A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I just had a fight recently and I'm quite confused about what I feel now and I don't know what to do.It started with a small argument with me kicking a fuss about some small issue. But then I threatened to tell his colleagues and bosses that he was looking for a new job and he got super pissed at me and demanded the engagement ring back and said he didn't want to marry me anymore. I got pissed and said fine, if he was going to ruin my life I would ruin his too. The argument continued for some time, but because it was during lunch, we both had to go back to our respective work places.We tried to pretend it was alright at dinner time, he gave me back the ring, and we had dinner. But halfway through he said he was still very upset, and that he couldn't believe that I could say a thing like threatening to ruin his life if he broke up with me. (I've been getting into a very bad habit of threatening him with various things and I now know this is a problem I have to fix.) Now he feels that the only reason he's being with me is because he doesn't want me to ruin his life. So he said he needed a time-out from me to think about things. We fought about that for a while, but in the end I agreed to let him choose if he still wanted to marry me because he says he now feels like he doesn't have a choice, and that he couldn't marry me knowing there's this threat over his head.The next morning I thought it would be nice to surprise him and go to work together. But he was completely freaked out and felt that I was going to start stalking him. He said I was pressurising him and not giving him a choice. I didn't realise it would turn out so badly, so at the advice of his friends, I have completely stopped contacting him, because from what he's told them, he's just really afraid of me right now. His friends hope that we can work this out, but says I have to give him space to clear his mind and think things through.I thought I would be fine, just giving him some time to think, but it's been 2 days now and I'm starting to have doubts. I don't understand what he needs to think about. I have decided to be committed to this relationship ever since he proposed. But it seems like he's now deciding whether to continue being committed to this relationship. My parents are very unhappy with the situation and their comments are starting to affect my resolve to be committed to this relationship.As a background info, we have broken up once before and I waited for him (willingly, not at his request) for one and a half years, while he had other girlfriends, before we got back together again. I don't think I would be able to go through that again and that is what I fear will happen again.I guess I shouldn't pressure him to make a decision, but I'm finding it very difficult to stay calm. My life has been put on hold, but he's been meeting friends and attending parties. I have reassured him that my threats weren't real but he doesn't believe me. I don't know what else I can do now. And the longer he takes to decide, the less certain I feel about our relationship.Is there anything I can do now?
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broke up, fiance, got back together, stalking Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): Final Update!
Things are going well now, we are trying to calmly talk about our issues, instead of letting them build up again till a small argument causes it to blow up. We got a book on anger management and are reading it together. And the wedding is back on track!
Thanks for everyone's help and encouragement!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Hahaha.. thank you for your update, you've just made my day... I'm happy and excited for you as well.. :)
Now, if you feel the need to apologise, just once will do.. you and him are going out to have fun, be happy and smile a lot and tell him that you missed him.. :)
Yippie, he's asked you for a date...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Thank you, Miamine.
Just an update, he just texted to ask if I still wanted to go to the museum (we had bought our tickets earlier on). I said okay! (and I'm really very happy and excited about it!) I hope it's the right thing to do though, since he initiated the outing. Wish me luck later!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 April 2010):
Sigh...just saw your update, and now I'm upset that I got angry with you. I guess we both got to change our ways.. :)
I know you miss him, I know you want to see him to apologise and make everything alright again, but it really isn't the right time. You must do what Serendipity says, you must go out with your friends, go and see movies, go out to dinner, go and do stuff that looks like fun. He will see you being happy and this may help him to get interested again.
Do not contact him for at least 2weeks, better 3weeks. You must leave this man alone to think...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): thanks for the encouragement, serendipity1983. I will try to carry out your advice although this separation is particularly difficult for me, but I really want to make the relationship work out.
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A
female
reader, serendipity1983 +, writes (2 April 2010):
i have been in the same situation as you more than once and i found that the solution to this problem is to just leave him alone for atleast 2/3weeks and trust me i know this is hard but this does work and find things to do like go out and enjoy things with ur mates and just live a bit of a single life.im not saying act like ur not in a relationship but have some girl time and once he knows that ur enjoying urself he will be calling and put it this way if u was engaged that means that he was planning on marrying you and those feelings dnt just go away because of an argument and if they do then just think u would of wasted ur life with someone who didnt really love you as much as you thought and that would of hurt more than what u feel now,men always need to take a break at some point but they dnt say i need a break they wait untill an argument and use that as their break point!!he will be back just dnt hold on so tightly cus that way you might lose him forever!(they dnt like to be controlled)just let him think he has lost u forever he will soon cum running.xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Thanks for your reply. I too agree I have anger management issues and am trying to work on them. I just feel sad that he actually believes that I would carry out my threats, because I really didn't mean it and only said them in a fit of anger.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
Over a small argument, you threaten to ruin this man's life by getting him sacked, leaving him in a position with no money and probably no references....
WOW!!!!!!!! What happens when it's a big argument and you get really, really angry?
(I've been getting into a very bad habit of threatening him with various things and I now know this is a problem I have to fix.)
"Now he feels that the only reason he's being with me is because he doesn't want me to ruin his life. So he said he needed a time-out from me to think about things. We fought about that for a while, but in the end I agreed to let him choose if he still wanted to marry me because he says he now feels like he doesn't have a choice, and that he couldn't marry me knowing there's this threat over his head."
- How kind of you to agree to LET HIM CHOOSE if he still wanted to marry you... mmmmm... man sounds really scared if you ask me...is it your intention to blackmail a man into marrying you?
"The next morning I thought it would be nice to surprise him and go to work together. But he was completely freaked out and felt that I was going to start stalking him. He said I was pressurising him and not giving him a choice."
You just threatened to make him loose his job.. he's told you he is scared of you and asked for some space to decide if he's marrying you out of fear or out of love... You turning up at his work place probably frightened him a lot, after all you did threaten to talk to his bosses and make him loose his job. I think he wanted more than a couple of hours space from you. Seeing a woman who is blackmailing him is never going to be a nice surprise.
"I thought I would be fine, just giving him some time to think, but it's been 2 days now and I'm starting to have doubts."
LADY, IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS.. THIS MAN NEEDS SPACE.. He's very scared of you and I can see why. You threaten, you blackmail, you stalk, and he can't even get two days alone to try to think clearly about marriage. SPACE MEANS LONGER THAN TWO WEEKS, IT MAY TAKE AT LEAST A MONTH OR MORE.. TWO DAYS IS TOO SOON TO HARASS THIS FRIGHTENED GUY.
"I don't understand what he needs to think about"
- Yes I can see that... that's why I'm using capital letters.. THIS GUY IS FRIGHTENED OF YOU, WHEN YOU GET ANGRY, YOU THREATEN TO HURT PEOPLE IN A VERY BAD WAY.
I have reassured him that my threats weren't real but he doesn't believe me.
HE'S SCARED OFF YOU
What can you do... Give the guy a month's break. If you can't wait that long, then off course you can't marry him. However, I have a strong feeling that he will not marry you now. A woman who threatens a man's job and income is a dangerous woman to have as a wife.
What would you do if he ever wanted a divorce. You can threaten his job for a "small issue", what would you do if you really got angry and mad.
Please work on your anger issues, your not ready to be in a relationship with anybody right now. What your doing is a form of domestic violence. Your using emotional, mental and verbal abuse to keep this man under your thumb. He has recognised this, and again I repeat his words.. HE IS VERY FRIGHTENED OF YOU.
Wait, leave the man alone. Get help with your temper, learn how to argue without hurting, threatening or making people scared of you. Change your ways, and you just might have a chance.
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