A
female
age
51-59,
*ofinuim
writes:three years ago I was going out with someone who cared so much about me that he wanted to marry me. I was hanging around with a bad crowd and drinking. I was given a choice stop or lose him. At the time I was in total denial of my problem and he left me. I am now doing well and no longer drinking for the last 4 months. We are now back in contact with each other, he is extremely angry with me and I thought it was due to my behaviour. Today I discovered that as far as he's concerned I had an affair because I went out with someone else. However I was already seperated from him for 3 or 4 months at the time that I started seeing someone else. Until he told me that I believed there was hope for reconciliation, now I just don't know what to think or do. Please advise me. Thanks
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Well, you need to work at the relationship, hard. It really is hard work, as you know if you kicked the drinking habit.
Everyone who has a drug and alcohol problem hurts those that they love, even if neither side realizes it. Usually they do realize it, but don't realize the drug/alcohol plays such a prominent role. Usually the hurt is far worse than the one who causes it realizes.
You are 4 months out of drinking, stay sober, don't drink at all, never again, and work on yourself to understand what and why you did what you did.
Really, he's angry because you chose "the bad crowd and alcohol" over him, but he doesn't realize the effect alcohol may have had on you.
Be better to him than you have ever been to anyone, whether he will resume the relationship or not. Understand that you hurt him terribly, terribly, terribly, when you did what you did, choosing what you did over him, and it will take a lot of time and care to heel those wounds (and they may simply not be something that the relationship can overcome).
By the way, if you resume drinking, and there is a chance you will unless you work rigorously against picking up the bottle again, or any other drug, then there is a very high chance you will repeat the behavior that hurt him.
If you are talking with him, have him look at these sites and information.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism
A
female
reader, sofinuim +, writes (15 December 2010):
sofinuim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks or your advice, I really do hope that he does come to understand because I really do love him, he has been there throughout my life at some of my darkest moments even before we got together. The pain he is feeling is the same as if I had done it while we were still together and this is the part that I really don't know where to begin making up for, but no matter what happens and how long it takes I don't want to drink again. Thanks again for your help :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (15 December 2010):
Firstly, congratulations on kicking the drinking habit. It's good to kick it out, if it's a negative in your life. Keep it up and good luck with that.
Secondly, I can see why he's unhappy. Not that I agree with him, but I can see it. He broke up with the drinking you. When you stopped drinking, you're his again. But of course you weren't. He had broken up with you.
(Even if you were still drinking when you were dating this guy, he was still dating the non drinking you. I hope I'm not being too confusing.)
Luckily, I think this can be solved with some forthrightness on your part. I think you just have to prove to him that you are his and his alone. Simply tell him you understand that he thinks it was an affair, but at the time you felt you were single and would never do that if you were together.
(You might have to tell him that in more than a few ways, as I think he's worried you may do this again if you both had hard times in your relationship)
I think your man simply needs reassurance that he's the one and will be the only one. You seem very thankful that he helped and sacrificed for you in your life and considering how highly you speak of him, I think it's now time to simply put that positive energy into letting him know he is (the one). After he sees you forthrightness, love and reassurance, he'll get it, and you should be OK. It might take a bit of time, some cajoling and a lot of love, but you should get there.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
...............................
|
