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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: i have a serious relationship with my boyfriend for the last 1 and a half year. We work in the same place in managerial positions, due to his profession he stays in the workplace and 5 or 6 days a week I was also sharing his apartment, very happily living together... Until i learnt the sad story happened last weekend that i will write in details, I had a total trust for our relationship. He had so much stress in the last 1-2 months regarding the work issues, another thing was also that we learnt he would be transferred soon and we were in the process of planning our future as it is impossible for me at the moment to move with him to another country due to the conditions of my life. But at the end we were both thinking that we would find a solution together. As he was so stressed in the last days, within the last week he was taking pills which are totally herbal that would make him less nervous...Last Saturday, i came back to my house, we talked on the phone for two times in the evening, everything was very normal and happy as usual, he wanted to see me earlier the day after, he said he would like to talk about our plans, how we can manage my current financial problems, etc. I told him that I will let him know when to meet in the later hours of the evening. At midnight, I sent him a message saying that I will let him know when I wake up. On Sunday I woke up around 9.30, saw his sms sent at 7:30 on that morning asking about the plan for the day. Replied him back saying that he can come whenever he wants, 1 hour later, there was no answer or call so that I sent another sms asking if he was sleeping as I did not want to disturb him thinking he may need a little bit rest. 20 minutes later he called, saying that he just woke up with a very (sad or sleepy) voice...I was a little bit surprised as his plan was to eat and then to go home and sleep very early. Then he told me that all of a sudden he went out with some colleagues and came back to home around 1.30 that he was in the bed all this time. First I didn't react but somehow I felt something was going wrong. I just told him that he was the one insisting on meeting earlier and now he is still in bed, he said he knows and sorry for this but will leave the house in 2 hours to come to my house. Then I said I will be waiting. When we hanged up the phone, I was a little bit nervous with no reason and sent him a message saying that it would be better if we rest today and that I was really not in the mood of seeing him sleepy on my day off. He replied back saying that he was shocked to see this kind of a message as he had rushed to the shower to leave the house as soon as possible, but after this message for sure he would stay in the house and wanted me to let him know if i want to see him, added that "please do not forget, i also have a life"...then i replied, "do not rush, enjoy your life"...in the evening, of course i was feeling sad about what happened, and we started to send messages again to express how we both feel sorry about this situation. Then everything was ok until I went to work on Monday morning just to learn from a colleague that on Saturday night, he came back to the house around 3.30 with a shemale!!! I was thinking that it was the joke of my life...But unfortunately I wanted to check the camera records and watched the reality show...He sent me a message at lunch time to ask how my day was going on...I didnt reply and saw him after that his face was totally white...Of course he understood that I learnt...As all of it is happening in our workplace, i hardly forced myself not to cry and so on...Went to a very good friend of mine to stay there and to talk...Late in the evening I called him, and he was already crying on the phone, saying that he destroyed everything...I told him that I learnt something and I want to hear it from him...He said he went out, he was so drunk and he came back to the house with a lady, then nothing happened as he fell asleep and she should have been left. When I asked him if it was a real "lady", he replied saying that "not really". He was crying and crying...Then I hanged up the phone...I was also sure that nothing happened in the house as I also learnt what the shemale told to the taxi driver when he was on the way back and also from the short scenes that I watched, it was so clear that he didn't want him when the shemale tried to set my bf on fire...The day after, i went to our house to take all my stuff when he was not there..Of course the days after were really so hard to handle especially when we were coming across in the workplace. He was looking totally down, sad and desperate. Most of the days, he started to work too late and was out of sight most of the time. Last Friday, we came across again, he looked at me in a way that I felt he needed to talk to me...I called him 1 hour later, and said if he wants to talk, we can...And the day after, we met out of the workplace...What he said is he doesn't know what to say or do, this is totally his fault and he is the only responsible person for what he did, he could not find the reason to do such a thing, and now it means nothing to say sorry, his life is empty and he was even not expecting that he would ever have the chance of talking to me again...I asked him if he had this kind of an adventure before, and he misunderstood me saying that he also had something like this with his ex-gf in the reverse direction as he found his gf in the bed with someone else. Then when I told him that I meant if he had an experience with a shemale before, he was so shocked, and did not understand what I meant. I reminded him that, on the phone I had asked this question and he also had told me "it was not a real lady". Then he said, that was a girl on the street and not a lady, that was the reason to answer like that. Then we couldn't talk, he was just looking at me with crying eyes and I didn't want this silence to go on and wanted to go back to the office. We went back without saying a word to each other. In the evening, I sent him a message saying "I wish we could really talk in the afternoon and it really sucks like this". Then he was again sending me a message saying there's no explanation for what he did and he feels like he put a knife on my little heart, he destroyed not only his life...Then I sent him another message just as follows:" yes, you did what you did and maybe you'll dare to sort it out one day." He replied that I was right, that's his own mess and to solve he will need my help and he hopes he can have a chance and will be brave enough to talk and look at me...Then I wrote him to give sometime for it...He asked if I will give time to him and I replied that I hope I will for both of us...This is the all story of the week and now I do not know how I can handle this...I searched for a therapist and for sure will have an appointment within the week as I am not sure I can manage it on my own...Please do help! When I think about all these, I believe that what we had worths another try although it may be too weird for most of the people. I think that maybe he was blaming me as I dont have a solid solution to move with him for the time being and he maybe wanted to punish us and our relationship when he was not sober. And how pitty that I did not realize I put him in a position like this and was not with him when he needed help...Or I am just a stupid that I still love him...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): Here we go with the updates and I need your help again...Last night was the first time that I stayed in his house after texting each other for the last days; me asking why he still does not help us or do not get into action and him saying he does not know how or what he would do not work, or him saying that he does not want to "make" me believe but he wants me to believe...Last night, I tried to make him talk with me about the situation and the only thing I learnt was he thought that we would never talk to each other again or would be able to see us so fast like this...As he was thinking in this way, of course when I asked him he also said he did not think on how he can solve this problem up to now...He says of course he wants to work on it but does not know where to start or what to do and what my expectations are...And then I could not hear many words from him...I just told him that I have so many questions on my mind which are waiting to be answered and added that I am also not sure if he is open to these or ready to hear them. He was so silent after that I said I really need to hear what he thinks, then he was saying only, of course he wants to answer and he can not understand how I could think that he would not answer or would not want to talk...But somehow I think that he is really not ready for it and as he did not try or ask to come together to even just to talk again for which he says he would never imagine that it would happen, Now I feel like I am forcing it...Of course there is no magic wand to change what we have just in a moment but to see him like numb and me like forcing him is making me so annoyed...But I just want to talk to him...And just to let you know about some differences in his house within the time that I was not there...First; there is no alcohol in the house at all and he also doesn't want to drink...Second; he did not sleep in bed for the last 9 days, preferred to sleep on the couch...Even last night I made him go to bed...Out of our problem subject, there is no communication problem, we talk, we laugh, we have gossip...but when it comes to us, we get stuck and we can not talk in details for ourselves. I do not know what to do again...To wait for him to open up or to face it out...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): thank you to all who share their very sincere and mature opinions...just to let you know that, regarding sex we did not have any problems up to now, as soon as i know it was always exciting enough...maybe not very often like when we had started but still in very good quality in deed...i could even feel that he was missing it...for janniepeg; he did not let a colleague to see what happened, he was alone right after having some drinks with him, and then it happened...how i learnt is just the gift of technology in our workplace...and i should admit that "to think" instead of "feeling" is really what i have to do i guess...i hope he will be brave enough to be back to me again and then i can consider of upgrading him with right ideas of sex...thanks a lot and for sure i will share all the updates with you...
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 The thing you describe is shocking, and you felt very sharp shock, which was natural and it is also natural that you will come out from such shocking state, and now it is time to think, and not 'feel', because right thinking will solve problem, and not feeling...how true your feeling may be.
I think, from the particular and mood of your mind, that you both enjoy the status of 'husband-wife' or seriously wanted to achieve such status. So, in spiritual context you as a couple is 'one'. Love is embodied in just two body, but enjoy by one mind [or spiritual mind]
See, love is blind but sex is not blind, but it is 'light'. See his sex affair quite objectively. In his mind there must be lot of ignorance, fantasy and foolish ideas about sex. As a male he is not alone, who live with ignorance, there are many male and even female also who live in 'darkness of the mind' and do lot of irrational stuff. Out pornography also do such thing that spread more darkness and no light. So, it is better to understand each other in the context of sex, as here is not a issues of personality, but of right and wrong ideas about sex. He love you, and very serious about 'relationship'. So, do not degrade him, but upgrade him by right ideas about sex life. Our mind is also like computer, need upgradtion.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 I don't think a guy hangs out with a shemale just because his life is empty and needs excitement, or because you . If he's crying like that it implies he's guilt of hiding his sexuality and lying to you. A straight man even drunk, would never do things with a shemale, not even out of curiosity. You have to ask yourself if your sex life is up to par. Does he seem like he has to perform an act he's not natural at? Part of the stress he's having is keeping it a lie and hiding in a closet for so long. He could be a bisexual, but the fact he could do something so indiscreet letting a colleague know means your relationship is not worth saving. You will always be wondering if his eyes are lingering on other men, women, or ladyboys. Whether you want to accept or not, this has become a workplace scandal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Hi, I can see you put a lot of heart felt emotion into your question.I understand why you are feeling so upset. So I think the main questions to ask yourself are, has he ever been unfaithful to you before?Do you feel he wants to break up? What I believe is that he is in love with you and he is a good person but he made a mistake. We are all human and prone to making mistakes in life. If he has done something similar more than once then u know there is a problem. MAybe he did have too much to drink and lost his mind somewhere. I dont actually think the 'shemale' bit is showing he is attracted to shemales. It may have just been silly drunken behaviour. I'm sure he is feeling extremely embarrased. You are also doing the right thing by saying u need time to think things through so that he will learn NEVER to repeat this kind of behaviour.
That is just my opinion. yours is the most important opinion. good luck!
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