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female
age
30-35,
*0ph1e
writes:A year a go I found out I had pcos and it horrified me that I would never conceive. I spoke with my partner and said I don't really want to wait to try for a baby - I'm 24 so it wasnt unrealistic. A year later and all of a sudden my partner wants to start traveling and stopped ejaculating in me. No dicussion what so ever. I left it a couple of months but still he kept pulling out every time. I spoke to him about it and said what my options are to help relieve my symptoms. I relaid everything, one going back on the pill. His response was immediately you will have go back on the pill then won't you. I was kinda dumbfounded by this comment, as why would he lead me to believe that he wanted to try and has now changed his mind. I mean a year we were trying and he decides to tell me only when I questioned what is going on. We have also been together 10 years this may. I feel like we both want different things and I don't know what to do from here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): If you stay and he still doesn't change his mind (or is an unhappy dad) you will still begrudge him.Also, I'd say with someone in a similar kinda boat - just don't waste any more time because once it's gone you can't turn the clock back.Just go find someone who will be super happy to become a daddy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2016): It sounds like he wants to get away from this situation. Hence the travelling. This is typical of someone looking for a complete change in life ie the inbetween ending an old chapter and starting a new one.
There is going to be no "easy way." Actions speak louder than words.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 And to add to your followup, of course it would be natural to begrudge him if he turns out to not want children with you. The more I think about it, the more I think you need a mediator to help you discuss all this together, as in a couples counselor. A few visits might help you both see the situation between you more clearly. Sorry for your health struggles.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2016):
Hi, Sophie (s0ph1e), I found a few of your earlier questions about this relationship. I think things have been a bit rocky with your boyfriend for a while.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-does-my-boyfriend-have-to-drink-every.html In this one of only a year ago, he was drinking too much on the weekends. Has that resolved or is he still drinking like his Dad did? Did you check into Al-Anon, or message So_Very_Confused?
In this one, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-do-i-say-where-to-from-here.html , you are not finding to be an empathic or supportive boyfriend. He basically doesn’t want to hear about PCOS or how you are being affected by it. Unless he’s become more supportive, this doesn’t bode well for a long term relationship.
In these two http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-get-so-little-time-together-that-distance.html and http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-like-some-attention-but-dont-want.html he doesn’t seem to spend much time with you at all. You’d basically be a single parent if you do have a baby with him. Is that what you really want? Wouldn’t you be happier with a man who is ready to be a parent?
Obviously family is a factor in all this, your mum and dad have split up, his dad is an alcoholic, his brother has Downs and has some special needs, which you’ve been accomodating. Did you ever reach a happy consensus on this issue or did you spend Christmas apart?
I don’t know, Sophie, I think you genuinely want things to work with him but I’m not sure you two are compatible in the long term, unless you both are working on the problems in the relationship. As you haven’t followed up, we don’t really know how things resolved in each of these instances for you, but I suspect that he carried on as usual and you just gritted your teeth, tried to forget about it and accept it.
I think your boyfriend is a passive type of communicator. He demonstrates what he wants, which in this case, is NOT to have a baby at this point. He doesn’t want to be a Dad. Yes, he should have discussed this with you as a mature adult but all the posts you’ve written about him show him as an avoidant type of person. He vanishes when things are rough.
Is he still working away Monday through Friday? Still doing everything with other people on the weekend? What’s happening? Are you hoping for a baby so that you have some company and something to nurture?
I think it’s time for a real, I mean REAL, heart to heart discussion with him, where you really do try to listen to him and not through the filter of your expectations of him.
As someone else said, the boy you selected at age 14 may not be your best longterm life partner. I’m sure that’s really difficult as you’ve been together for so long. Ten years. You’ve practically grown up together. Perhaps you’ve outgrown him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): You've been together since you were 14 years old. It may be that you to just have outgrown each other, that your life goals are diverging. Someone you date at age 14 might not necessarily be the best partner for you when you're 24 34 44 or 54. I would take a closer look at your entire relationship, the starting to try for a child may just be the last straw in a relationship that is no longer functioning for both of you. The fact that he says he wants to go traveling suggests he needs a great deal of time away from you. And that time away from you maybe a positive thing in the long run, he'll learn that he has found his perfect match and will come back to you, or he may realize you've been in a relationship of 10 years just because that's all you know. Part of this situation with your health could scare him as well I think PC OS is not a comfortable thing to experience and it will cause fertility problems from what I understand. Obviously he has not been ejaculating inside you because he does not want you to get pregnant. Yes he might've agreed to it, however, his actions show that he really does not want to be a father at this point in time. So while this can be a very hard thing to face at this time you've been together nearly half of your life, this may be the launch pad for you to new relationship with someone who is actually better suited to you then the boy you selected when you were 14 years old.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 In this situation, he was wrong not to discuss having changed his mind with you. That's not fair. After ten years together, you deserve to be informed. Now, he says he wants to travel and see the world. That's fine. Is that something you want too? Is it something he wants to do with you? I feel as though he's starting to feel as though as a baby would limit him. A baby does set limits and it's immense responsibility. He may have liked the idea at first and then, decided that he'd miss out on life if he became a father. Honeypie is right, get back on birth control and talk to him. You both need to figure out where you go from this. For me, no kids is a deal breaker. My boyfriend and I have had conversations about this and we've decided that we're not ready but for different reasons. We both want to finish our education and be stable. But for him, he also wants adventure. I could have a baby tomorrow and ecstatic. But my boyfriend is not there yet and that's okay for now. Ask your boyfriend if he wants to be father or if it's just more time he needs and if so, what's the estimate? Two years? Three years? More? Does he want to stop the relationship altogether? You need to know. Be patient and hear him out. If it turns out that your goals are no longer compatible, at least you know this now as opposed to later when there could have already been a baby involved.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2016):
 I fully understand OP, unfortunately... it takes two people to make a baby, and HE should have the choice NOT to want to father one if he doesn't want to. It might mean you two have grown apart and he is no longer the "man" for you.
While your biological clock is ticking and your condition makes it harder to want to wait, you CAN'T force him to become a Dad. You can resent that all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that he isn't ready for a child now. He might have thought so in the past, but have discovered that there are things HE wants to do before settling down.
So you two have to figure out if he just don't want kids NOW or at all, and if that is a deal-breaker for you.
Yes, it DOES feel unfair that he has now changed his mind. But again, it IS better that you KNOW instead of having a child with someone who doesn't want one or doesn't want that commitment WITH you.
Wanting to travel, I totally get that too. I did a bit of travelling in my late teens and early 20's and loved it. However, with your BF is it just dreams or is he working towards saving up, making travel plans etc? If it's just dreams he might be "wishing" to travel for the next 10 years, while you sit on your hands. That might not be for you. And that is OK.
So you two NEED to talk and figure out where things are headed.
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reader, s0ph1e +, writes (28 April 2016):
s0ph1e is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy concern is if I leave it and don't try for a few years and I don't fall pregnant ever I will almost begrudge him. I know it's wrong to feel like that but I do...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2016):
Well, I can see why that sucks - but in all honesty, I think it's better he finally got it out BEFORE knocking you up and walking away.
Your dreams for the future and his, no longer coincide with YOUR time-plan. He isn't ready for kids just yet.
I think the BEST thing you can do it get back on BC and then sit him down and talk. You two have known each other since you were 14? So that should help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): Are you invited to go travelling with him or not invited? That would make a big difference to me. Personally I wouldnt want to wait around and who's to say he will change his mind? I am 28 and I still don't want kids, however I do want them one day,so if my boyfriend didn't want kids at all and took that away from me it would be a deal breaker. You are still young but you've been together 10years imagine waiting another 10 and boyf still not wanting them. Is it a case of not now or not ever?
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 He wants something else, yes. After ten years it is hard to tell someone this. Because it often means you want to end things. Rather than saying it out loud, you say it with your actions. If you want this relationship, you should not speak of this again now. Instead, listen to the actions, and not the words. He want to travel. Let him. See if he comes back to you.
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