A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Normally, I'm independent. I love going to the mall by myself cause I can do what I want,go into stores that I want to go into, try on as many clothing as I feel like it and have lunch where I want to go to and go home when I feel like it. However, ever since I've gotten a boyfriend, I feel so lost without him. It's like every night or at least every other night, I need to talk to him on the phone or wonder why he's not calling me and if he's not calling me, is he out flirting with other girls? I have gotten so paranoid that I keep wondering every night. I don't like this one bit and am going nuts. I don't want to be a stalker nor a "crazy" girlfriend who's soooo dependent on her man. Am I going nutso? Granted, I still do enjoy going out by myself to the mall or doing things on my own...and I do have friends but all of my friends are either married and do things with their husbands or are just too busy doing things. Sooo is something wrong with me? Help!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 Your welcome. Yes you have went through your other relationship being hurt and cheated on therefore this has made you insecure and you want to control every aspect of his life and be with him all the time to make sure he is not with other woman. But you know yourself this is not normal behaviour but to you it makes you feel better. I think you need to over come these issues though before you drive your boyfriend away.
It sounds like he loves you very much but even in saying that there is only so much a person can take and he will soon distance himself from you if you carry on being insecure. So i think the best option for you would be to visit a councellor and tell them how you are feeling they can help you deal with your worries.
Goodluck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Aunt Honesty,
Thank you so much for help. I have been hurt before in the past with an ex-bf. He took me for granted and even went out with other women behind my back. When I asked him about it, he would deny it and then get upset with me for asking a terrible and insanely stupid question. He would say I couldn't trust him because of my not trusting him. I told him that I did trust him but why am I hearing things about him going out with other women. He said to trust him. I found out later he got another woman pregnant and was sleeping around. He gave away roses I bought for him for Valentine's Day and told the women he thought they were special and deserved roses. I was crushed as we had been together for almost 10 years. He ended the relationship due to the fact that I didn't trust him (at one time he asked how I'd feel if he went out with another girl to my face. I was stunned that he would ask me how'd I feel). I left him after he broke up with me for the umphteen time. I didn't cry much but I was heart broken. I moved on and when he did call back and called me "baby" and "I love you", I didn't fall for that this time around. I decided I wanted a man who was a man and was mature and loves me with all my faults and loves communicating. Well, 8 months later, I met a man who is all that and more. The only problem is I'm having a hard time trusting him. I love him but trust is an issue I am trying so hard to deal with. He knows what I'm goign through and wants to work at getting me up to par and even has said so. I feel like sometimes I'm not worthy because of what I've done...not trusting him, calling him nearly every night cause I'm not sure if another female will try to woo him. I can say there are a lot of women out there (both young and old) who have flirted with him openly and sometimes in front of me. So that's another problem, wondering if he acts upon it and flirts with them as well. He has asked me to marry him. I have been acting rather mean toward him now as well. I've been having the mentality that no matter what, I am always right. It's wrong and I know it hurts him and he wants to know why I'm thinking that way. He says in all relationships, communication is key in all successful relationships. I know that but at the same time...I guess I'm afraid of losing him and I want control over him. Bad idea, huh? Thanks again Aunt Honesty for your compassion and listening to me rant and rave. : )
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 January 2011):
No there is nothing wrong with you so dont panic im guessing you are at the stage of the relationship were you are still learning to trust him as a person and get to know him on a deeper level. It doesnt mean you are crazy.
See right there you say you enjoy doing things on your own which is great, but you also say that your friends are mostly with there partners, therefore this is probably whats underlying on how you feel. You probably see them together as a couple and you want that.
As for the clingy feelings. Have you ever been hurt in the past were a partner has cheated? This might be a fear of it happening again.
I guess all you can do here is keep doing things by yourself. Try to call him less and see if he calls you more. Also you dont give much detail on the relationship if its a new relationship or you guys have been together for a long time? If it has been a long time, then maybe talk to him about where you are both going in the relationship and if it is not then just get to know him more, learn to miss him as a good feeling and as far as the paranoia goes im sure you will learn to trust him.
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