fix things.
And when you had a urge to say things to hurt him in the fight, that was the time to bite your tongue.
You are suggesting that you should have covered up more effectivly, not addressed the problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really just need to keep my mouth shut next time, I've ruined an otherwise great relationship. He is the silent brooding type, & won't return phone/text or emails. Of course in my head, I'm spinning all kinds of evilness, like maybe he's out there with some girl just to prove he can make it happen. I hate feeling this way...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006):
Why dont you come back in a year and tell us if I was right or if Pete, MD was right?
I think the guy's perspective is that this has been too many lies for too long and you only finally revealed the information to hurt him.
It not a question of "she has trouble getting off with what we do", which any guy would understand, its "she has made a systematic practice out of deceiving me".
OK, now whats this business where you "need his help now"? Why does it matter if you dont reconcile for month?? You need him to wave a magic wand and take away all your guilt?
This is a situation where you have made mistakes, and there are consequences. And yeah, you have responsibility. Dont try to rush past this moment in your life....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): Hey good luck I hope things work out alright for you.
I think the previous answer was a little too harsh, to be honest.
1. You did lie but it is a very common problem in couples and you didn't lie to hurt him. You did it for quite the opposite, didn't you? You wanted him to feel like he was doing everything right.
2. I think by apologising you have given him the opportunity to fix things. I don't think he now thinks there is a high likelyhood that you will cheat in the future, none what so ever! It has nothing to do with this problem at all.
3. If someone has never said a hurtful thing to someone then they've never been in a relationship. The important thing is that you can get through this and not let it happen again. Or failing that; in future, if you meet someone new to talk more deeply on this issue of orgasm.
I think the male anonymous reply was probably from someone who has been personally hurt and is venting his own frustrating and painful feelings, so ignore his advice.
You haven't done anything particularly bad. You are a human being who reacted quite normally. Your boyfriend, when he has calmed down, should see this. If you have apologised and told him you want to work on your sex life so that you do have orgasms he would be crazy to decline. I do think it will take a bit of time for him to calm down though, what you have said will be a huge blow to his masculinity. I think if he is mature, and does love you, he will come back. Just make it clear you want to work things out. Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I apologized this morning. Begged and pleaded to talk this out with me, told him it was my problem, that I'm not alone, lots of women experience this. But I am 100% sure it's over. He moved out while I was at work. Now I don't know what to do; If he decides to give us another chance in a week or so, I would do the happiest happy dance! But if he comes back in a month or even a year; I don't know if I'd want to reconcile. I need his help now not later...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006):
Gotta tell you, I think you are gone.
1. You lied about the orgasms the whole time. How many lies is that? 100? 500?
2. You never gave him an oppertunity to fix things. Which in a guys mind means that you have a high likelihood of cheating in the future, because you dont see him as your go-to for your pleasure.
3. You intentionally tried to use the information to hurt him- and in "a little disagreement over a simple thing". What are you going to do when it is a big fight? Screw his best friend?
Oh you can cry and beg and promise to act all slutty for him and he'll probably take you back for a while.
But unless there are some extenuating circumstances here, I think it is a matter of time before you are gone for good. Probably after he gets anal off you so he feels things are evened out.
My advice would be to figure out why you are lying- what are you trying to avoid. And work on yourself so you dont feel the need to hurt people emotionally in a fight.
Do all this before you start dating anyone again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): oh dear,I can see that you are really sorry.
But if you explain to him that you are really sorry and tell him that you will make it up to him.
Try to explain that just because you dont orgasm it doesnt mean that he doesnt pleasure you.
I am not able to orgasm during sex so I can really understand yor frustration, but I do still enjoy sex and I get ripples of pleasure just not an orgasm, (damn it!).
But seriously, I'm sure its the same with you.
Your BF is upset because you have dented his ego MASSIVELY!!!!!.
He thought he was a love god! but as long as you explain to him that you just didnt want him to think that he wasnt good in bed so thats why you didnt tell him.
He might be cross now but he will calm down if he really loves you.
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A
female
reader, horsie_2001 +, writes (7 November 2006):
wait till your in the motions to tell him, that way he might try harder to make it work for you. There is a cream that you can buy, it increases sensitivity for you look on ebay its oon there its called female lubricant climax cream, and its quite good-it might help you along. But do say sorry, if you cant get the word out right buy a sorry card, its easy that way. But consider this- if i cant say sorry its usually because im not
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