A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hurt someone's feeling really bad...I mean it was harsh. I have been married for 8 yrs. My marriage was rocky in the beginning. I decided to get a friend who is much older than I. He is like my dad's age and married. I was attracted to his personality and sex appeal. We started talking on the phone and only went out one time. I noticed he started talking really sexual and begging to have sex with me. I would demand him to stop and he would, only for a short time. I liked him so much that I began to tolerate his stupid nonsense. No matter how many times I would try to break off things, he would come right back and I would entertain him. I never slept with him so I figured he would go away but he never did. I told him today "I found someone else, I don't like you anymore, stop texting me, and your getting in the way of my new man" etc...etc.... This is such a lie. I don't have a man. I'm actually trying to work on my marriage. I tried everything in running this man away without things getting ugly and nothing seemed to work. I feel awful. I feel like I crushed his feelings of telling him abt another man. Where I'm from, you never tell a man about another man to get out of a situation but in this case, I had no choice. I haven't heard from him. Everything is quite. I feel bad but relieved. Is there something missing here? Why do I feel like crap?
View related questions:
crush, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): ".......He is like my dad's age and married. I was attracted to his personality and sex appeal........"
This man wanted what you depicted: availability.
remember HE was married too .......but this did not stop you from using him emotionally.
as much as he did wrong, you too crossed boundaries.
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk....let me make smt clear here. I didn't pursue that man, he pursued me. I took a chance on allowing a friendship that went sour. He wld have used me and took advantage of me being vulnerable. I had perfect good reason 2 get rid of him. He never was a shoulder 2 cry on. His agenda was sex. When I realized that, I was hurt. I just wanted a friend. He started telling me abt other women when he found out I wouldn't sleep with him. I guess he thought I wld give in. He started ignoring me at times when all I wanted 2 do was talk. Why is it that I'm harsh and he was not. He was married 2. He wanted sex.....I didn't. I thought abt my dang vows...he didn't. He had no freaking problem hurting me and playing mind games. The difference btw me and him is that I have a conscious. I thought abt sex with him but after he showed his colours, I led him on. I do feel bad! I'm not an evil person.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): I would venture a guess that you don't feel like crap because you lied about another guy...I would guess you feel like crap because you encouraged him to pursue you one some level only to turn him down. I'm not trying to be judgemental, but it seems like you led him on. After all, you admit that you "got him as friend" because your marriage was rocky. You enjoyed his personality and his sex appeal, but when he reciprocated in kind you refused him.
However, you actually have a pretty good reason for refusing him or aborting the friendship. You're married and commited to someone else.
I don't think the lie is what's bothering you, the fact that you used him as a crutch probably does though. You flirted with the idea of being unfaithful...and you used him as a prop in your fantasy.
We all do mean, narcissistic things from time to time. It's inevitable. You do have the option of treating him like a real human being and apologizing though.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): But you do have a man in your life...YOUR HUSBAND, remember him...You have a man who you made promises/vows to........You are acting like you area a single woman and free ...You are not, your are still married and regardless of the problems you have you should behave as such...You havent really hurt this guy, I would say you did him a huge favour ....Work on your marriage and stop entertaining yourself by playing with other peoples emotions......Leave this guy well alone, what good will it do him ....Dont worry about him , he will be fine...I suspect you too have become attached to him...Let go and work on your marriage
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 I guess you feel like crap because you lied to the guy. You feel guilty about it, simple as. You are relieved because you got the outcome you wanted, he has stopped persuing you. It sounds like you did what you though you had to do in this situation, but feel bad because you have a moral dilema, you had to lie to get him to stop persuing you. I can see why you felt this was needed, you'd tried to break things off, but it seems you were not able to assert yourself to him about this, so you felt the only thing left to do was to lie. That is a shame, because like you said, you think you may have hurt his feelings and maybe it was a littl mean to tell him he was getting in the way of a new man. If I'm honest that is a little harsh. But don't beat yourself up too much. You did what you felt was right in the situation as it happened. If it was me this happened to, I perhaps would have been stronger when breaking up with him. You don't nessassarily have to lie to stop a man persuing you. Maybe you could have said the honest truth? That you want to make things work with your husband and are no longer interested in him, sorry.
But at the end of the day, you've made your decision to work on your marriage, which is admirable. Plus either way, this other guy would have felt rejected whatever you told him. It was better to end it when you did than to keep letting him try to seduce you, it wasn't doing either of you any good, as I'm sure you know. Stick with your decision and try to worry but learn from what happened. Good luck for the future.
...............................
|
