A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I went to a party to celebrate a friend getting a new job, she invited her coworkers/friends from her old job over. The new guy shows up and instantly we spot each other. He thought I was cute I thought he was cute. We made eye contact and smiled at each other countless times throughout the night. He would pay me compliments and touch me slightly, but not in any sexual way. He would sit next to me whenever he could, and when other people were talking he would sneak peaks at me and smile. After everyone left or went to sleep we stayed up and played cards and watched music videos. He asked me a lot of questions about me and confided in me about his money situation and how his phone recently got shut off. I thought he was genuinely interested in me at this point. I was pretty excited because I haven't had anyone interested in me for many years. (I'm 22, he's 24) Well, anyway when it came time to go to bed the only place available to sleep was on the floor and there was only one thin blanket so we both decided it would be alright to cuddle. His heart was racing and later on he confessed he was nervous. We cuddled for a few hours but never fell asleep. In the morning the stragglers from the party went out to eat breakfast and we shared a sandwich. When we came back to my friends apartment we all watched a movie together and then my friend and her boyfriend went to take a nap, leaving this guy and I alone. We cuddled a bit more then just kissed. We made out for a bit, things were getting pretty heavy, but I made it clear I wasn't going to have sex with him. Eventually I had to go home and we kissed goodbye. When I went to add him on Facebook I found out he just got into a relationship a week prior to this. I feel a little used and stupid now. My friend told him off for fucking with my head like that and disrespecting me. He said it was just a girl he was talking to long distance and he wasn't looking for a relationship since he was going to be moving back to Pennsylvania when he got enough money. He said he was interested in getting to know me and he thought intimacy was best. He told my friend he was sorry and he hadn't been on FB in forever. Which was a lie. And then he posted a status after everything was said and done saying "so misunderstood....." My intuition was going off in my mind telling me things weren't right towards the end so I'm glad I didn't do anything truly stupid. I've been lonely for so long it just kind of felt nice to be wanted. But my question is why might guys do these things to me? I wasn't being flirty, I didn't dress provocatively in fact I was wearing a sweater. I was just being myself and I'm a bit shy at first but I fake confidence pretty well. Maybe I'm too nice? Not gonna lie, I looked at his FB a little longer after I found out he was with someone and it seems he is the kind of person that just can't handle being alone whereas I've been alone for 4 years after having this done to me many times before. Am I doing something wrong that causes me to be used like this? No one has been genuinely interested in me for so long.
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co-worker, confidence, facebook, flirt, long distance, money, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): It's nice to see that you did the right thing. If he wanted to be your friend, he shouldn't have started out by betraying your trust!
-Dave
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he messaged me today to explain himself. Apparently this girl he was talking to isn't his girlfriend and he only made his status as "in a relationship" because he wanted to avoid girls that wanted a relationship with him seeing as he was leaving in a few short months. I kind of don't buy this seeing as how he still told a coworker she was his girlfriend. As he was explaining things to me he was saying things in a very chastising way like "you should have known better." And I told him I basically wasn't going to tolerate being talked down too... so he cooled off. At the end though he did sincerely apologize and told me that he really did have a crush on me. He said he wished he could have done things right instead of assuming I would just have a fling with him. I told him that either way I believe he missed out - he sort of mentioned that if we were to have anything it would be brief. He never meant to lead me on and he didn't clarify his feelings for me because he didn't want to break me heart in the end by leaving. In the end I said goodbye, it was nice meeting you, and he said "I'm guessing second chances are out of the question, but in any case I'm glad I got the chance to meet you." I like to see things from both sides, and he did hold some points. I know I'm not a saint in all this, I DID enjoy spending the time I did with him. He was lovely and charming in a way. And being able to cuddle with someone for the first time in 4 years was something I cherished. But at the end of the day he still wasn't completely honest and even though I feel bad for rejecting his friendship I can't really go back on that now. I have to stick to my guns and stop getting so attached so easily. We accept the love we think we deserve... and I'm done settling for less.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 December 2012):
 First of all, good for you for not having sex with him. Second, double good for you for being intelligent and wise in terms of discovering that he wasn't good for you. You didn't blow that off like many stupid people do when finding some serious red flags in their potential partners. You weren't desperate enough to still pursue the guy after discovering his toxicity and deception. I feel for this other girl who he's in a relationship with who either doesn't know or has blown off the fact that he's no good.
As for the real issue, which is your loneliness and desire for a good guy to be with. I think it's that you haven't met the right guy. I know it's cliche, but you're smart, and being smart tends to weed out the time-wasters. You're also a little bit counter-culture, in that you don't subscribe to the hookup culture of one-night stands and friends with benefits nonsense.
I also think that while there is success in meeting through online dating services, there is also a lot of nonsense similar to the guy you met at the party.
In your case, you could approach this in two ways:
One, in your pursuits and hobbies, do you meet others who share your interests? One of the best ways to meet people who are good for long term relationships is through common interests.
Two, have you talked about your desire to not be lonely with your close friends and family? One thing I have learned is that no matter how times have changed, there is no greater pleasure for people to play matchmaker for those they love dearly. We choose repair centers, stores, and products best through word of mouth recommendations, why not look for a partner based on similar references? If you made your need known, I bet there would be people that came to mind. One of my best friends had a similar story as yours, had one broken engagement followed by years of being alone, and she is smart like you. A mutual friend of ours knew a guy, and their first blind date turned into 9 hours of feeling like they'd known each other their entire life. They're now married with two kids.
You will meet the right person. But until that happens, stay smart! Never be desperate enough to accept toxicity. And, as you know, any guy on a first meeting who starts talking about stuff being shut off due to financial problems while trying to get in your pants will never be relationship material.
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