A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 year, 1-1.5 year married girl with no child yet. It was a love mariage after 8 years relationship. My husband abuses and black mails me, he even call to my mother and tell her our before marige secrets. Sometime he behaves awsem and sometime like a animal. He dint alow me to do job, and dnt allow me talk with my cousins. What should i do, plz plz help me..
View related questions:
cousin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Its a difficult situation for you, living with a man whose a bully.
It may be wise to ask him not to tell your mother your secrets, as she doesnt have to know.
i understand divorcing him is hard over there; but what other choice can you other than stay or leave? only you can decide that.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 If you live in India the situation has particular aspects that have to be taken into account when a woman wants to leave her husband.
Though aspects would be different to (for instance) if you lived in USA or UK. Then there can be particular difficulties for another country like Afghanistan where some of the rules are entirely different again.
However I will base my answer on the possibility that you live in India.
And first I will give you some links that might help you.
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/asia/asia1.html#India
for : support for women who have been Abused - and the Support in India available for these women.
http://cafephilos.wordpress.com/2011/03/17/why-women-sometimes-become-addicted-to-abusive-partners/
for: Why do woman often choose an abusive partner a second time
http://supari.org/supreme-court-of-india-no-alimony-for-woman-who-desert-husband/
And example of how women are treated in India:
Supreme Court of India decision to not grant Alimony (financial support after divorce) to women who leave a husband
I think your mother is being most cruel and unsupportive. So I do not think you can confide in your mother. She seems to prefer to align with your husband against you. That is very wrong.
And depending on where you live in India you may have to take into account the distressing aspects of pay-back when family become incensed when a girl does something that family think has dishonoured the family. So you must also ensure that you are safe at all times.
How to get away from an abusive spouse in India has specific aspects that are considered.
You married for love and he changed. That is a terrible betrayal. You husband is going behind your back and that is wrong and humilating and undermines you. Whereas he ought to be your very best friend and confidante. He is disrespecting you in a very nasty way.
He is no longer the man you married.
If you intend to leave you cannot divulge that fact to anyone. Not now, and not even when you are close to leaving.
But if you are resolved to leave him one day you need to start planning in secret and keep it a complete secret as you develop your plan.
Because an abusive man will only get worse. And if you have children it will be humilating and undermining for you and distressing for your child or children to see their mother so humiliared.
He says he does not want you to work. Not sure how you can change his mind on this but I do hope you can change his mind about you working. Because if you can work you can start saving a "leaving" fund that your husband never finds out about.
If you cannot work then at least start serving cheaper meals and work on ways to save some of the housekeeping money and put it aside where your husband cannot know about it. So that you can start building up your "leaving" fund.
Never tell a soul about your "leaving" fund - NO ONE.
Save even on things that you might usually buy. But do it ever so discreetly and don't even talk about the need to save money. Not even to any member of your family and not even to anyone who you now think it a friend.
Once you share a secret it is not a secret any more.
Be very pleasant to his family. Polite and stoic, and reveal little. Stay pleasant and give little away. Let people see what a lovely peaceful good person you are.
It is not going to be easy. And after leave some people will criticize. But what other people think of you is none of your business. That is entirely their business only.
Try to stay positive.
Below is an article on being positive.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
Once you do leave you will need to think about getting a job and supoport yourself and find a place to live. Try to leave your area completely. Go somewhere else. Emigrate to another country if you have the required skills and can afford to. But do not stay in your city nor in your area.
Do not try to become friends with another man too soon. No matter how another guy compliments you as you need to establish your independance and build your self esteem.
If you know how to sew and have your own sewing machine you may also be able to take in work that you can do at home after your day job.
You do not have to rush to get a divorce. I am not sure that divorce in your country is fair to women anyway.
Do not expect your husband to support you if you leave him. Money will give him a 'hold' over you and allow him to know where you are living. You do NOT need him to know such things as then he could harass you.
I would love to suggest that you also get some counselling to help you cope after you leave him. But I am not sure how expensive that might be so I will not recommend it.
Do research the best places for you to possibly settle. And clear the browser on the computer and clear what you have been looking at after ever research session. Or do the research at an Internet cafe and copy and past the information into a hotmail or gmail email account and leave it there - saved in "drafts" . Make sure your password into that email account is very hard to guess.
That way all your planning notes can always be available to you - addresses - phone numbers and information without you ever needing to print it out.
I do hope you are able to get away and rebuild a new life. You will make new friends. But you may also have to break contact with your own family for some time until you have been able to create a completely new life.
And then you may not even feel the need to contact your family since they are not supporting you emotionally now.
If you do run out of money do not take on any work that could leave to a more onerous situation than you are facing now. There is always Honest work available that is honorable work. Never be duped into working in any field that is illegal.
Your good name and your reputation is important so do your very best for you.
I wish you well - it will not be easy. And I hope all the links herein are helpful for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Honestly? I think you should leave him then file for divorce. This isn't what marriage is about, and you don't have to settle for this kind of marriage.
Surely you mum knows what he's like and doesn't agree with him treating you this way?
Be thankful that you don't have a child to him because you don't want someone like him fathering your children, I think you can and should do better.
...............................
|
