A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I just broke up this past Sunday. We were together for a year and a half. Very serious. The whole thing completely blind sided me. We had just gotten back from an amazing vacation the week before where we both really reconnected - both admittedly so. We always had a healthy relationship - very respectful and loving. No real inherent problems or issues at all. Thing is, she suffered a lot of trauma that happened to her in the past. So she has a lot of emotional issues she is dealing with. She was always in therapy to work through the trauma and on medication for her bad depression and anxiety, and I was doing my part, learning how to deal with it and handle it and be supportive. We had been through a lot together. When she broke up with me, she told me that she felt as though she were an incomplete person. That she's so lost and broken. That until she can feel whole inside, she can never truly be in a relationship. She said she had tried for the sake of us to heal herself while simultaneously being with me, but that it wasn't working. That she ultimately needed to be on her own to discover herself and rebuild herself to be whole again. I told her I didn't see the break up coming at all. She admitted she didn't plan on breaking up. That it just kinda happened during the course of the conversation. She admitted she still loved me, but love wasn't enough, and she needed to be on her own. So she dumped me and then said she needed to go. Just kinda left me high and dry after all we worked towards together. We got off the phone and I felt like someone had clobbered me over the head with a baseball bat. Just blind sided me. I never saw it coming because we had both worked so hard to learn how to be together and be good for each other during this hard time (I was always reading books on trauma and she was learning dialectical behavior therapy to learn to communicate more effectively). I took the entire next day to think things over and realized that if this was what she needed to be whole, then I supported her decision, no matter how crushing it was for me. I tried to call her and at least just get my closure. I wanted to at least get to tell her I understood and that I hoped we could be friends one day, etc. When I called, she didn't answer. So I sent her a text message telling her to please call me back. That I wanted to speak to her. She never called back. I tried again later that night. Still nothing. I gave it all the next two days hoping she would contact me. She still didn't. So I wrote her a friendly email, just trying to get my closure. I asked her to please at least let me know she received it so I just had that peace of mind. Still, nothing. She's just ignoring me like I don't exist. And that is damn near killing me. So I left her alone. I guess my question is, after a very serious, committed relationship, is it normal to just ignore your ex like they don't exist? I feel really hurt she has just disappeared after all we have been through. It would be so much easier to go no contact if she would have just let me have some time to process and then talk it over, rather than have just blind sided me and then disappeared. Any thoughts? I guess I just thought I deserved more after all we have gone through.
View related questions:
broke up, crush, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): I don't think it's normal but many people go through this type of a break up. After a year and half and a serious relationship you deserve more than a phone call break up and then dead silence. The fact that she has mental issues isn't an excuse for her lousy treatment of you but it is somewhat of an explanation- she owes you more than that. What you're going through now is a withdrawal syndrome. You need to not contact her no matter how hard it is.
I guess the best thing is not to get involved with someone who has so much unresolved trauma in their life because this type of situation can always be the end result. What seems like a great relationship can go up in a puff of smoke- don't let her back into your life because she may do the same thing again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2014):
 I think she did the right thing, for YOU and HER.
It may not be how you would have liked the relationship to end, but accepting that it is HOW she WANTS it might really be your only choice.
I think you have to realize that it isn't about you. She might have felt that NC is EASIER for her. And with her history of mental issues, maybe that is all she can think about, HERSELF.
She doesn't OWE you closure. She doesn't OWE you friendship.
The only kind of closure you really "should" need is that fact that she CAN NOT handle a relationship at the moment. THAT SHE needs to work on herself. YOU didn't DO anything wrong. Neither did she.
I can only imagine how it feels. Like someone tossed a sack over your head and pulled out the rug from under you.
YOU were (from what you write) a GREAT & SUPPORTIVE BF, but she didn't feel whole. She didn't feel she deserved you and my guess is she felt too dependent on you. MAybe she felt the vacation was too perfect to be true.
Set her free. Wish for her to find herself and feel whole at some point, even if it is without you.
I will repeat myself here...
She doesn't OWE you closure. She doesn't OWE you friendship.
YOU will find some sort of closure eventually when you realize that no matter how much support and love you give, the relationship wasn't even. You were the caregiver and she the "patient". Not exactly healthy for either of you.
It's OK to feel hurt, it's OK to mourn the loss of the relationship - but you also need to (at some point in time) accept that she CAN NOT be what you want her to be.
It will get better.
NC might feel cold and uncaring, but in many cases it it a better way to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): your ex is having mental health problems,your closure is that they've realised the're not in a position where they're able to be in a relationship, let her go, it's better long term for both your health.
...............................
|
