A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have never wanted children. In fact I made a conscious choice not to have any in my late teens and now I am in my late twenties. For the past three years I have been in a relationship with a man who also doesn't want children as he has grown son from a previous relationship. However, now I feel like I want to have his child. I don't want another mans child just his. I love him so much and..I don't know..I cant quite put into words but I want something of his. I want to create something that will be a part of both of us (on top of the home and life we have created together). I know that he does not want a child, I also know that one of the reasons he is with me is because I have expressed a desire to not have children. On top of this, I recently found out that I may not be able to have children. So there is a lot of emotions going on. And yes, I did start thinking of having his child after I found out that it might be difficult to conceive. Perhaps its a case of wanting what you cannot have? Either way, I just wanted to talk about it and hear some thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): THank you all for your replies. I know that as I posted this as an anon and I don't have an account it will not register as an update so I hope you guys check up so I know how thankful I am for your clear and coherent thoughts and words.
QueenKatie, you hit the nail on head when you said that I feel differently as the CHOICE to have children was taken away. I decided that I didn't want children and now, I'm told that I may not be able to. This makes things very different and very hard to swallow. Its no longer me in control and I do very much feel that something is 'wrong' with me. Also, spot on with the ex's. All my partners ex's could reproduce and had children (not all with him just one!) and now he is with me..and I although he doesnt know yet that I may not be able to have children (and I doubt he would mind anyway) it still hurts. I still feel inadequate. They could all do something that I cannot and it hurts.
Rescuer: you are in a position that right now I day dream of being in, I'm not sure if I would be a good mother, I havent really given it much thought as it wasnt something I wanted but now I think...maybe I CAN give something to a child.
Chi girl: I know that emotions of dealing with this are clouding my judgement skills. I think I want his child and feel I need to have his child but I honestly don't know if I want to continue being a mother if I do have a child which I know is awful. WAiting is what I have decided to do but I don't want to talk to him about it just yet. I don't want to roc the boat if this is something that will pass.
Finally to the male reader: You put into words how I felt about my partner:
''Personally, I find being with someone I love, who loves me, is the be all and end all. I want to be with that person, selfishly, not share them with children. I don't want them to be with me every waking minute of the day''
He WAS enough, more that and I didn;t want to share him with a child and I didnt want to limit myself to child and not give my all to him but this news of not being able to have children has rocked me a bit and now ...I'm not so sure.
Thank you all again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): Awww, this is a rough situation for you. So many emotions surging around, and about a wide range of issues too.
The first thing to say is that there is absolutely no reason for you to make up your mind straight away. You're young, you have bags of time in hand to make this decision. So you don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, or the next day about this. The pressure is, very definitely, off.
Secondly, it's important to realize that there are several issues here, and that they are separate from the actual decision about conception and probably need to be dealt with one by one.
* There are all your feelings about not being able to have children. Even if you've never seen yourself as the maternal type, finding out that there is something 'wrong' is bound to be traumatic and difficult. It can be easy to feel that the medical situation makes you inadequate or less of a 'catch', even though that is very far from being true. 'Not being able to do something' can feel very different psychologically from 'choosing not to do something'. It can be easy to slide into a position where one feels the victim of circumstances, rather than a strong, independent person capable of making proactive choices about life.
* There are your feelings about your partner's previous relationship. Clearly you feel very great love for this man, and I wonder if the fact that he has a child from a previous relationship makes you feel like you are 'missing out' on sharing something with him that someone else has had. I'm hypothesizing wildly here, and I could be completely wrong, but it would be very easy to make that leap. Since your partner sounds fairly adamant that he doesn't want children, however, I would definitely suggest that you're by no means inferior to any of his past relationships for not having a child!
* There are your feelings that you want 'something of his'. Now I may be reading far too much in here, but it sounds to me as though you might be feeling a bit insecure about the relationship, and in need of something to cling to, to assure yourself of the love between you. It's not uncommon to feel that a child would bring you together, and mend something 'missing' in your life together. However, there is a bit difference here between the idea of a child, and the practical reality of having a young baby, which is very tough! A child wouldn't bring you closer together, or mean that you shared more. Actually, practically speaking, the reality is rather brutal: you will spend far less quality time together - and it takes a strong relationship, where both parents are on board with the idea of rearing a young person to handle that. If you are feeling that there is a closeness in the relationship that eludes you, perhaps a child isn't the answer - maybe there is an issue there that you need to address together as a couple, for instance a fear of abandonment (this is very common).
I know you already realize this - and I don't want to sound preachy or patronizing - being a parent is a Huge Deal. You need to do it because you think that you can something wonderful into a child's life, because you're driven to be a mother. A baby is far more likely to increase tensions and exacerbate distances in a relationship than to decrease them, particularly where one party has made a very firm decision not to have children and therefore has to be dragged kicking and screaming on board the project (not a great way to start out as parents, and a source of potentially dangerous resentments in future). I am absolutely sure you could be a great mother if you saw your path heading that way, as you seem like a very thoughtful and caring person. But make sure you are doing it for all the right positive reasons, and not to patch up insecurities about yourself or the relationship. If you need more reassurance and closeness from your partner, talk to him about this and make sure you get whatever you need from him.
Take care!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 I think you should talk to your man about this. Yes it is quite possible that now that you have found out it may be hard to conceive, you are thinking more about children and want one. To me that is a natural reaction, perhaps you are scared you can't have children, even though you originally didn't want one. Perhaps a part of the explanation is that before it was your choice not to have children, and now it is not so much a choice as a hard fact of life. Maybe you deep down are scared by that, or feel that you have been "robbed" of your choices by nature. This recent discovery have also done its work to bring your focus to having children in a whole new way.
It could be that this will pass, and that you are just dealing with this new information and not sure what to do about it. But that once you get comfortable with the facts you will return to your former desire to not have children. Either way, trying for a child now when you are unsure why you would suddenly want one, is not a good idea. You don't want to become pregnant now out of fear, and then possibly have an abortion because you realize you never actually wanted a child. Then it is best to wait, talk it through, and make your decision after having thought things through.
Then again, people do change. What you wanted to do as a teenager does not have to be what you want as an adult. Many who want kids as teens grow up not wanting them after all, or they don't want kids at first, then meet the right guy and want children. A lot of it I think is about meeting the right guy. You originally didn't want children, but then you met your boyfriend, and your love for him is so great that you want to have children with him. It doesn't have to be a "bad" thing that you have changed your mind. It is natural. Your relationship have grown and you experience feelings you didn't have before, one of those feelings being the desire for a family and children. I don't think you should feel that you are tricking your boyfriend in any way. Yes one of the reasons he started to date you was that you didn't want children either, but you never signed a contract saying you wont develop as a person and might want children in the future. People change. And new information or circumstances, like information about it being difficult to conceive, can change peoples views in life. It is natural.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): Tricky one, and I feel for you. Generally - a bit of a sweeping statement but personal experience tends to back it up - men RARELY change their mind about wanting children, women OFTEN do. I know many women in their 20s who were adamant they didn't want children. They hit early 30s and they change their mind, even those who are single. Guess it's the biological clock.
What I find sad in many cases is that the woman loves their partner but if the man won't reconsider, the need for a child is more pressing than actually being with someone they love. So they leave the partner and find someone else who will have children. Personally, I find being with someone I love, who loves me, is the be all and end all. I want to be with that person, selfishly, not share them with children. I don't want them to be with me every waking minute of the day, but I'm with them for them, not because they are a reproductive machine.
I think if two people say "I'm undecided about kids" that's fine and dandy. But if one person says they don't want and the other does, then they should leave the relationship before it develops further. If one person changes their mind and the other doesn't, there has to be a lot of soul searching. You seem to be in the latter category.
TALK. Be totally sure HE would not change his mind. And if he doesn't, don't give him a hard time - you knew this from the start. Spend time together and spend time apart. When you're apart, maybe have a few days away on your own, weigh everything up. Which is more important, being with him or having a child. Because you won't be able to have both.
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