A
female
age
30-35,
*urtandUnsure
writes:Update and a new question(s):If you've read my last 2 pleas for help and advice, then you already know I'm recently out of a 3 year relationship. Since he told me about his cheating in November, I've gone through an emotional roller coaster that had me constantly wishing to vomit. I thought I was moving on until I saw pictures posted of him on some guys fb profile. These pictures consisted of him drinking, smoking- no surprise there- had a bit of weight gain, and him looking sickly pale. He has stomach ulcers which, under stress and anxiety cause him to vomit profusely. Seeing these pictures caused me pain, not because I knew he was partying, but because of how awful he looked. On top of this, his grandma passed away a few years ago on Christmas. I know this time of year is always difficult. Yes, I should be worried about the drinking as being stated in my last post, but his health was on my mind so much more. Mind you he's not a tiny guy to begin with. Needless to say, I had some inner fights with myself over whether to call him or not. The Christmas holiday with my family was nice, no one was acting awkwardly towards me anymore, but boy did the men and women of my family who've been cheated on have some opinions to share! I let it pass though. Christmas day while debating whether to send a text to my ex wishing him a Merry Christmas, he actually sent me a Merry Christmas text. I was shocked that he initiated conversation, but I kept the texting minimal. Only asking him to be smart and safe, to not treat his grandmothers death as an excuse for drinking excessively. Flash-forward a few days, I decided I wanted to speak with him after having a mental breakthrough. Ever heard of the song Dog Days Are Over, but Florence and the Machine? Well, I've listened to it plenty of times, but this one particular night, I had an epiphany. I accepted that my ex made a mistake, that I can not change the past and the only way to live is to keep moving forward. This included seeing him, speaking with him about the past and beginning to restart, and refresh ourselves. If its an option, I want to try dating my ex again. But not until he gets himself together, because I can't date the old ex. That person drinks too much, and is capable of hurting me again. I need the new him.Being the brilliant lady I am, I looked up the address to the friends house he was staying at while his grandparents were in town occupying his room. A few days later while running errands, I decided to go over to this friends house. I called my ex, and asked him to come outside. Needless to say, he was in complete shock that I was there in front of him. He kept rubbing his eyes like a little kid, staring at me real hard while I sat on the tailgate of his truck, asking if this was a dream. Mind you, I hate cigarettes, but I told him to smoke a cigarette, to calm him down before I started grilling him. We spoke for about an hour, and to be honest, the things I wanted to talk about the most, we didn’t get to. I asked him why he cheated, his said he wasn’t ready for our relationship. He thought I was going to be a fling like his last girlfriend of 8 months, until we had our one year anniversary and he realized how close I had become to his family, and him to mine. He told me he was scared of taking the next step, ie putting a ring on my finger. When I was younger, guys used to tell me they couldn’t date me because I’m not the kind of girl guys date, but rather the marrying kind. This used to piss me off, and now I take it as a compliment. So I’m not really sure how he thought I was going to be anything short of marrying material. Regardless, I accept it, he had cold feet. I let him know that the cheating wasn’t acceptable, and while I was pretty upset over that alone, I was more hurt by the fact that he betrayed my trust. Our conversation ended with him saying we should try being friends until we’re ready to try being in a relationship again. As he left, he said I love you, which I can’t say back. I love him, but right now its not the right kind of love. I cant toss the word love around lightly..especially around/regarding him. We met for coffee earlier this week, he asked if we could have ‘normal’ conversation, such as ‘hi, how’s the family? Etc..’ To be honest, I would love to have those kind of conversations, but until we can talk about the past openly, everything geared toward progressing will feel utterly fake. Of the things I asked him, he pretty much refused because every time I bring up the cheating, he says its like him reliving it and he hates it. I can drop those questions for now, but not long. I’m moving on, he should be as well. The reason why Im asking all these questions in the first place is to have some kind of closure on this part of my life. Good or bad, and I don’t think he quite understands that. On parting, I apologized for the hell I put him through this past year, and he apologized as well, and re affirmed that we should be friends for now. So here I am with few questions and mainly an update to my situation. Am I right to not push him for all the sordid details right now? I feel I deserve to know everything to fully move past it, and never bring it up again-or at least try to never bring it up- What are the risks of being just friends for any length of time? And more importantly, how do you become just friends after being in a serious relationship? I have so many heartstrings still attached, I’m not sure how to approach this new situation, if even possible. I want to work this out, that’s clear. And it appears he does too, I just don’t know how much, or if he’s even ready for ‘this’ kind of relationship now. Apparently I have more questions that need asking..do you think there is anything else I should be asking? Thank you for reading through this once again, I’ll try to give a synopsis next time. I appreciate all opinions =]
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): To rebuild the relationship you need to draw a line on what happened before. Trying to know every detail will not help you get closure. It will just torment you even more. You sound a very intense sort of person. I don't think knowledge will help you get past what happened. A lot of people would say, he cheated that's it I'm moving on. But you desperately want to salvage the relationship. It seems you are doing the running, seeking him out to talk things through. So I wonder how much he is prepared to pursue the relationship beyond friendship. I can see this dragging on for months, no real resolutions, half friends half not. Then ending anyway. So think very carefully if you want to give him anymore of your time. Why not cut your loses and start again with someone new. It's hard to walk away but it may be your best option.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 hi well first off he is the one that cheated on you therefore he should be more than willing to answer all of the questions that you have for him. You are on the right track you both need to be open and honest and talk about everything in the past and then bury it. It sounds to me like he doesnt want to open up this can off worms and would just rather concentrate on you both being friendly than him talking about his mistakes. But you need to be clear that its part of the bargain if you both want to get things back on track again.
Personally i find it difficult to go from being in a relationship to being just friends. You need to make sure you know exactly what he wants from you. Sit down and ask him what he sees happening in the future and if he is ready for a commited relationship. Also remember that once this has been spoke about you need to forgive and forget to allow this relationship to work, because if you cant trust him there is no future and if you keep bringing up the past it will probably just drive him away it needs to be buried were it belongs in the past.
Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I think it's wise to find out all the answers, if you have all those answers you can finally get closure and you will never again sit and wonder what happened. It's clear he's struggling with it though, so maybe try not to push it too hard, you said you were concerned for his health, too much pressure could push him over the edge.
Still ask those questions, but maybe go about it in a different way. Try and set up a neutral atmosphere somewhere, make it calm and relaxing and tell him that you will sit and listen to him, take turns to speak, give him the chance to get things off his chest his own way and in his own time. Don't interrupt him when he is speaking either x
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